Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Marina Bay promises more diseased whores this summer, less extensive beer selection

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a joint effort between all douchebag bars in the area, Marina Bay has just announced it's plans to do away with over half of their already minimal beer selection in an effort to incorporate up to thirteen new flavors of Smirnoff Ice, the premium malt beverage known for attracting the lascivious underbelly of the female population.

It is this change that Marina Bay hopes will bring in more disease-infected whores, which, in turn, will bring in more money for the taking. From fake tans, to bleached hair, to the hilarious ruptured-cesarean-scar-and-belly-shirt combo, whores will now be able to walk the boardwalk with a plethora of malted flavors at their fingertips.

Tim Johnbone, a North Quincy resident who is currently filing a one-man class action lawsuit against the makers of the motion picture Congo, regularly frequents this supposedly high-end section of Quincy, and has little doubt of the success that the Marina’s new direction will bring.

“It’s a really great idea,” remarked Johnbone. “I come here on the weekends to unwind after a hard week's work. When I'm here, I’m looking for trashbag girls like a bear's looking for honey. There was way too many ‘dude beers’ in these clubs, but now that they're throwing thirteen new flavors of 'Smutty Ice' into these joints, girls are going to be passed out all over the parking lot. A guy like me can really clean up in a situation like this.”

Marina Bay will celebrate their inclusion of the new Smirnoff Ice collection this weekend at the genital wart capital of the world, Water Works. The festivities will include a wet t-shirt contest, several ice luges, a heated game of Twister that no amount of beers could possibly make you feel comfortable participating in, and live performances by unemployed rap legend, Neal Diamondz.

"Yeah, it should be a good time," commented Diamondz, as he casually distracted a group of underage girls by throwing a single 30mg Percocet on the ground. "You thought there was a shitload of whores here before, fuck that, wait until this shit goes down. I'm gonna have whores fucking dripping off me by the time this shit is through. Everyone should come down for this though, it's gonna be a blast. I'm gonna be doing some Misfits covers on the acoustic, and then, after that, I'll bust out some of my token wigga shit. There's a fine line between a punk and a thug, and I am that line. You can quote me on that."

Shortly after the announcement of these plans, a tornado warning was released for Western Massachusetts, causing many people to wonder if the tornado would slowly work it's way east, revealing itself to be God's way of finally ridding the world of the disgusting cesspool of UGG® boots and mini-skirts that has so wrongly been posing as a boating community for so long.


sweden said...

Mr.Wilder,I just love these views. I wish more of the public had access to your writing,it makes you think.

Anonymous said...

Oh I couldn't agree with Sweden more. Mr. Wilder........You are a genious of words. One doesn't even have to go to the places in which you have described to know exactly what it is like being there. All I can say is thanks for the heads up! I'll stick to the Pony Room where what you see is what you get!

Anonymous said...

Anonypmus, yor a jerk

Rich said...

Obviously stole their business model from the fine city of New Bedford.

3F1L4ZDN0M41D said...

Yeah Right!!!!!
Like I'd waste a 30 like that!!
Hard D*kc & Bubblegum, That's all it takes!

Steven said...

I know I'll be lurking in the parking lot shadows this summer. Thanks Marina!