Monday, June 1, 2009

Wisecracking parrot beaten to death in Furnace Brook Parkway apartment complex

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Lefty, a well-known parrot from the Wollaston area of Quincy, notorious for his never-ending wisecracks and ridicule of all those who crossed his path, was found dead this morning from what authorities say appeared to be head trauma caused by thirty-to-forty blows with a blunt object. Neighbors who had a history with the bird gathered outside the apartment complex to both answer questions and celebrate.

Val Vickson, a door-to-door Clubman After Shave Lotion salesman who was recently diagnosed with brain tumors and a lisp, quipped that, "Lefty ith probably ruining Thatan’s life down in Hell right about now. I’m tho glad that bird ith dead.”

It is unclear exactly who was responsible for beating the bird to death, but police say there is no shortage of suspects. Officer Nico Haylen explained that the bird was widely hated and even expressed little sympathy himself towards the death. “Look, by law we have to solve this and bring the responsible party to justice. But the last time I drove down this street, I could hear that piece of shit laughing, and I’m almost positive it called me a nerd.”

Neighbors who knew the bird well told tales of constant judgment and mental anguish, claiming even bird lovers had reached the end of their rope with the infamous winged smart aleck. "It was so obnoxious," stated Matty Southside, a wisecracking bird lover from South Quincy. "It was only a matter of time before somebody took him out. He was such an overly opinionated bird. He definitely thought his shit didn't stink---and it did---it smelled like shit."

Abington ironworker Tom Turkolio was the first non-Quincy resident to respond. "Working with iron in Abington has taught me a lot about the psychology of Quincy kids," he remarked. "I don't know if anybody knows this bird's back-story, or not, but he used to belong to Jeff Brophy back in the day. It's pretty obvious why this bird turned out the way he did. He's basically just a Psittacidae version of the biggest dirtbag Quincy has ever seen. I do realize that I'm talking about a parrot---I really do---but we're also talking about a parrot that smoked two packs a day."

Lefty’s owner was unavailable for comment, as was the bird's previous owner, Jeff Brophy. One person who was available, however, was Se├▒or Breadmango, the lovable janitor of the building. Sweating nervously, Breadmango stated that he was “away on business” during the time of the attack. “I clean the building. The's not a good bird. I don’t like the bird, and the bird…it don’ never like me,” he stated in his trademark take on the English language.

Police and other authorities acknowledged that the bird had a spotty record and was the cause of many sitcom-style shenanigans during it’s brief reign of terror in the lower Wollaston area. Arrangements for the bird are to be made private, although a donation can be made in the bird's name to any major cigarette company.


LL Cool J said...

You killed my bird!!!

sweden said...

There is someone who is sad the bird died--There is a reason for every reaction--Feel free to correct my punctuation, spelling and grammar as I am no longer annonymous--

Beak Wilder said...

No longer anonymous, but apparently "neutral," I take it.