Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Body of missing girl found in West Quincy dumpster, "I'm on this," says local badge


Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The body of a missing girl was found late last night in a dumpster behind the 7-Eleven convenience store on Copeland Street in West Quincy.

The victim, who has been identified by parents as Tara Springfield, 23, of Wollaston, had been reported missing since early Monday morning, when her parents claimed she never came home after her Sunday night work shift at the Wollaston Yacht Club on Quincy Shore Drive.

The body was found at approximately 11:45PM by a local homeless man known only as “Guitar Man,” an out-of-work singer-songwriter who has been struggling to balance the conflicting worlds of unemployment and an explosive marijuana habit for the past two decades.

As usual, Officer Nico Haylen was available to respond. “This was an atrocious, gruesome act of murder,” he stated, as he checked his blood glucose level with the natural poise and charisma of a golden-era Clooney. “The victim’s body was found gagged and hogtied, and showed signs of being held in these restraints for quite some time. Each of her teeth had been forcefully removed. The fatality itself appears to have been caused by extreme blood loss from a large laceration to the carotid artery, but autopsy reports will not be available until later in the week."

"When we arrived on the scene," Haylen continued. "We found that the body had been strategically placed in a manner so it appeared that she was sitting Indian style, and a John Adams-style powdered wig had been placed on her head, leading us to believe this may be related to another body we had discovered over the weekend, although that much is merely speculation at this time. We are also waiting on a report on a Styrofoam-like material that was found inserted under the nail of the victim’s right index finger, which, at first glance, appears to be a piece of a Dunkin’ Donuts Great One cup. As many of you already know, a Great One cup was also found at the crime scene over the weekend in the Beachcomber parking lot. While it's too soon to link these crimes for sure, as evidence collection and forensic reports are still in the early phases, the similarities are undoubtedly there. We are asking that all residents of the area use extreme caution, especially at night. Do the buddy system, carry a baseball bat, go get a huge fucking gun, it doesn’t matter to me. Just be careful out there. I’m on this, and that’s really all the residents of this fine city need to know. When it’s time to play hardball, Nico Haylen is the man for the job.”

Officer Nico Haylen was then escorted through the crowd to his brand new, police-issued Kawasaki Ninja ZX-10R, where he signed autographs and received a standing ovation that lasted roughly thirteen minutes, yet again proving himself to be a fan favorite among locals.

“Survival of the fastest!” Haylen screamed, as he sped off into a crowded Hancock Street at an estimated 100 miles per hour.


The 7-Eleven dumpster where Tara Springfield's mutilated body was found.

No further information is known as to whether these two recent murders are linked, nor has the identity of the first victim been made known. Anyone with information on either of these two cases has been asked to please contact authorities immediately.

10 comments:

3F1L4ZDN0M41D said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Baloney No. 8 said...

Oooooooo deleted comment!! Someone's in TROUBLE!

Who was it? Who was it?

sweden said...

Hmm-my curiosity is peaked. This story reads real, maybe someone should be writing for a detective magazine or co-authoring a detective book...

Anonymous said...

I love to hunt. Prowling the streets looking for fair game -- tasty meat. The wemon of Quincy are prettyist of all. It must be the water they drink. I live for the hunt -- my life. Blood for papa.

sweden said...

Luckily anonymous is looking for Wemon which I believe are small jamacain men not women. Audrey better keep a keen eye from the rooftops, he sounds creepy.

Baloney No. 8 said...

Sweden,
Your commentary delights me to no end. I share your sentiment, and like you, caught this egregious spelling error. Whether or not he's after Quincy females, or small men, I do know one thing for sure: the concept of timing and creating a climax through secrecy is completely lost on this anonymous, uneducated n'er do well. He apparently just couldn't wait to post SOMEthing on-line about his shenanigans, could he?

Officer Nico Haylen has proven in every moment of his career that he is completely untrustworthy. Even his plummeting blood sugar is a physical manifestation of his unreliability. Please be assured my fellow commenter, that I am on the case with full determination and dedication.

Fear not small Jamaican men in Quincy!

Audrey Baloney will bring this coffee drinking "papa" to justice!

From the rooftops signing off,
no.8

george said...

You can't fuck with a guy who drinks that much coffee

3F1L4ZDN0M41D said...

Sounds like a copy cat killer. thats a direct quote from David Berkowitz's letter to N.Y.P.D.

TomTurkolio said...

Well, I hope that "The Great One killer" reads this fucking shit. I got few ideas that could puts this Charlie into the ranks of The Boston Strangler, The Beltway Sniper, or The Unibomber!
First and foremost if I wasn't an aspiring politician I'd be doing this shit myself so don't be thinking I'm some two bit biatch that requires the assistance from a local madman.
let me just say that I've had it with people from Montclair with their fucking senses of entitlement! If I could, I'd swoop through there like sickle through the wheat! Followed by the mass genocide of anyone that works in the school system because it breeds people that feel they are so much more educated that they feel it's needed to call you out for simple errors of grammar that slip out during moments of rage while blogging!

TURKOLIO 2009!

sweden said...

Sounds like someone
's not a fan of Sweden. I think I'll keep quiet for a while but I'll still be reading. Also, there's no mystery here. I'm not tall and blond as my name would imply and I'm more than a few years beyond 29. Not mysterious at all but thanks for the mention. It's the more fame than I ever expected and all the fame I would ever want.