Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Quincy maggot infestation plagues Cape Cod

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the Cape Cod Police

Multiple accounts of downright craziness have plagued Cape Cod for the past three days, making residents of the normally peaceful boating community wonder if the well-known vacation hotspot has seen it's last day.

The first reports of wacky behavior came through to the Cape Cod Police Department on Saturday afternoon, when residents of the area complained about what was described as a "Mexican looking man, driving around and listening to Faith No More too loud," although authorities were contacted back almost immediately to be informed that it was "actually Mr. Bungle."

The very next day, police were called again, this time with complaints of a strange man wandering the beach, jumping onto the backs of elderly power walkers and assaulting them with an empty bottle of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum. He was described as "dangerous looking" and "extremely lanky," and was reported to have razor blades tattooed on each wrist.

"Cape Cod is on red fucking alert," said Officer Steve Lobsterman, a seasoned veteran of the notoriously behind-the-times police force. "We haven't had this much unspoken tension since that 15-foot great white shark ended up in the estuary back in the summer of 2004. In my opinion, this is much worse. At least with the shark, you could just stay out of the water. With these kids, they could be anywhere. People don't even wanna leave their house."

Then, on Monday afternoon, things took a turn for the worse when Paul McGranite, a wealthy investor from the Quincy-Milton border, allegedly dressed up like the Craigslist Killer and began terrorizing girls in the street, apparently believing any girl in a two-piece swimsuit to be a prostitute. "It was horrible," said Sally Frappe, a substitute teacher from Beverly. "He picked up a piece of driftwood and just started chasing me through side streets, the whole time screaming things like, "I'm gonna get you, hooker!" and "You're not really a masseuse," it was insane. Nobody even did anything to help me, they just stood there and watched. He didn't even look like the Craigslist Killer. I've seen Philip Markoff on the news plenty of times, and I don't remember anything about him having a flawless pompadour."

Reports kept coming in through the night, as the mischievous residents of Quincy showed no signs of backing down. Most notably occurred on First Encounter Beach, when Meghan O'Brien-Manmohan-Singh, a vegetarian animal lover from South Quincy, purportedly killed an entire flock of seagulls with her excessive second-hand marijuana smoke, resulting in several outspoken animal rights activists to become so upset that they immediately went home to blog about it.

"I hate tourists," said Clif Hanger, a full-time custodian and aspiring musician from Dennis. "This happens every summer, some Quincy kids think it will be a great idea to come down here and act like a bunch of dickheads, and every single time, the people of the Cape freak the fuck out. It never changes. I hate Quincy kids---who doesn't, really---and they're everywhere right now. The only place where there aren't too many is in our local cemetery."


sweden said...

The Quincy Kids I grew up with don't leave Quincy-I myself never ventured out until I was 25 and I came back the same day.These kids must be transplants.

Beak Wilder said...

Look closer, Sweden. Look into their eyes. Those are Quincy kids. Trust me.

Stephanie said...

the hurricane once thought that cape cod was a state.

Beak Wilder said...

I heard that Hurricane once thought Montclair was a country, too. What the fuck did they teach you girls in Woodward?

sweden said...

Woodward only tought girls how to set the table and smoke.

sweden said...

Obviously they didn't teach spelling at Central.

Flynn, James said...

"Thank god I wasn't there" was heard loud and clear from representatives of germanic town all the way to the s.p.a.

Anonymous said...