Friday, June 19, 2009

Local ironworker arrested for going on insane rampage during peaceful PTA meeting

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Tom Turkolio, the Abington ironworker known for his mysterious interests in Quincy politics, was arrested last night for going on a violent rampage at a local PTA meeting.

The PTA meeting, which took place at Lincoln-Hancock Elementary School in West Quincy, was being held to discuss an upcoming summer program, in which the children of Quincy will be taught defense mechanisms against gonorrhea.

"I don't even know what that guy was doing there," said Allison Hambone, a former employee of Leo's Variety Store and mother of six from Brewer's Corner. "First of all, the guy is from Abington, and even more importantly, he doesn't even have any kids. Why he was at a PTA meeting in Quincy is beyond me. I honestly have no idea what this guy's motive is. That dude is a fucking creep."

Eyewitnesses at the event described Turkolio as being mild-mannered at first, yet agree that the underlying tension of his presence was enough to cause an air of discomfort throughout the entire room.

"Everything was going fine at first," said Jimmy "Ass Dog" Adams, the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of the great John Adams. "It was just an ordinary PTA meeting, nothing out of the ordinary. I was there, doing my usual thing, drinking free coffee and scoping out the lonely single mothers, then they opened up the floor for a little Q&A. That's when shit started getting nuts, right then and there. This Turkolio guy raises his hand, and I'm just staring at him, because there's something in his eyes that just ain't right. That's when I noticed how enormous his hands were. Seriously, his fingers were the size of marinated turkey tips, it was fucking insane."

Taking a quick "bathroom break," Adams returned to resume his story, this time noticeably more energetic than before. "So, for some reason, the lady who's hosting the meeting ends up picking somebody else for the first question," he continued. "So this Turkolio guy goes fucking ballistic. He starts throwing chairs around, smashing people's faces, and just acting like a fucking lunatic. Poor Janet Russo ended up taking a chalkboard to the dome. I can honestly say that that was the first time I literally saw somebody's face explode. Poor bitch didn't even see it coming. And the dude doesn't stop there, he just keeps taking people out. It was so calculated, almost meticulous. This wasn't the first time this guy went nuts, not by a long shot. He knew what he was doing. And he just keeps ranting and raving about shit that has nothing to do with him. He goes into his pocket and whips out a fucking list of demands, and just starts screaming at the top of his lungs. "I will not be ignored!" he keeps yelling. "I demand to be taken seriously." It was all pretty overwhelming. And the whole time, all I can do is just stare into those eyes. See, the thing about this Tom Turkolio guy---he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living. Until he bites ya, that is, and those black eyes roll over white and then---well then you hear that terrible high-pitched screaming. Either way, it was the most hilarious PTA meeting I've ever been to. That kid went to fucking Psycho Land. Seriously, I haven't seen anything that fucking insane since the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan. It was that crazy."

Sol Shrewdman, the defense attorney best known for representing disgraced police officer Nico Haylen, immediately took the opportunity to defend his client. "My client is good people," he stated. "He's an ironworker. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's a man who works with iron. It requires great strength, and often times, a kind and gentle heart. He can lift an entire bureau over his head without even breaking a sweat. But should he be punished for that? Of course not. Who cares about what happened at this so called PTA meeting? Certainly not me, that's for sure. What's important here are my client's intentions, which, as far as I can see, were as pure as Colombian cocaine. Has everybody here forgotten what a mulligan is? This calls for an immediate do-over, and nothing more. I'm asking everybody involved here to take your pencils, flip them over, and erase this moment in time from your memories. He's extremely sorry. What more is there to say?"

Turkolio will be arraigned this afternoon at the Quincy District Court. He will plead not guilty to mulitple counts of unnecessary rampage, inciting a riot, and resisting arrest.

13 comments:

Tacky said...

The man is a menace that must be stopped.

Baloney No. 8 said...

Oh that Turkolio... what a dreamboat.

3F1L4ZDN0M41D said...

He is no man, and can not be stopped.

Anonymous said...

I don't know this iron worker nor do I give a rat's ass about him. I just want to take a moment to give kudos to the excellent writings on all the local news. It is a pleasure to come out here and read simply the most hilarious Takes on local news ever!!!! I think you just need to be recognized for your talent and dedication in getting the absolute false take on all the local happenings out here on a daily basis and clevery done, too!

sweden said...

The only good thing about Abington was Kings Castle.He probably hung there before resorting to Quincy PTA Meetings.
I do love baloney but thank god the song's gone from my head. I think Wilder's the dreamboat..physically and mentally, seems others think so too.

sweden said...

Bologna-Baloney-it's not somethng I usually have to write-I got i now though-thanks

TomTurkolio said...

I am to a man, and I am just a man who is passionate demands to be heard! This is crap, and saying "he is no man, and can't be stopped" and "the man is a menace and must be stopped" will not help my case! Furthermore none of you were even there (obviously, or else you would be complaning about your smashed faces rather than my behavior) so you have no take!

Also, sweden Kinks Castle Land was in Whitman not Abington, and there was nothing good about that place!

Baloney No. 8 said...

Who's the alien creature?

Probably some poor shlub who indulged in one to many Happy Meals.

Hey alien - if you really are from another planet - word to the wise, don't eat at McDonald's. Especially the 24 hour one in North Quincy.

sweden said...

TT-I notice you called it Kinks castle-freudian slip?

Moisture02171 said...

oh my, I'm glad I sent a way for that rape whistle last week. Now with all the crazy people in this city....

sweden said...

Rape is one of the few crimes that doesn't happen here-we stick to drugs,o.u.i.,maybe robbery--when you're drugged or drunk those other urges go away.Also rumor has it Quincy girls are easy so I guess it's not neccessary.

3F1L4ZDN0M41D said...

Sorry, Turkey, Please dont beat me up!!
I dont eat McDonalds Baloney, and I dont know what a shlub is.

Moisture02171 said...

my brother is a schlub.