Thursday, July 16, 2009

Hollywood heartthrob Nick Nolte makes surprise appearance at local coffee shop, challenges entire city to feats of strength

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of Kevin Hammark

In a strange and unexpected turn of events, Nick Nolte, the Hollywood actor who became an overnight Quincy sensation after starring in a movie called The Golden Bowl, made a surprise appearance this morning at the Coffee Break Cafe on Old Colony Avenue in Wollaston.

The Hollywood legend arrived at 6:35AM this morning, as was shown by a smashed wristwatch that Mr. Nolte tossed carelessly on the hood of a nearby Toyota Corolla. Combining a grizzled facade with a working man’s handshake, the actor was easily able to earn the immediate fear and respect of both staff and customers of the cafe. Barking out an order for “three boiling hot pots of black coffee---as black as the souls in Hell---and a corn muffin," Nolte then stared down a middle aged woman until she vacated her seat, which he then placed himself in with the casual flair and finesse of a severely wounded wildebeest. While business returned to normal, the actor spent the next two hours playing a one-man game of Connect Four while growling uncontrollably.

Meanwhile, civilians from as far away as Mascot Chef and Andre's Market could hear the shocking and appalling sounds from Nolte’s mid-nineties Ford Tempo, as all windows and doors were left wide open, exposing all in the surrounding area to the scandalous sounds of an extremely graphic romance novel on audio cassette.

It was at that point when Nolte allegedly met up with Dino Bland and Moranzo Llamas, two local day laborers who were unable to find work for the day, and decided to spend the day fucking shit up with a movie star.

"That's when Nolte stood up," commented Vick Noelery, an intense young employee at the impressively organized, independently owned coffee shop. "As soon as he met up with those other two, things started to change. I can't remember everything, but, when he saw those two come in, something in his brain just snapped. I couldn't help but to look at him standing there. He was magnificent, like no other I had ever seen. He was the perfect specimen. There was a calming chill in the air, but it only lasted for a moment. Nolte and I were looking directly at each other, but it was more like we were looking through each other, into each other's minds. I couldn't help but to get scared by what I saw in there. It was a dark mind. It was completely null and void of any form of human emotion. There was no rhyme, no reason, no rhythm. It was the quintessential darkness that all men know and fear, yet they put it into the depths of their minds, hoping that they can control it, that urge to dive face-first into the middle, just to see what it's like. And the whole time, all I can think is, "Oh, please, Nolte, no...don't you leave me here in the dark." That's when I felt the piercing plastic rows and columns of Connect Four come crashing into my face at the speed of a funky dragon. The next thing I know, I'm falling backwards, and I think there was blood in my eyes, It seemed to take forever for me to hit the floor. It was like I was being cradled by an unseen force. The last thing I remember is coming to the realization that Nick Nolte had absolutely no pockets. Everything he was wearing---his pants, his shirt, his jacket, the pair of shorts he had over the pants---none of them had any pockets. What kind of person leaves the house without wearing anything that has pockets? You can't live your life without a pocket."

By 9:13AM, Quincy Police were receiving reports of madness and mayhem throughout the streets. Names like "Nolte," "Bland," and "Llamas" quickly became noticed as the common denominator in almost all of these situations. A special task force was then assembled, utilizing the strongest minds and bodies within the department's riot squad, Special Forces, and whatever Germantown, West Quincy, or Hough's Neck kids were in holding cells at the time.

"We received quite a few calls in regards to what was described as 'an obvious homeless man,' challenging pedestrians to drinking contests, arm wrestling, slam dunk contests, and badminton tournaments," stated Officer Nico Haylen, Quincy's lovable, but extremely dangerous, diabetic cop. "Out came the guns for me, that's for sure. We knew it must be Nolte. This isn't the first time he's pulled this shit in Quincy. That guy must have family here, or something. I dunno, either way, it was Nolte or me, and today just didn't seem like a good day to die."

Approximately four hours later, at which point there were fourteen confirmed dead and many more left injured, Nolte allegedly parted ways with Bland and Llamas and simply headed back to wherever it was he came from. Local police have made no comment as to why they were unable to locate Nolte during the ongoing riot, or "strengthcapade," as the actor himself calls it, leaving the unanswered question as to why they didn't just wait by his car until he returned for it, or, at the very least, monitor his frequently updated, extremely accurate Twitter.

"They really blew it on this one," said Jimmy Flynn, a local buffoon who has dedicated his entire life to embracing the ironic side of humor, yet does not own a tape deck. "They let Nolte get away. They let him loose on humanity. Sooner or later, somebody's gonna have to answer for that."


At 8:15PM this evening, Nick Nolte turned himself into authorities, claiming he was "stripped of cash and could use the free breakfast." The Quincy Police department has yet to release an official statement, however, it is presumed that whoever is currently interrogating Mr. Nolte is having a fucking blast.

Nolte, just after turning himself into authorities for the free McDonald's breakfast.

There is still, at this point in time, no word from Bland and Llamas, the mysterious, odd-job-working duo who seemingly teamed up with Nolte this morning and were somehow able to evade authorities, much like everyone else involved. There is no word yet on their intentions, nor is their any confirmation as to what their capabilities are. The only thing known for sure is that they are both extremely good looking men. Stay tuned until more information on this developing story is made available.

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