Monday, July 6, 2009

Known party animal calls into work with thinly-veiled excuse of having broken dick

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Timmy "Smooth Nuggets" Taylor, 26, a known party animal and mediocre mechanic from Quincy Point, was unable to make it into work today, making the outrageous claim that his dick broke during a late-night sexual encounter with a Weymouth girl.

Taylor, who has a long history of calling in sick to work, claims that his penis was bent in a most excruciating manner while engaged in an intensely vigorous sexual position, which was invented in Quincy Point, known as the "Pointside Joint Ride."

"I don't believe a word out of this kid's mouth," claimed Johnny Lumpkin, Taylor's immediate supervisor. "It's just pretty ironic that this happened right after one of the biggest party weekends of the year. I just don't even know what to believe with this kid anymore. We're talking about a kid who claimed he had to leave work to drive his sister to get an abortion, just to be caught on the front page of the Boston Herald at the Phantom Gourmet BBQ Beach Party. Sorry, but I just can't believe somebody like that. There's no way around it, the kid's kind of a maggot."

Other excuses in Taylor's three-year span at the local service department include temporary blindness, short-term paralysis, post-9/11 dementia, and a sudden, unexplainable fear of working for a living.

"People like this Taylor kid are usually lying," remarked Dink Lightning, an aspiring architect and notorious hater of the Scallion from Cambridge, who was interviewed for the sole reason of "Dink" being her first name. "I don't even know why anybody would actually even consider believing this bullshit. This is not a story. Whoever is writing this article is probably way too stoned to actually think of anything newsworthy. Nobody wants to hear about this shit."

Taylor was admitted into Quincy Medical Center this morning at 3:32AM with what he described as a "broken dick" and "balls the size of cantaloupes." He was discharged later this morning and has since been unheard from, aside from one single phone call, in which he described the fateful events to coworker, Lucretia Lutts.

"I took the call right before we opened up," stated Lutts. "It was probably the sixteenth call that had come in, too. Everybody was banging in sick today, it was fucking retarded. Timmy just kept going on and on about his dick being broken, claiming some Weymouth chick made it bend in some horrible direction. And the whole time, I'm just wondering what he was doing with a Weymouth chick. See, Weymouth chicks have a thing that we like to call 'Weymouth Face,' which is basically just a really disgusting face. So disgusting, in fact, that you can just tell right off the bat that it's from Weymouth. Seriously, I'm not making it up, it's an actual thing. You could probably even Google it."

According to Taylor's story, he had met up with a group of Weymouth girls on the 4th of July at Avalon Beach, arranging a later "get-together" at his friend Cranka's house. It was at that point that Taylor claims to have initiated drunken sex with a girl in the group named Tina (or possibly Deidre). It wasn't until halfway through the intercourse, when he noticed that her pubic hair was shaved into a "W," that he knew he was in store for some dark and painful times.

"That bitch broke my dick," barked Taylor, as he soothed his gentleman zone with a bag of ice he had purchased from the Tedeschi's on Washington Street. "I know nobody fucking believes me, I can see that much, but I'm gonna bring all the ER papers into my work to prove it. I just gotta get copies of them first. It was so windy when I got discharged---no lie---and they blew right outta my hands. I think they went in the direction of 'Stoney Woods,' right by the Neighborhood Club. I couldn't exactly go chasing them, y'know? I can barely even fucking walk."

According to the flimsily recorded statistics of chief Scallion correspondent, Brunk Edwards, hundreds and hundreds of Quincy residents called in sick to work today, which, according to his even flimsier research, was most likely due to the 4th of July holiday. Whether there is truth to Taylor's claims, or not, only the promise of copied ER discharge slips will tell.

Taylor is scheduled to work tomorrow at 7:00AM, although is expected to pull yet another "no show," causing him far more flack than he bargained for. More on this developing story will be made available as it unravels.


danielle said...

Dink Lightning...what a dick!

Anonymous said...

This doesnt really happen does it?

Anonymous said...

I believe he did injure it. I know he likes to cry wolf but he can really work it!!!!! I Know

sweden said...

I love what I can learn reading the Scallion.Love it.

lizabeth said...

It definitely tops my "Dental Obligations" as an excuse for banging in