Monday, June 29, 2009

Finland Steam Baths struggles to compete in failing economy, lowers prices of handjobs

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Finland Steam Baths, the well known "massage therapy" business located in the seedy underbelly of West Quincy, has grudgingly reported significant losses in the second quarter of 2009, causing management to rethink business practices, starting with major price changes on everything from holistic healing to handjobs.

Opening in 1928 as an alternative source of relieving tension during Prohibition era, Finland Steam Baths has been a constant staple in the West Quincy community, often times raising many questions as to what exactly goes on inside.

By 1967, Finland Steam Baths had gained a small, but steady, following, eventually leading to a customer base which was far larger than they could have predicted, most notably due to the inclusion of their trademark "Finland Steamer," a controversial massage technique performed just below the waistline.

But the struggling economy has proven to be difficult for local businesses such as these, as it seems that companies who deal in the smaller niche trades are those who have been suffering most.

Officer Nico Haylen recalls one of his more questionable memories of the notorious steam bath. "I was responding to a disturbance call a couple months back," he stated. "When I arrived at the scene, there was an unwholesome mood in the air. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but the lingering feeling of mischief was there. It's a feeling I know all too well. I decided to go in and assess the situation for myself."

Stopping briefly to light a cigarette, Haylen continued on. "It was one of the most shocking things I had ever seen. Every room I checked was more disgusting than the last. Dudes were launching semen in every direction, with absolutely no regard for where it landed. The moaning sounds were so intense. It was like a fuck explosion in that place, it was insane. It wasn't until I walked into the steam room when I completely lost it. There were these four dudes, all dripping with sweat, just staring at me with that glazed look in their eye. It was a post-handjob look, trust me. I did pretty well with the ladies back in high school, and if there's any look I'm familiar with, it's that. I immediately called for backup at that point. Ten minutes later, we raided that place with riot gear on---guns drawn, vests, dogs, cameras---the whole deal."

The four infamous bathers, dripping with sweat, staring longingly into the camera.

Whether these new price changes will help business, or not, only time will tell. Employees at the steam bath remain optimistic, as they feel the services they provide are above and beyond what their competition offers. And no matter how many accusations of shady business practices are made, they know that, deep down inside, the residents of West Quincy will always be there for them. Historically speaking, West Quincy residents do not judge those who are allegedly breaking the law, they participate.

"I have worked here for many a year now," commented Annaliisa Aino, a thirty-year veteran of the establishment. "This job, it is a hard job. There is so much steam, and so many fluids. The customers, they relieve themselves wherever they wish. They do not care where. Sometimes it is on the floor, and other times, more often than one might think, it is the ceiling. The windows, the walls, the work never stops. It is a hard job on the soul. But the times, they are so tough right now. We make the prices smaller in hopes that more people will come."

There has been no confirmation yet on whether, or not, Aino's pun was intended.


sweden said...

This is Historical Quincy-the Granite workers needed that release-

Beak Wilder said...

Well, they certainly didn't have to "release" it all over the fucking ceiling.

Anonymous said...

This is a disgusting article regarding a legitimate business and you should be ashamed. Some arsehole is gonna read this and believe it. You should be charged with libel.