Monday, June 8, 2009

Mayor keeps framed photograph of himself on desk, admits to being attracted to own face

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a disgusting turn of events, Mayor Thomas Koch has admitted to the public that he keeps a framed photograph of himself on his desk. The photograph, which was spotted in the mayor’s office this weekend by a Jacuzzi installer from Lowell, was described by the mayor himself as “god-like” and “so fucking hot.”

“I’ve always found women to be magnetically drawn to me,” the mayor commented. “Sometimes, I will just look at myself in the mirror for hours, repeating verses from Genesis. Sometimes, it’s the band Genesis, other times, it’s the Bible. It doesn’t really matter to me. Both of them have some pretty amazing quotes.”

“This is some of the most narcissistic bullshit this city has ever seen,” said Tribble “Fat Goose” Walker, a local historian and author of Stop Being a Dick: An In-Depth Guide to Some of the Most Self-Absorbed Assholes in Quincy. “I don’t want to come right out and say that he’s a hideous man, but he’s ridiculously short, and there’s really no reason that any photograph of him should ever been framed. I’ve partied with underage girls that were taller than him, it’s hilarious. And I know plenty of ladies in this town that have said the guy is hung like a salted cashew.”

“It all just seems a little egotistical,” stated Audrey Baloney, Boston’s eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst. “It’s just so overboard. I mean, seriously, who keeps a picture of themselves in their own office? It’s borderline psychotic. Part of me is glad that the mayor is happy with his own appearance, but the other half of me has no idea how he possibly could be. I mean, this is nothing short of a complete waste of a frame. I used to be in the business of frame making, before I started analyzing rooftop crime, that is. I know how much hard work and effort goes into the making of a frame, and I wouldn’t want to find out that one of my pieces was being used for a photograph of some crazy, swollen-headed man in a child’s body.”

Further suspicion arose on Sunday evening, when the mayor painted his face in goat’s blood and was marched through Quincy Center on chariot, causing a general state of confusion among dozens of spectators. “It was like something Julius Caesar would have done,” remarked Kara Siley, a local bartender and heiress to the most powerful restaurant dynasty in Quincy. “It was actually pretty hilarious.”


sweden said...

There is a wine called Genesis,it's probably in his cabinet-I hope Phelan wins next time-he's tall and less self absorbed--I like that.

Beak Wilder said...

The Quincy Scallion hereby announces it's official backing of Phelan in the upcoming election.

Wacky takes on otherwise normal campaign news will be found here, and here only.