Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Neo-Nazis invade Wollaston with vague threats of ethnic nationalism and careless punctuation


Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Brian "Hardball" Jones

The St. Ann's tunnel was vandalized earlier this week by what appears to be a group of neo-Nazis who spent too much time drawing swastikas in school to pay attention to the laws of basic punctuation.

The tunnel, which is used mostly as a last chance "piss stop" for teenagers to use when walking home from keg parties at the Mount, connects St. Ann's Road to the Newport Autobahn stretch of Newport Avenue, and has been plagued with graffiti problems since the late eighties.

"This is very offensive to me," remarked Sol Shrewdman, a criminal defense attorney from the South Shore. "This is more than just graffiti on a wall, it is an act of terror. The people of Quincy have the right to feel safe in their own city, especially the Jews. Jewish people are far too neurotic to be forced to worry about neo-Nazism, or anything else for that matter. The correct course of action in this situation is to ignore this crime. The Jewish people have tolerated hatred like this for dozens of years now, and feeding into this act of totalitarian and fascist vandalism would only legitimize these criminals' attempts at instilling fear in the hearts of respectable people. The most important thing is that we, together as one, remain strong and united. Only then can we achieve what those who are fueled by hatred and ignorance have fought so long to take from us."

But beyond the hatred and misguided ideological agenda, one thing that has upset the community more than anything is what appears to be an unnecessary apostrophe in the word "Jews."

To get to the bottom of this, the Scallion called upon the help of rooftop criminal analyst Audrey Baloney. "This is not typically my field," she stated. "I majored in rooftop criminal analysis. I wouldn't be where I was today if I hadn't. But what many people don't realize is that I minored in English, which entailed an extensive study of the language, as you can imagine. It's also one of my favorite languages, I might add. If you ask me, it's the true romance language---not Polish, like everybody else says. Now, I've done the research. I've read the footnotes. One might say that I've gotten myself into a staring contest with the English language and won. Yeah, seriously. And I can truly say, with almost one hundred percent certainty, that the apostrophe in the word 'Jews' is about as unnecessary as the human appendix."

Until further information is available, authorities are offering an "IOU" to anyone with information leading to the capture and arrest of any neo-Nazi involved in this crime. In the meantime, a trap has been set inside the tunnel, consisting of a box filled with the entire Skrewdriver discography, four Fred Perry shirts, a paperback copy of Mein Kampf, and a Battle Ruins demo cassette, rigged with explosives. Due to this explosive trap, all residents are asked to please steer clear of the area surrounding the tunnel, and to keep all dogs at a safe distance from the box, unless, of course, it's one of those annoying little dogs that sits outside and barks all day on the corner of Sunnyside and Wallace.

9 comments:

Dink said...

Fuck a Spleen

Anonymous said...

With this gross mispunctuation, it is possible they misspelled as well. Perhaps the intended comment was "Fuck Juice".

Beak Wilder said...

I can't think of a single person that doesn't like juice.

Anonymous said...

I don't care for juice Mr. Wilder. I was not aware that there were any Jews living in the Quincy area. We don't even have a synagogue in our city.......do we? Now I know why that tunnel always smelled so bad and I have a deviated septum.

sweden said...

Perhaps it was that they don't know how to spell juice and they don't hate juice. They didn't mean FUCK juice but were referring to the juices that flow there from some other unseemly activities.

sweden said...

Of course we have synagogues-there's one across from Central.

sweden said...

Hey-did anyone see the bubbles in the new fountain this morning?Looks like the homeless are bathing as predicted. At least they're doing it at night in the dark.

Beak Wilder said...

I usually walk through Merrymount Park on my way to work, although I was a little late today, so I cut through the paths in the drinking area of the Mount to cut down on time. Now I'm wishing I didn't. I would have loved to see those bubbles.

Darth Vader said...

Anonymous said,"Perhaps the intended comment was "Fuck Juice....WTF...that is funny shit...lol