Friday, July 10, 2009

Absolute anarchy erupts at Wheelhouse Diner after autographed Donnie Wahlberg picture is removed from wall

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Police officers and ambulances were dispatched to the Wheelhouse Diner this morning after patrons violently rioted following the removal of a framed, autographed picture of Donnie Wahlberg. Authorities state the madness occurred at approximately 7:34AM after finding a smashed clock two blocks away on the hood of a Toyota Corolla. Thirty arrests were made, and nine people were sent to Quincy Medical Center, one of which is confirmed dead, as once again, residents of this city just could not handle sudden change in a peaceful, reasonable way.

According to eyewitnesses, the rampage broke out immediately after Jimmy “Jaybo” Bosworth, a commercial truck driver and diehard New Kids on the Block fan from North Quincy, noticed the missing Wahlberg photograph. It was at this point that customers of the establishment saw Bosworth fly into what they described as an “unwarranted rage,” throwing his scorching hot breakfast plate off a waitress’ face, reportedly knocking out all six of her teeth.

This was all it took for a devastating chain reaction of violence to break out in the infamous Hancock Street eatery. Mike Hayhurst, a Los Angeles resident who flies in daily to the Wheelhouse for breakfast, immediately started a chant of “Put it back!," which only further enhanced the ongoing commotion. Hayhurst was later spotted taking money out of the register with a “shit-eating grin” on his face. It then became painfully clear that there was more than just a damn good cup of joe brewin’ in the diner, as there was also serious trouble.

Stephanie Tannerfield, a Republican stoner who frequents the diner, told her side of the events. “It was a melee up in that bitch,” commented the conservative hippie. “That was the most intense breakfast experience I’ve had since the time Magic Johnson walked into Barry’s Deli with a gaping chest wound. That was gross, but in all honesty, this was a little grosser. People started losing their minds over that missing picture, and who could blame ‘em? Donnie Wahlberg is the best singer-songwriter of our time, end of fucking story. To remove his photograph is a blasphemy beyond all others, especially in this area of the country.”

Jeff Brophy, breakfast eater extraordinaire, mayoral candidate, and general “man about town,” was briefly released from custody to issue a statement on his participation in the riot. “Sup now, ked?!” proclaimed a chemically enhanced Brophy. He was then brought back to jail and charged with assault with a western omelet, snapping an elderly man’s legs between two rocks, melting a waitress’ face into oblivion on a grill, and wearing a hat with absolutely no logos on it. It is assumed that after making bail, Brophy will resume his slow and shaky march towards City Hall, although some have speculated that he will merely pass out in the nearest alleyway.

The Donnie Wahlberg photograph was originally added to the Wheelhouse’s wall of miscellanea back in 1994, just after the New Kids on the Block’s shockingly unexpected decline in popularity. Ever since then, it has become a permanent fixture in the diner, causing some regulars to choose to wait for periods of over an hour just to be seated near it. From the method acting techniques implemented in The Sixth Sense, to his acceptable portrayal of a hardened, yet oddly compassionate, detective in the Saw franchise, Wahlberg’s work has always been revered by those in the South Shore community. It is this level of respect, as well as the fading memory of his powerfully seductive dance moves in 1989’s Hangin’ Tough Tour, that is believed to be a major contributing factor to why patrons at the otherwise amicable “hole in the wall” lost their minds, causing thousands of dollars in property damage, and a city divided in two.

The Donnie Wahlberg photograph, framed, autographed, and fucking mounted!

While the debris are cleared up, and charges are brought forth against the remaining perpetrators, the owner of the Wheelhouse has assured the public that the diner will be open for business and that, more importantly, the Wahlberg picture will be rehung in its original spot. In a move to further satiate customers, a framed picture of Bobby Brown, another Boston music icon of years past, was hung on the opposing wall. The picture included a forged signature from Brown, as well as the message, "Please remain calm, the staff have families. Thanks!"

Alf Nelson, 98, of Granite Street, was killed during the chaos by a short-order cook. A razor sharp harmonica was used to slit Mr. Nelson's throat from ear-to-ear, and while the elderly man gurgled his last breath on the floor, a piping hot bowl of delicious beef stew was dumped on his head.

"That's no way to go out," remarked Chester Goon, one of the few patrons to remain in his seat and not resort to animalistic destruction. Goon then sorrowfully explained that, although he was not close with Mr. Nelson, he had seen him around a lot. "Alf was in here everyday. Those old timers love the early bird specials. They also love Donnie Wahlberg. I didn't know him too well, but he seemed like a solid dude, although there's something unsettling about a grown man sitting silently by himself and drinking a full bottle of ketchup. Poor bastard.”

The fighting then came to an abrupt stop as Les Izmore, another regular of the diner, noticed approximately ten sleeves of mint condition New Kids on the Block trading cards laying on the far table in the booth where all sounds from the men’s restroom can be heard. This fighting, however, was quickly refueled as none of the customers were willing to accept any cards featuring Jonathan Knight or Danny Wood. Police were then finally dispatched the scene, where arrests were made, and those who were not placed into custody were told to “go the fuck home.”

The NKOTB trading cards, which magically appeared in the booth.

Funeral arrangements for Alf Nelson will be made tomorrow at the Lydon Furneral Home in Wollaston. At this point, no mourners have confirmed their attendance.

1 comment:

sweden said...

Things aren't looking good for Brophy--I think he's losing ground.