Monday, July 13, 2009

Local fundraiser accidentally turns into all-night dance party, sets tone for summer

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A fundraiser was held yesterday afternoon for mayoral candidate, Jeff Brophy, at the Casa de Crazy* in the Mount Wollaston section of Quincy.
*Spanish for "Brophy's House"

The fundraiser, which was initially planned to be a small gathering of wealthy investors, reportedly blossomed into a state of utter lunacy after a bottle of PatrĂ³n XO Cafe was smuggled out of Brophy's kitchen and unleashed into the crowd.

"That was no fundraiser," claimed Bucky Greengrass, a known party crasher from the God's Country section of Montclair. "That was a straight-up party. The political agenda was so subtle, it almost wasn't even there."

Matters were then made worse when rival candidate, Tom Turkolio, arrived on the scene, sporting an electric yellow t-shirt, temporarily blinding anyone who looked in his general direction.

"That fucking dude burned the retinas right outta my head," screamed Moranzo Llamas, an eccentric day laborer known for constantly exaggerating his side of the events. "What does that dude think, he can just show up in Quincy, blind everybody in sight, and then get our votes come November? Me and my friend, Brendan, will probably never be able to see again. Once every five years, or so, something really horrible happens to Brendan's face, and this was just one of those times. Fuck that shit. I'm voting Jeff Brophy for mayor!"

Approximately two hundred dollars was raised at the event, which was immediately "applied to the campaign" when a man known only as "Wavy Davey" spent the entire amount on a bag of miscellaneous nips, purchased out of the back door of Franklin Beer and Wine after closing time by utilizing a series of secret knocks and bird calls.

"I no like Wavy Davey," remarked Chow "The Malaysian Asian" Fung, a Franklin Beer and Wine clerk who participated in the shady deal. "Wavy Davey never tip me---never, ever. I no trust Wavy Davey, he got the crazy eye. I pray that he burn in Hell. But in my heart, I know that Hell would no have him."

After countless hours of mutually enjoyed insanity, the event then came to a conclusion with a ten-minute-long recreation of the "gold watch scene" in Pulp Fiction, in which Brophy played the parts of both Christopher Walken and the young Bruce Willis, all while unsucessfuly attempting to hold in a huge twelve-beers-worth piss. As would be expected, this resulted in a brief and awkward moment of silence, followed by an impromptu 1970's style funk dance off.

"Kid, vote for me, kid," exclaimed Brophy as he put his "puppy dog face" on to ask his mother to cut the crust off his peanut butter and jelly sandwich for him. "What dude is gonna get Quincy more fucked up than me, kid? Me, that's fuckin' who. Kid, this kid right here is the fuckin' kid, kid. That shit would be fuckin' nasty, kid. My boy DJ Knife and I are gonna issue every Quincy kid a pea coat and shell toes on their eighteenth birthday. Dude, there'd be bitches and broads all over the place, it'd be fuckin' hilarious. Fuck Tom Turkolio. That dude's not even from fuckin' Quincy, kid. He wouldn't survive two fuckin' hours in Quincy, if you ask me. He's a fuckin' ironworker shitbag, that's what he is. Dude probably voted for fuckin' Hillary Clinton. I hate Hillary Clinton. What a fuckin' rotten hatchet wound that old bitch is, huh? What a fuckin' whore. Anybody who doesn't vote for me is gonna get fuckin' knuckled the fuck up, right upside their fuckin' head, kid."

According to multiple eyewitness accounts, Tom Turkolio spent at least six hours at the Quincy event and is assumed to have survived it just fine.

1 comment:

sweden said...

Montclair is Gods country. I'm amazed the places I go that I see Montclair stickball shirts. Brophy does look a little like a Bassett hound....Gotta love Patron.