Thursday, June 25, 2009

Quincy resident uncovers vague sexual undertones in Nine Inch Nails hit song "Closer"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Moranzo Llamas, a local day laborer known for pointing out ridiculously obvious things and then taking the credit for it, has found what he believes to be a hidden sexual agenda in the hit Nine Inch Nails song, "Closer."

The discovery was made while playing the song during a late night jukebox session that occurred last night at Sully's on Chestnut Street, just after Trent Reznor repeatedly shouted the words "I wanna fuck you like an animal."

"I couldn't believe it," said Llamas, who spoke between bites of his world famous Sully's baked stuffed clams. "I had probably heard that song a thousand times before last night and never noticed a thing. Trent Reznor's good like that, he can slip one past ya when you're least expecting it, and no one would be the wiser."

Stopping briefly to take one of the fiercest bowel movements this reporter has ever had the displeasure of listening to, Moranzo emerged from the Sully's bathroom, eager to continue his tale. "Anyway, I was amazed at how many erotic innuendos there are in that song. They're subtle, but they're there. You just gotta know where to find them. Lines like 'you let me violate you' and 'you let me penetrate you' are all over that song. I mean, there's really no way around it,
that's sexy talk. And what the fuck does 'I drink the honey inside your hive' mean? I honestly have no clue, but it's racy-as-fuck. That's some come-hither shit right there, that's what that is. I wouldn't mind trying out a little of that shit---you know---with the right girl, that is. Either way, I probably wouldn't be ordering the clams from this place. I should have known that $1.50 was too good to be true for baked stuffed clams, even in this town. Seriously, I don't mean to knock the food here, or anything like that, but I don't feel so hot."

Llamas was then rushed to Quincy Medical Center, where he was immediately asked to leave, as his health insurance exclusions clearly state that all Sully's-related incidents are not covered, no matter how big or small. He was then brought to a former medical student's basement in Dorchester, where his stomach was pumped using a makeshift apparatus made from an old Flowbee and a length of garden hose.


Tacky said...

Ha. Sexy talk.

Jason said...

I love the Scallion! Incredible. Best news source ever.
Jason G.

sweden said...

I can't believe they sell food at Sully's-I'll have to try it.