Monday, July 27, 2009

Shots fired from Direct TV van on Water Street, causing brief streetwide panic

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A man fired several shots into the air as he passed two local legends on Water Street early Saturday morning, causing many people on the street to have to stop partying earlier than expected.

Neal James, of Wollaston, and Moranzo Llamas, of Quincy Point, were sitting on the front stairs of 259 Water Street at approximately 3:40AM, discussing what party to go to next, when a man in the passenger seat fired multiple shots from a hangun into the air as the van headed slowly towards the west side of town.

Police claim that the two men did not know the men in the vehicle, and that the gun was not pointed at them, although who really knows what the real fucking story is.

"It looked like a Direct TV van," said Moranzo Llamas, as he smoked away at his high-test marijuana using one of his signature makeshift bongs. "I fucking hate Direct TV. Those fuckers have been driving around in this area for a while now, I've been seeing them more and more. I don't even live here, we just needed to take a break from walking around for a bit. Unlike the rest of this fucking city, Neal and I don't snort coke, so we actually get tired sometimes. I know that's basically blasphemy in these parts, but it's just the way it is. Give me a half ounce of the good shit and a smooth Belgian ale, and I'm happy. There's a little somethin' for you to know about me, right there. It's just, like, I dunno, I just feel like you never really get to know somebody, because there's always that part of them that they hide from the rest of the world. There's other things, like, all tons of shit. I don't even go in the ocean water anymore. I dunno, dude, sharks scare me. So many teeth. They can just squash you up like a raspberry, without you even knowing that it's happening. I feel like you don't see raspberry in sodas as much as you did a few years back. Remember when you used to see raspberry in sodas a lot? It was especially with ginger ale, I remember that much. 1-800 I Feel OK, dude! Holy fucking shit, that just popped into my head. A little 'Memory Road' action. What were we even talking about? I'm so fucking stoned right now."

Police have not yet caught the two people driving the van, nor have they obtained any information as to the location of the van, leading some citizens to believe that they have no information at all.

"They were some of the ugliest motherfuckers I had ever seen," claimed Neal James, clad in a perfectly matched outfit of Skidz overalls and a vintage Motörhead shirt. "That lady driving looked like her mother ripped her out of the womb during the first trimester, stuck her in a blender for an hour, and then tossed her right back. 'All up in her womb,' as Neal Diamondz would say. She was fucking gross. Stevie Wonder on his blindest day wouldn't have fucked that bitch. Fuck Direct TV. They don't even have Fear Net On Demand. If those were Direct TV employees, that pretty much explains everything. With faces like that, you don't even need Fear Net."

Direct TV then sent down two of their finest looking floozies, armed with firm breasts, amazing smiles, and wicked, wicked, wicked short shorts.

A couple of whores Direct TV sent down to distract us.

"I'm gonna jump up and down," said the one with the white shirt. "Everybody take a look, I'm jumping up and down."

"Looks like somebody forgot to wear a bra," said the other one. "Oh well, looks like we're gonna have to party hard tonight. Set it off!"

No further information on this case has been made available, as all city officials instantly became too distracted to do anything beyond hanging out, chain-smoking butts, and drinking delicious, frosty beers.

So far, Direct TV has yet to make any official statement at this time, as no employees who actually wear respectable business attire were able to be reached.


Tacky said...

It's a sad state of affairs when you can't even walk down the street without being assaulted by a t.v. provider. This city's screwed if we ever get Vios. Them's some pushy motherfuckers.

Anonymous said...

Were there any Comcast vans in the area? Could be a turf war....

Beak Wilder said...

Rumors of Comcast vans in the same area are fucking abound. Best advised to stay inside.

TomTurkolio said...

All I have to say about this fucking stupid bullshit is, it makes my stomach turn-but-living here-you gotta learn-get used to it-it's-reality!!!!


Anonymous said...

Superfluous hyphen usage is detrimental to political campaigns.

Baloney No. 8 said...

Dear Anonymous,

I find it extremely amusing that you decide to make ridiculous remarks about hyphen usage, (which in my opinion is trivial) and hide behind the title "anonymous".

In my estimation, cowardice is a much more shameful offense than the over use of hyphens. In some countries, they chop off limbs for this transgression.

Do you have any idea who you are dealing with here on the Scallion blog comment section?

Tom Turkolio, who's not only running for mayor, is probably the strongest man in America, and also one of the angriest.

Is fear why you hide your true identity?

Or could it be sheer laziness?

Either way, I wholeheartedly invite you to join in this on-line discourse. I have no doubt that you will be given the most brutal verbal thrashing of your life, and based on my analysis of your weak character, you will be forced to swallow your pride and most likely find solace reading and answering the inane questions of bloggers on Yahoo!

The Scallion community will be highly amused. So, I urge you, continue!



KennyQuinn does breakfast said...

Baloney No.8's responses to comments is at least 50% of the reason I always read the comments! You may be a great rooftop crime analyst, you're definitely a talented artist, but to me you are a greatly talented and witty Scallion commenter!

sweden said...

I agree with Kenny Q.

Audrey said...

Dear KennyQuinn does breakfast,

You guys just made my day.
Thanks for the shout-out!

And thanks to Sweden too. ;)

Stay tuned, as a new 'advice column' will be up next week sometime. I can't guarantee that my responses will be pure, but I can assure you they will be ridiculous!

Love to all,
Audrey Baloney