Thursday, June 4, 2009

Quincy Scallion's approaching deadline looms large for potential New York Times buyout


BREAKING NEWS: QUINCY SCALLION'S 50th FUCKING ARTICLE!!!
Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Quincy Scallion’s hardball offer to buyout the New York Times is fast approaching it’s deadline of Friday June 5, 2009.

The two sides have yet to reach a final agreement on the offer as of this time, with the closing hours building stress and pressure for all involved, and creating a wave of nervous apprehension in the loyal readers of both institutions.

Talks began between the two media powerhouses last month in light of the recent economic struggles and falling stock prices that have plagued the Times. While many analysts predicted an outside force to buy the faltering New York paper, none could have imagined the rapid and aggressive campaign conducted by the upstart Quincy Scallion online news source.

The Scallion, or “Scally,” as it has become known to it's subscribers, has emerged as the South Shore’s leading source of fake and often downright slanderous news. It’s wildly inaccurate reporting techniques and ability to skirt publishing laws and codes of conduct have resulted in a fast growing readership and multiple pending lawsuits. Past breaking news stories exclusively covered by the Scallion include homeless people reacting hysterically to helicopters, neighborhood warfare over a newly built donut shop, and reoccurring reports on a criminally negligent diabetic cop. The New York Times, however, has yet to report on even the latest Madball gigs being played in it's own backyard.

“The Scally is the only news source I trust,” said Stephanie Tannerfield, a fiscally conservative hippie from the woods of Hospital Hill. “All I do all day is just read the Quincy Scallion and get fucking roasted in my tee pee, it’s awesome. I wouldn’t read the New York Times if the pages were made out of double-dipped blotter acid. That's not to say I wouldn't smash the entire paper in my fucking face, if that were the case, I just wouldn't read the thing. That would be awesome though, if newspapers were made out of acid, especially if nobody knew about it. Everybody would be all fucked up on the train going to work---faces melting, people flipping the fuck out, people trying to eat their own faces, everybody fucking shittin' their pants, bodily fluids all over the place, people flipping the fuck out---it'd be hilarious.”

Other residents of the South Shore had their own tales of satisfaction to tell. “I’ve been reading the Scallion for months now,” said Jaime Curbkick, a gambling man from the west side of town. “Two months to be exact---you know---since it started up. I’m not saying it’s for everyone, but if you live in the South Shore, there’s no other news source around that’s gonna help you keep tabs on the awkward happenings of Father Bill's Place. From what I've read about that wacky homeless shelter, the place sounds like a wild ride, to say the very least. And it's always good to know when Obama is gonna be swimming at Orchard Beach in Squantum. Honestly, I can't stand driving down Quincy Shore Drive when it's all backed up. I always get stuck in the very middle of it and then realize I have to take dump, it never fucking fails.

But not all readers of the Scallion agree with those who have so lovingly praised it since it's inception. "Well fuck my fucking face," snapped Gene Schlotsky, a former entrepreneur from Montclair. "The Quincy Scallion has got to be the least credible, most absolute horseshit, news source I have ever read. The only person they ever seem to get to comment on these Quincy events is some absolute dipshit ironworker from Abington. Who the fuck cares what some Abington guy has to say? Certainly not me, that's for sure. If I want a good local news source, I'll go with the Quincy Sun. Now that's a solid newspaper."

In a blatant disregard for an impartial view of these events, the Scallion has set up multiple interview stations around the city in hopes of capturing the man-in-the-street opinions of Joe Public. Most notably, the awkwardly placed “Scall-Zone” interview desk located directly in the intersection of Billings and Hancock in North Quincy was removed due to several complaints and four vicious-as-fuck car accidents. Other stations, however, fared much better in both gathering info and maintaining civil safety, allowing for multiple residents of the area to finally voice their opinion.

“I’m surprised that it’s taking this long, there’s a lot going on in Quincy that people around the country need to know about,” replied Frankie O’Toole, a burgeoning car thief from South Quincy who answered the Scallion only after our reporter swore not to reveal his true name (Marky “The Sharky” Shea).

Zip Flaherty, no relation to Flahr Zipperty, creator of the ZipCar franchise, responded quite enigmatically that “this is a classic example of the proverbial tail wagging the dog.” Nervously massaging his crotch, he went on to explain that "Brunk Edwards makes me think thoughts I never thought I'd think before."

Steve Chabot, a wandering schizophrenic with severe bipolar disorder responded to the news with a stunning display of random information. “Park officials, after draining the Quincy Quarries in 1995, following the death of PJ McDonough, discovered a long buried treasure which was spent over the next five years on Keno, scratch tickets, and a wild outing on the Cape.” Chabot later added that “based on Neilson figures across America, Two and a Half Men enjoys it’s highest ratings in Quincy.”

But no matter what people have been saying, whether it's commemorative plaque-worthy praise, or over-the-top, career-crushing criticism, no one can deny the fact that the Scallion has finally made it's mark in the world of journalism. Whether it's news about the change of ownership at a local breakfast place, the mayor decking his office out with high-priced "gifts" from the taxpayers, or just some literary prose about Quincy kids getting fucked up on drugs, the one thing that is for sure is that the Quincy Scallion has a bright future ahead. And no matter how many enemies this news source has made---whether it's a previously anonymous poster who now goes by the name "Sweden" or just an absolute piece of shit like John Moran who likes to go against us in our comments section (SEE HERE)---no one can deny the fact that there is no place to go but up, because when you start from the bottom, there's just no going down. Just don't necessarily hold us to that.

As to the potential buyout of the New York Times, only time will tell. It is the professional opinion of the Scallion that the Times is not only a far inferior news source, but also significantly less ridiculous, therefore offering absolutely no use to anyone who doesn't completely suck. Keep reading---please!

4 comments:

Stephanie said...

wow, great story, the scallion has become a part of my daily internet cruising and general slacking off at work

sweden said...

Now that I'm on the right article-nice job-can't wait for the next one-

TomTurkolio said...

Listen Gene, I have played a crucial behind the scenes roll in the vast improvement of the status of Quincy over the past decade! Furthermore I would like to add that this new uproar of you fucking Montclair residents that have as of late been referring to Montclair as being "gods country" is way off base! I live in fucking Abington, thats gods country hands down! I've been to Montclair countless times and it's an absolute sess pool! I sure hope that their is a high level of sarcasm involved in these fucking T-shirts!!!

Tom Turkolio- OUT

Tatijana said...

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, AHHHH HOW THIS MAKES MY DAYS LOVLEY!!!!! WORK DAYS THAT IS!