Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Every homeless person on Broad Street disappears, entire city mystified

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

In this most shocking story, Father Bill's Place, the Broad Street homeless shelter best known for giving less fortunate Quincy "residents" a second, third, and fourth chance, has reported that every single individual under their care was unaccounted for as of 7:08AM this morning.

Local authorities are baffled by what could have caused what may be one of the largest homeless disappearances since KFC decided to give away two pieces of their "Kentucky Grilled Chicken" for free.

"We have no clues at this point as to where they could have gone," said Officer Nico Haylen, last in the news after a botched attempt to thwart what he mistook for a massive terror attack. "We've never seen Broad Street this empty. This is usually a very marketable area for the homeless, and they can be found scattered throughout the street, each with their own secret agenda, sometimes even having bum-sex in the little wooded area across from the Bryan VFW. At this point, we have been unable to locate a single homeless person, which is an eerie feeling, to say the least."

This disappearance is not the first that Father Bill's or Broad Street has seen in recent past. The purple Hyundai (or "37 Broad Street," as it came to be known), which was the makeshift home for two local vagrants for almost five years, vanished into thin air approximately two months ago.

The purple Hyundai in all it's glory, just before disappearing for good.

"That purple Hyundai had been there for years," remarked Jimmy Grabass, a periodic drug user who occasionally stays at Father Bill's. "Kenny and Chrissy made a beautiful home out of that little car, and it was a good spot to drill butts when it was raining out. And then, all of the sudden, it was gone one day. I haven't seen Kenny and Chrissy since. I heard a rumor that they were bouncing around from car to car at Flibotte's Auto Salvage over on the Quintree line. I sure hope they're doing okay though. Kenny and Chrissy were solid people. It was always fun to watch that little Hyundai rock back and forth while Kenny was givin' her the business, if you know what I'm saying. Homeless people have needs, too, y'know? Actually, now that I think about it, we have a lot of needs. More than most people, at least."

As usual, Mayor Koch wasted no time taking full credit for the incident. "Obviously these people didn't just wake up one day and decide to get jobs," he stated. "That's never going to happen. I'm a firm believer that the first step to ridding homelessness is to do away with the homeless themselves. Statistics have proven that the number one cause of homelessness is people who have no place to live. You have to look at the figures, you have to scrutinize the facts. Nobody likes dealing with a homeless person, they have nothing to add to the community but suffering and pain. It gets really annoying after a while, and it's only natural to want them to go away. Well, take a look, Quincy, they did go away. Don't ask questions, just embrace it. We are entering a new phase in this city, and it's a phase where modern day problems, such as homelessness, poverty, and hunger, are no longer directly in our faces, allowing us to finally pass it off as someone else's problem. Homeless people in Quincy, you ask---not in my backyard! That's one more problem solved, one more for the books. And it's all because of me. Who's moving Quincy forward now, Phelan?"

The mayor's press conference was then brought to a sudden, unexpected hault as the crowd's attention wandered off towards a homeless man standing just outside City Hall, relieving himself in the freshly trimmed bushes.


Anonymous said...

well now that there out can he pretend to do something about the old people, Im thinking something along the lines of ahhhh maybe ahhyhh holocauset...... that would be a pretty f'kn great idea, for old people though of course, not jews, well unless there old, then sorry.

Audrey said...

Dear Anonymous,
Is English your second language?
Please go back to school, purchase a dictionary, and keep your mouth shut.

Audrey Baloney

sweden said...

Go Audrey-I was anoynomous once and chose to clean up my act-Still not much to say but I enjoy the articles. Face it reality can suck--

Dink said...

Audrey is putting the smack down on Anonymous posters. I like it!

Audrey said...

I didn't become the 8th ranked rooftop criminal analyst by minding my own business, that's for damn sure!

Thanks guys!

sweden said...

Som etimes suffering and pain need to be there, reality may suck but it's there. If everything was perfect where would our emotions go? I love this article--nic one.

sweden said...

I want Audrey to know it's the typing not the spelling that sucks.

Beak Wilder said...

This is the most intense comments section the Scally has ever seen.

Audrey said...

Dear Sweden,
I think this 'Anonymous' character is developmentally delayed, maybe from birth, or perhaps from a serious blow to the head? Too many OCs? Who knows? Either way though, it's obvious that he has no idea what the hell is going on. It's also apparent that he has no idea that he, one day, will be elderly too. I must admit that if someday in the near future on a lonely rooftop in Quincy, someone decides to pull a personal "holocauset" on his ass, I will most definitely turn a blind eye.
As for you, you're all right Sweden... You're all right.
Best wishes,
Audrey "#8" Baloney

PS Are you from Sweden?

Anonymous said...

dear audrey and sweden,
go fkcu urslves and my gremmer and tiping are just fyne thank you! and change some old peoples diapers and drive behynd 1 for a hor and then pretnd like u dont went to c tham off this eerth as much as i do, prytty sere wilder agwees with me on thet one too and i can only hope and prey thet one day someone wil holocauset my ass when im old b/c i would want to die, BLAH UGH BLAH, there worse the schootchers

signed and sencerely

and thenks for the develomentally delayed part, i am, and yet sumhow oc's are not to bleme for this for i dont tuch thos.

Also I can see that people take these blogs very seriously, and do not know what a bad joke is.

Anonymous said...


sweden said...

Audrey-Love the Baloney-I am most definitely not from Sweden. I have been told that I am way to neutral.I always see from all sides and have a hard time finding fault. We are after all just human. I am truly enjoying this blog as I have always been a Quincy girl and all that comes with that. Mr. Wilder is a good writer,does he write for profit also? I've wondered. If not it should be enough to know he brings pleasure to a lonely sole like me. I've been drinking so this might be a bit much.
As for annonymous-you're a trip-I get it. Pick a name and join the fun.

Audrey said...

Dear Anonymous,

You just gave me a great idea for a story. Thanks!

I hope an old person farts on you.

"my baloney has a first name...."
and it's audrey!