Friday, June 26, 2009

Local man goes berserk after barber finishes haircut off with Clubman® brand after shave

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local man went completely berserk this afternoon after a barber finished his haircut off with a generous splash of Clubman® brand after shave lotion. The haircut and ensuing rampage took place at Sean's Barber Shop in North Quincy, resulting in one man being arrested in a nearby wooded area, and the scent of Clubman® wafting across Hancock Street.

Shawn Pencil, 39, of Elm Avenue, was charged with reckless endangerment of an entire city, ruthless sucker-punching of civilians, and operating in a non-Clubman® demeanor post-haircut. Authorities who arrived at the scene, however, all agreed that the back of Pencil's neck was as smooth as a recently divorced wife's bikini line.

Pencil, originally from Charlestown, claims to have moved from the Boston Proper area a short time ago due to the constant aroma of Clubman® in the air, rumored to have started after local hardcore legend and Cambridge Elks Lodge show promoter, Jimmy Flynn, began finding it amusing to cover everything north of Boston with the notorious orange flower and geranium infused after shave.

"Everywhere I go, it's all I can smell," shouted Pencil, as he viciously struggled to speak without breathing in through his nose. "I didn't move across the fucking bridge to deal with this shit. Every fucking place I go, it's always the same. Clubman, Clubman, Clubman...fuck, fuck, fuck. When I go to Somerville---fucking Clubman. Charlestown, Chelsea, Saugus---same fucking shit. It just has to end."

While authorities maintain that this is an isolated incident, the after shave is under close scrutiny from Mayor Koch’s office, and is potentially on his list of “Things to Ban in ‘09,” along with “those old-tyme bicycles with one big wheel and one small wheel, and actor Shia LeBeouf.”


Hammers said...

My next bicycle is going to be one of those old tyme bicycles with one big wheel and one small wheel... and you'll all be fucking jealous.

sweden said...

I'm not sure what this Clubman smells like but it has to be better than the mix of Indian and chinese Quincy usually smells like--