Thursday, June 18, 2009

Silly looking dude claims to have traveled back through time to warn Quincy about something, bottled unconscious outside Irish Pub


Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

An absolutely ridiculous looking white male in his late teens was brutally beaten unconscious outside the Irish Pub in North Quincy late last night after onlookers described him as having agitated patrons with ramblings about time travel.

The unidentified teen, referred to by authorities who were arriving on the scene as “Kid Silly," is listed in critical condition at Quincy Medical Center, with multiple lacerations to the skull and at least one severely “blahsted eye."


According to security footage recorded by the pub's state-of-the-art “VHS hooked up to three Super Nintendos” system, the attack occurred at 12:36AM, but police were not called until approximately 1:15AM, as patrons of the bar simply wanted to wait until last call, with many being seen on camera smoking butts outside and taking pictures of the victim with outdated cell phones.

Sources who were at the pub were eager to talk to the Scallion about the incident. “Dude got mangled," revealed Dan Yabsky, a twenty-one year old from Billings Street who has been coming to the Irish Pub for “close to six years now.” Yabsky can be seen on the surveillance video calling friends and pointing to the unconscious victim, and then whistling obnoxiously at women for a half an hour.

Billy Cusack, 30, of Quincy Shore Drive, claims to have been outside when things went down. “Alright, so this silly looking dude shows up in an orange bubble jacket and silver pants. Right off the bat, I’m thinking Milton. Anyways, he walks up to the front door, all sweating and shit, and telling me I have to take him to the mayor’s office immediately. He’s, get this, from the future, and is trying to warn Quincy about something. I tell him he’s in luck because the mayor's at the bar drinking shots of Wild Turkey. Hah, I sent that fruity dude in there to mess with my boy Biff.”

Biff Tannen, a local instigator famous for duping the Salvation Army out of $25,000 in light bulbs back in 1998, was at the bar when the victim entered. Bartender Swish O'Connor recalls how it happened.

“Biff is furious 'cause he just lost, like, forty bones on Keno," remarked O'Connor. "And then this hilarious lookin’ goofbag comes up to him calling him 'mayor,' and telling him the city's in trouble. He’s going on and on about this shit, and finally, Biff’s like, ‘All right, buddy, tell me about this outside.’ They go out there to talk, and then, two secs later, you just hear the most brutal smash. Ah, nothing better than that---fuckin’ Milton kids.”

Cusack, while still waiting outside, maintains that the victim rambled on about something having to do with “jiggawatts” and “clock towers,” but Tannen, who took this to mean the outsider was “talking shit about his boy Jiggy,” became enraged. “He thought this dude called Jiggy a 'clock tower,' or something like that, so he bottled him and just punched his brain inside out.”

Tannen, smirking devilishly, maintains that “the dude should have went back to a time before they made extra thick Magners bottles.”

The victim was then rushed to Quincy Medical Center and pronounced “absolutely beaten to shit” by Dr. Desmond Shaw.

Authorities, however, declined to comment on another incident last night, which was rumored to have involved the clock tower in Quincy Center, stolen plutonium from Don’s Joke Shop, a silver Chevy Malibu, and the electrified corpse of the infamous recluse mad scientist, Dr. Radek Brownbowski, nor would they acknowledge the possibility of the two incidents being related.

20 comments:

sweden said...

Never been in the Irish Pub butI had my first bar drink at Malachys when I was 17.

Beak Wilder said...

So far, Sweden, I have you narrowed down to be a female, slightly older than me, most likely mulato, and being from Montclair.

How'd I do so far?

Zangeif said...

Raul Julia is dead.

sweden said...

You're right on the money but believe me I'm not worth looking into-I do totally enjoy what you've brought to the table.

sweden said...

I forgot to say don't stop writing.

sweden said...

Kidding, I'm just a white girl,I thought about being more interesting bu I am what I am.

Moisture said...

Sup guys...

First time commentor, long time reader.

I'm a little bit nervous about posting my thoughts in the world wide web, but I feel like this is a safe and welcoming internet community. I haven't been out much lately, maybe a late night trip to Mullaney's for a nip.

Anyway, just wanted to say hi and get a feel for this new experience. I just got hooked up to wireless recently and I'm typing from my one bedroom apartment in Sagamore Towers. Before now, I had to treck over to the North quincy branch of the Thomas Crane Public Library to check my emails and ebay winnings. I like to collect interesting salt and pepper shakers...

Ok, so I'm rambling. Have a nice night.

Ps, Wilder, are you single?

Audrey said...

Well, well, well... apparently we have yet another blogger! The more the merrier!

I like salt. AND I like pepper.

Who are you moisture? Tell me more about your odd collections....

Moisture02171 said...

oh geez, that's a tough question...so many to choose from...i love them all.

Well years back, my favorite pair was this Whoopie Goldberg/Ted Danson set. But one of my cats, "Socks", knocked them off my night stand and smashed them to smithereens.

So now I'd have to say my favorite pair is this rare Australian themed Momma and baby kangaroo. The pepper is the joey and the salt come out of mum's tail.

So darling.

Beak Wilder said...

Moisture,

If you look anything like the theatrical poster to Three Men and a Little Lady, like your profile picture says you do, then yes, I'm the most fucking single.

sweden said...

Hmm-Moisture,nice name choice-I have to admit I'm to old for Mr. Wilder but he is very intriuging.If you're new to Quincy, good luck.

sweden said...

Audrey-that baloney song is stuck in my head until lunch time when I can hear another song on the radio-

Baloney No. 8 said...

Hey Sweden,
Sorry about that! After I signed off last night I couldn't get it out of my head either. I had horrible dreams of bologna sandwiches running around my house, all the while singing that Oscar Meyer song... What a nightmare.

Who's this moisture character? They sound intriguing!

But seriously, who names their cat, Socks??? J/K Moisture, J/K, J/K!

Things are getting interesting on the Scallion!!

DMZ said...

Things are definitely getting interesting up in here Baloney

Baloney No. 8 said...

Things are very interesting up in this blog world, DMZ!

And I'm loving it!

McDonald's Corporation said...

"I'm loving it" has been a copyrighted McDonald's slogan since 2003. You, Baloney No. 8, are completely fucked.

sweden said...

I thought "I'm lovin' it " was from Seinfeld when Kramer went commando--

Baloney No. 8 said...

Dear McDonald's Corporation,

First of all, I believe the phrase you use as your slogan is as follows:

"I'm lovin' it!"

I said, "And I'm loving it!"

Similar yes, but nonetheless, different. If you'd like to get involved in a controversy with me, I encourage you.

You might have served over 1 billion hamburgers, but I can assure you, I'll serve you up over a billion verbal thrashings, not to mention several thousand beatings to your already tarnished reputation.

Furthermore, I'd like to suggest that you stop hiring thin, attractive, fun-loving actors for your commercials. Everyone knows that your clientele consist mostly of obese individuals with self esteem issues, and are consumed with self hatred. Why would anyone who cares about living and an aesthetic physical presentation order a "Big Mac" or anything else on your menu?

Good day to you!

With sincerity and loathing,
Audrey Baloney

dink said...

this are getting sexy in here

dink said...

things, not this.