Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Human cloning technology paves way for possible Clash reunion in Squantum

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In this shocking story, Jacia Hearn, the undisputed leader of Squantum, has come forth with information about a scientific breakthrough that may lead to one of the most bizarre events Quincy has ever seen, a Clash reunion.

The reunion show, which has already been hastily scheduled for Saturday, August 1st, was kept entirely under wraps until this morning, when Hearn went live on the North Quincy High School intercom system, causing local authorities to respond to the scene. He was then apprehended and charged with illegal use of a high school intercom system, as well as possession of what police have described as "more acid than fucking Woodstock," although the charges were dropped almost immediately after when police realized his arrest was in direct violation of Mayor Thomas Koch's "No Squantum Kid Left Behind" act.

"This shit is gonna be nuts," remarked Hearn. "We have found what appears to be a mosquito that at one point drew blood from Joe fucking Strummer. Now, I'm no scientist, I'll admit that one right off the bat. What I am though is a huge Jurassic Park fan, and I'm pretty fucking sure that that movie has one of the most bulletproof plot lines ever. Everything that happened in that movie could happen in real life, I don't think anybody's gonna argue that one. You'd have to be a fucking psychopath to go against that logic. You should have seen this fly though. It just kept coming into my room and then leaving again, it was fucking insane. It couldn't tell if it should stay or if it should go. That's when I knew. I knew that little fucker had some Strummer in him, and that my prayers had finally been answered. I trapped that little guy in an updside down shot glass and just started making calls. Anybody from back in the day who did even remotely well in science class got a call that night. I'm compiling a team of people to head the project as we speak. This shit is going down, there's absolutely no way it can fail. We just need somebody who knows how to clone, but that's literally the only thing we're lacking at this point. The rest is just gravy."

But not all Squantum kids are as hopeful as Hearn, some of them remaining skeptical of the flimsly scientific formula. DJ Silent Partner, who Jacia Hearn recruited to host the event, tells his side of the story. "I like Jurassic Park as much as the next guy," he explained. "But that doesn't mean this cloning process is going to work. Honestly, they don't even explain it that thoroughly in the movie, and I'm pretty sure Jacia hasn't read the book. I can't really see this whole thing working out in anyone's favor, but I guess it's worth a shot. I'd do anything to see the Clash. 02171 is ground fucking zero for Clash fans, everybody knows that. I just don't have much faith in Quincy kids cloning people, I guess you could say. Either way, what was I supposed to do, turn the offer down? I can't do that. It certainly doesn't seem likely that it would work out, but what if, y'know? What if?"

In addition to the Clash and DJ Silent Partner, other acts to be included in the upcoming show will include Vern Roberts and the Mushroom Chocolates, the Ramblin' Souls, The Partiana Tarter Quartet, and the Brothers of Noel Vickery.


Anonymous said...

Should I stay or should I go is a Mick Jones song, not a Strummer song. No one wants a clash with 2 Mick Jones. No one.

sweden said...

I think the alcohol and drugs would disturb the cloning process.We don't need more Squantum kids with less brains than they already have.

Tha Dogg Catcher said...

My mother's from Squantum

HOOPS said...

Your Mother's From G-Town!!

Jason said...

"I live by the River..." Can't wait until they figure this out. Can they clone Jimmy Hendix and Jerry Garcia too? Maybe even Michael Jackson?