Tuesday, June 30, 2009

MBTA to begin showing feature length films during treacherous ride between North Quincy and JFK

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority has recently announced their plans to begin showing feature length films during the dreaded ride between North Quincy Station and JFK/UMass.

The new plans, which will be implemented on Saturday, August 1st, have daily users of the subway system hopeful for better times to come.

A spontaneous test run was tried out earlier this afternoon, in which inbound commuters were able to watch The Godfather: Part II in it's entirety, leaving them with only approximately thirty-seven minutes of awkward silence before finally reaching JFK/UMass.

"I thought it was great," said "Silent" Mike K., who declined to comment any further.

The new project, which has been coined "The MBTA Movie Reform" by Mayor Thomas Koch, will require each train car to have a thirteen-inch Sanyo TV/VHS combo set to be installed, costing the already near bankrupt agency tens of thousands of dollars in much needed funds.

"This is gonna be a good thing," commented Herb McGrath, a TV/VHS combo installer from Wollaston who won the MBTA contract earlier this morning, outbidding the runner-up by a mere fraction of a cent. "Nobody likes the ride between those two stops, it just takes too goddamn long. We're gonna do some great things here, you just watch. I have some really good ideas on how I'm gonna angle these television sets so that almost everyone in the train car can see what's going on. We're probably gonna have to figure out a way to put a locked casing around the VHS slot though. You let people near that shit, the next thing you know, it's a fucking porn fest during your morning commute. This is a really big gig for me, and that last thing I wanna do is lose it. I've already been sleeping on the couch for the past three months as it is. I don't even wanna know what my wife would do if I fucked this up. Aside from that though, we got this thing covered. This is gonna be slippery smooth, just like butter."

The MBTA will unveil their project during the first train out of North Quincy Station on opening day, and will be offering complimentary popcorn and tonic water to anyone with a valid Charlie Card.

In a semi-related event, Mayor Thomas Koch's intentions of taking full credit for the project were brought to a screeching halt when North Quincy Station officials broke up an attempted ribbon cutting ceremony being held by the mayor himself.

The MBTA denies any connection to Mayor Koch, as well as his coined phrase, "The MBTA Movie Reform," as they are completely separate from the city of Quincy. When asked why he would take it upon himself to name a project that had absolutely nothing to do with him, Mayor Koch simply sat down and continued to be significantly smaller than the average adult male.

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