Thursday, June 11, 2009

OxyContin awarded "Official Drug of Quincy"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

After only ten minutes of deliberation, OxyContin was awarded the "Official Drug of Quincy" at the first ever Quincy Drug Awards, receiving a sixteen minute standing ovation that was said to have been "more intense than a fucking Hitler speech."

The Quincy Drug Awards, which were being held to celebrate the mayor's highly criticized "If You Cant' Beat 'Em, Join 'Em" campaign, took place at the George F. Bryan VFW on Broad Street this afternoon. The award ceremony, which consisted of approximately ten fold-up tables, strategically placed to avoid the well-known water leaks of the establishment, catered to hundreds of spectators, separated into thirteen groups, each representing the different sections of the city.

Tommy Shanasty, a Level 1 Sex Offender who represented Germantown's interests in the event, could not have been more pleased. "Our main worry here was that people were gonna go with weed. It seemed like the obvious choice. People never wanna come right out and admit how many OCs they take a day, but, the way I look at it, if you know everybody's on them, what's there to be ashamed about? I think OxyContin is a misunderstood drug, and it needs to be reevaluated. To tell you the truth, OxyContins have gotten me and my friends through some really hard times."

As to whether, or not, these hard times had actually derived from taking OxyContin, Shanasty was unable to respond, as he nodded out in the middle of the interview and was eventually taken out of the VFW by stretcher.

Though all seemed to fare well with the landslide victory for OxyContin, there was trouble in paradise, as representatives of Squantum made their opinions on the matter quite vocal. "This is outlandish," shrieked Jacia Hearn, a fan favorite at Paddy Barry's "open mic night," known for his ability to elevate to madness at the drop of a dime. "Everybody knows that acid is the best drug out there, especially when you mix it up with some shrooms. Toss in a couple blasts of nitrous, you got yourself a great night. And don't even get me started on coke, kid. That shit has been known to make me lose my fucking mind."

The ceremony then came to an abrupt close as a West Quincy kid apparently caught his two-timing girlfriend giving "the eye" to a socially prominent Montclair kid, resulting in the most insane domestic dispute Quincy has ever seen.


sweden said...

"Whatever gets you through the night-it's all right" could be Quincys' motto

Beak Wilder said...

"When life gives you lemons, make lemon OxyContin," as the kids say.

sandypants1 said...

You have brought new meaning to my're the inspiration!