Monday, July 20, 2009

Restaurant dispute leads to jury duty for entire city, causes massive tension among locals

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web and Audrey Baloney

An awkward dispute between a staff member of the Hancock Tavern and a excruciatingly fickle customer has lead to the first case of jury duty being required by all citizens of Quincy.

The incident occurred Saturday at approximately 1:30PM when Val “Tix” Vickson, recent owner of Quincy Tickets on Hancock Street and notoriously indecisive eater, sent a bacon cheeseburger back a record twenty-four times in one sitting.

Waitress Susan Bitch, 51, a staff member of both the Hanock Tavern and former Wells Pub, was not amused. “This guy is a real piece of work, lemme tell ya,” Bitch remarked. “He started off by demanding we play a burned CD of the 'There Will Be Blood' soundtrack while he ate. Then he ordered a glass of ice with ‘three shots of ginger ale’ in it. I complied, even though that is just ridiculous to ask of someone, and after I wiped his goddamn fingerprints off of the back of the CD and finally got it to work, I gave him the ginger ale.”

Bitch, a long-suffering divorcee, coupled with a twenty-five pack a day cigarette habit, was then allegedly subjected to further abuse by Vickson. “That bastard told me the music was ‘too moody’ for lunch, and that there should be more ice in his drink. Then he tells me there is too much ice in the drink and it’s hurting his toothache. Why would you order that if you had a toothache?”

Police were called to the establishment when the tension between the two reached its inevitable boiling point. An order for a bacon cheeseburger, previously rejected by Vickson twenty-three times for being “too good to eat," “tasting like riboflavin," and having “a non-vegetarian vibe,” amongst other things, was then sent back to the cook for a final time.

Officer Skip Donovan responded to the scene first and had this to offer: “That shit was so awkward. They were both in each other’s faces, screaming, and everyone else in the place was just trying to pretend they were watching TV and not hearing it. Nobody wanted to get involved in that shit, me included”

Officer Donovan, who upon entering the tavern was booed wildly, as many were expecting diabetic hero, Nico Haylen, to arrive, then tried to disarm the situation using standard techniques. “This movie ‘Once Were Warriors’ was playing on the television, but, for whatever reason, it was skipping and just repeating the part where the guy just beats the absolute living fuck out of his wife. It was brutal. That did not help ease the tension in there at all. I asked both of them to calm down, they said ‘no,' so I was all out of ideas and just hit the bar. I pounded some beers, watched the movie, and just tried to play it off like I wasn’t on-duty anymore.”

Donovan was fired later that day. He went home and committed suicide in a fashion too gruesome to mention. His funeral service will be held at tomorrow at Lydon Funeral Home. The casket will most definitely be closed.

The Quincy Police Department, in conjunction with the mayor’s office, then reached the only logical conclusion they could come up with at the time. Jury duty notices were issued to every single citizen and illegal alien inside the city's limits per orders of Mayor Koch’s office. The case of Bitch vs. Vickson will take place this summer at Quincy District Court and promises to both divide the city and produce a rich, carnival-like atmosphere, courtesy of Don’s Joke Shop and Friendly’s Ice Cream.

While the concerns over who will work local businesses, take care of children, the sick, and the elderly, run hospitals and civic services, and other important duties were brought up in a press conference with the mayor, they were all swept swiftly under the rug. The city's ignorant shenanigans have once again trumped all forms of logic and decency.

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