Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Ultimate blues riff wasted on distracted crowd at former Yard Rock Cafe

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Holy Grail of blues riffs was played last night at Kilroy’s Cafe (formerly the Yard Rock Cafe) in Quincy Point, although was unfortunately wasted on a crowd that was too distracted to appreciate it. The riff, sounding completely different than the three other blues riffs that have been recycled for close to seventy years now, was busted out by local legend “Swimmin” Tim DeShula after a six-hour drunken rampage that resulted in DeShula finding a guitar in the dumpster out back, plugging it into the house speakers, and wailing away.

While estimates place at least forty people in the club at the time, only two were coherent enough to recognize history being made. YoYo Stah, age unknown, a wealthy dockside magician and part time white collar gangster rapper from either St. Petersburg, Russia, or Merrymount, Quincy, and Geoffrey Ohbryan, a 29-year-old unemployed vampire hunter from the Norfolk Downs section of North Quincy. Both report that they heard the riff and remain the only solid sources of information regarding the event.

“I hide out here sometimes,” whispered Starr in a thick Soviet accent that sounded suspiciously like a Quincy kid’s best attempt at a Russian voice. “The riff was insane, ya? Like no other blues riff. It wasn’t any of the same three that are always played, ya? It was, like...different.”

Ohbryan, dousing himself in Clubman® brand after shave, agreed. “Dude, it’s too bad no one else noticed. That riff was the most blues, kid. But that Two and a Half Men episode where Charlie Sheen gets into a wacky situation where he’s trying to date two women at the same time was on, and we all know how Quincy barflies love their Two and a Half Men. Actually, that show enjoys very high ratings in the Quincy area. And at the same time, these two dogs came running into the joint fighting over a bone. I had a sawbuck on the bigger dog getting that bone, but the smaller dog just had more heart---what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, people were just too distracted---and way, way too drunk to notice or care.”

Deshula himself was unavailable for comment as he was “sleeping one off” in the drunk tank down at the Quincy Police station, along with both bartenders who worked the club that night. It is doubtful any of them remember much of last night, including an alleged hand-over-fist pounding of nine bottles of Crown Royal.

Swimmin’ Tim was last in the news after a failed suicide attempt in which he ended up jumping off of his one-story roof and landing in his neighbor’s pool. He was described by a Burberry sweater-clad onlooker as having gone from “swimming in debt due to horrendous business decisions, to just plain swimmin’ in his neighbors’ pool.” While the nickname stuck, so did the charges of attempted suicide, pool-hopping, and being ridiculous for only jumping off a one-story building in the first place. The depression-riddled, struggling musician's family left him not long after, and he can frequently
be found searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle in Kilroy’s Cafe.

1 comment:

sweden said...

Love Two and a half men. Who wouldn't want to be Charlie, and the kids a riot. I wish life could be a Sit Com and you could fix everything with a single line.(a funny line that is.)