Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Third time's a charm as mayor and TV pitchman pawn rare trophy off on gullible businessman

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of Microsoft Paint

In an attempt to raise much needed funds for the city, Mayor Thomas Koch recently acquired the help of infamous television pitchman, Billy Mays, pawning off a rare soccer trophy to one of the most gullible businessmen Quincy has ever seen.

The trophy, which was originally made to award the runner-up in 1988's Quincy Youth Soccer championship, had a fairly noticeable misspelling on it, stating "QUINCY YOUTH SOCCER CHAMPIONSHIT" in a cheaply gold plated embedment, causing it to be set aside for over two decades. It was this misspelling, as well as the age of the trophy, that contributed the necessary factors needed to fall into place in order for it to be considered a "worthy collectible." The trophy, which was valued last Tuesday at a mere $7.00, was sold to the unnamed businessman at the inflated price of $12,500.00 in a privately held auction at the Marriott Hotel in Quincy, making it one of the biggest ass rapings the city has ever pulled on anybody in the past twenty-five years.

"I knew I couldn't get rid of that thing on my own," commented Mayor Koch. "Trophies like the one we sold today have been collecting dust in the basements of city properties for years, and I knew that, if anybody was going to help me pawn that thing off, it was gonna be Billy Mays. I gotta say, I just love his selling techniques, and I have never once found the overpowering level of his voice to be anything less than perfectly necessary. The way I see it, Billy Mays helped this beautiful city make a very large profit today. That trophy probably cost the city about one dollar to make, and after the two grand we're paying the Marriott for the hall space, the rest is just gravy. For a second there, I didn't think we would ever get rid of that thing. We've tried on two separate occasions to auction it off before, but to no avail. We just don't have the competitive edge that Billy has. Everybody had a great time though, I'll tell you that much. You should have seen me up there, I literally couldn't stop laughing when I was handing that trophy to him. That guy got rooked."

When asked if this business venture would pave way for further dealings with the mayor, Billy Mays declined to show any signs of interest in the matter. "Honestly, he's not really my type of guy," he explained. "I won't lie, when it comes down to it, I'm a mercenary. I'll work for anybody who needs me, as long as they have the money, and when there's an option between two jobs, I'll always work for the highest bidder. But with all due respect, Mayor Koch is just a little too liberal for my tastes. I'm a capitalist by nature, and you can bet your ass I vote for the elephant every time. And just like any other self-respecting Republican, I would eat a newborn baby if it meant I could make my pockets fat. Funny, actually, because that's literally what I had for lunch today---baby kabobs. I'm a handsome, middle aged, conservative male, and I'll tell you right now that I believe life begins at conception---but it ends on the skewer. As bad as it sounds, baby kabobs are delicious, and probably one of the more tender meats I've tried. You can quote me on that shit."

All did not fare well, however, as shortly after the auction, Skip, one of the mayor's top accountants, brought forth some troubling news, as it seemed they had forgotten to factor in the $25,000.00 fee they were paying Billy Mays for his two hours of seemingly needless assistance. This figure, when combined with the cost of the hall rental, and the estimated initial cost of the trophy, factored in with the $12,500.00 received through the auction, placed Quincy approximately $14,501.00 in the red. This major accounting flaw is believed to have not only rendered the entire auctioning process meaningless, but caused much unneeded harm and embarrassment to the taxpayers of the city.


sweden said...

The Mayor's always trying to work a deal-big screens and rugs-he should have been called Luke after Luke Haney on Green Acres.

Beak Wilder said...

They are currently installing stripper poles in the mayor's office, as well...although they will be called "The Poles of Presidents," from what I hear.

Moran said...

The Marriot is actually in Braintree.

Beak Wilder said...


1000 Marriott Drive
Quincy, MA 2169
(617) 472-1000

sweden said...

Congrats!That's a lot of articles-I've never had my blogger name in the paper before--Kudos on your corrction to Moran also-that's good investigative reporting..That's one stripper pole I'm not interested in seeing--sorry this is on the wrong comment page but I'm to lazy to go back and fix it--