Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Phelan-Koch rematch shows promise of severe ass kicking, has residents ready for war

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Former three-term mayor William Phelan, who announced last Tuesday that he would officially seek a rematch against Mayor Thomas Koch, is gearing up for what some hope to be the most severe ass kicking ever seen.

Phelan, who had spent the past two months exploring the possibility of a run in the upcoming mayoral election, claims to have received overwhelmingly positive feedback regarding his decision to seek revenge on the vertically-challenged man who fucked him out of his job just two years prior.

"Personally, I hope Phelan kicks the living shit out of him," said Partiana Tarter, a local girl with approximately twelve years of high school under her belt. "I've lived in Quincy my entire life, but when it comes time to buy a home, I'll probably have to look elsewhere, as long as Koch is in office, at least. To be honest, I don't really want my tax dollars going towards another one of the mayor's shag carpeting fiascoes, or his stupid Nike Air Force One collection that nobody seems to wanna talk about. Mayor Koch is not fit to lead, he's barely even a high school graduate. We're talking about a guy who makes city checks out to himself and then launders the money through the Coinstar machine in the Star Market on Granite Street. The dude's a dick, and somebody needs to take him down. What better person to do it than Phelan?"

Other residents seemed to have very similar views on the upcoming election, alleging that Mayor Koch has done little-to-nothing for his constituents, spending nearly all city funds on selfish, personal items, such as outlandish toga parties, trips to Venice, a Bose stereo system, an extravagant granite bust of himself, and an over-the-top Dodge Magnum SRT-8 with twenty-inch rims and a custom shark skin interior. "Life under Koch has been hard for the working man," remarked Terrence Billings, a local black. "Mayor Koch is a revolting, unsightly creature, where Phelan is basically just a normal looking human being. It's really not hard. Let's bring Quincy back to what it used to be, folks. It's time to change the sheets."


sweden said...

Nice-It has to feel great to write this stuff-keep it up

Dink said...

Sweden, you are everywhere, unlike Sweden.

Beak Wilder said...

Sweden has definitely become an ever-growing entity on the blog.

Tacky said...

I walk past Koch's house on my way to the train everyday. He was getting a Stop & Shop Peapod delivery yesterday. Fucker's too good to go buy groceries with John Q. Public.

The Quincy Scallion said...

This is not surprising, Tacky.

Since his election, Mayor Koch has proven to the public only two things: 1. He is not very tall, and 2. He not only thinks he is exempt from the rules, he believes he can make them up as he goes along.