Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Jeff Brophy announces mayoral run, seeks funds in meeting being held in living room

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the 2009 Brophy for Quincy Campaign

Jeff Brophy (middle), a local man who has reportedly not gotten a moment of sleep since the mid-nineties, announced this weekend his intentions of entering his name in the upcoming mayoral race in Quincy, causing quite a stir among those who live a "rock out with your cock out" way of life, consisting mainly of near-thirtysomethings who are not yet registered to vote.

The announcement, which was made on Sunday afternoon at the Dial-A-Pizza in Somerville, involved Jeff Brophy standing on the hood of his car and shouting to the sky as onlookers watched in awkward silence, coming to an immediate conclusion just moments later, as Brophy spiked an Italian sub on the ground with enough force to cover a good amount of the crowd with hot peppers. A meeting was then held at an undisclosed apartment in Wollaston, where Brophy, accompanied by a hand selected team of advisors, attempted to raise enough money to launch his campaign.

Reporting back nearly five hundred dollars in donations, Brophy's campaign was then able to then take it to the next step and order almost one hundred lawn signs.

Brophy's new lawn signs, designed in MS Paint, declare him as a "wicked good kid."

Brophy's newly assembled team of "Average Joe" advisors, which consists of Shawnie Brando (left), an aspiring cab driver from South Quincy, and Neal Diamondz (right), a well known local hip-hop icon from Hospital Hill, have his opponents wondering if they are taking the right steps in their own respective campaigns.

"I don't even know who this Brophy kid is," declared Mayor Thomas Koch. "All I know is what I've seen in press photos, in which case he's always wearing a Quincy Maggots shirt. I can't lose to a kid wearing a Quincy Maggots shirt, right? I'm not gonna have to give up all this cool stuff I've gotten since becoming mayor, am I? I fought long and hard to bury all these Guitar Hero accessories into the city budget, and I'm not about to lose them to some snot-nosed Quincy punk who thinks he can take my crown away just because he feels like it."

"Mayor Koch better not get too comfortable in that office," stated Brophy, as he rolled out of bed to watch the sunset with a take-out order of Mascot Chef. "That's about all I have to say about that shit. And I have nothing personal against Phelan, not at all. That dude's a good dude. If I don't win this thing, I want it to go to him, dead fucking serious, kid. It's Koch I'm looking forward to taking down. That guy can go suck a fucking goat dick. He'd probably like it, too."

Brophy's small-but-hopeful campaign has others describing him as "a small player, but definitely something that could result in a last minute sting for the other runners," causing some to refer to him as "Kid Bumblebee." In honor of Brophy's mayoral run, 7-Eleven, home to over 90% of Brophy's late-night meals, has just announced the "Bumblebee Blast Slurpee™," which, for a limited time, will be available only in Quincy. The Slurpee, which will be flavored through a blend of all fruits native to Quincy, will come with an extra "blast" of energy powder, designed to make you feel just like Brophy himself as he rambles on at a party and won't shut the fuck up.

The Bumblebee Blast Slurpee™, the first politically motivated Slurpee of all time.

No further information about Brophy's campaign has made it to the public, however, several eyewitnesses have placed Neal Diamondz in front of the old Quincy Records & Tapes on Monday evening, selling his all-new CD single, "All Up in Your Face, Bitches (Brophy 2K9)," which features Shawnie Brando performing what one man described as the "sickest fucking solo ever." More on this continuing story will be available as this developing story unfolds.


Neil Zirconia said...

Neal Diamondz is a Punk Bitch!

Anonymous said...

Diamondz are a girl's bf!

KMarks said...

I have thought I would ever say this, but I am glad that I moved to Braintree.

Anonymous said...

too bad Radek won't be able to vote in this election either. I'll vote twice to make up for it ;)

sweden said...

Hmm-can't wait for the next election...

TomTurkolio said...

This kid shouldn't even be able to run for such a coveted spot! I mean just last week there were reports of Jeff Brophy having brain damage and H.F.S. (hidious face syndrome)! If that gives him a spot on the ballot then I am officially announcing my candidacy for Mayor of Quincy as well, fuck it! My slogan? "Vote for Tom Turkolio for Mayor of Quincy, if you don't, I'll smash your fucking face in!"

Honestly though, I'll be putting the fear of god into all these pencil pushing faggots that want to talk shit at PTA meetings, Wollaston Yacht Club will be restored back to it's greatness, that monorail bill from Tully's to Abington will finally be pushed through (and thats sure to boost Quincys tourism stamina)

Vote Tom Turkolio! DO IT!!!!!

Baloney No. 8 said...

Oh that Turkolio... still such a dreamboat. Although Brophy as Mayor of Quincy could potentially be the most hilarious thing to ever happen to this historic city, my vote will most definitely have to go to the the iron-wielding, steel smashing, fear-inducing, angrier than Hitler in a room full 'a Jews, Tom Turkolio.

Baloney No. 8 said...

*for clarification purposes:
I'm just making a correlation to the amount of anger that Tom Turkolio is infused with. By no means did I mean to insinuate that Mr. Turkolio hates Jews, dislikes being in a room full of them, or refuses to attend Bat Mitzvahs. As far as I know Tom Turkolio fucking loves Jews, and has said on more than one occasion that Yom Kippur is his favorite holiday.

Beak Wilder said...

THIS JUST IN: Tom Turkolio hates rooms full of Jews, yet loves to celebrate the Yom Kippur holiday.

It's shakey inconsistencies like these that Brophy is going to use to attack you during the upcoming campaign.

Good night and good luck.