Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Mayor Koch finally admits to disliking women

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch, the uneducated, vertically challenged “man-boy” in charge of Quincy and its $227 million dollar annual budget, inadvertently revealed yesterday in a press conference that he has very little tolerance for women.

The press conference, which was held in the basement level of the former Grossman’s to discuss Quincy’s long running cold war with Braintree, took place yesterday afternoon, and reportedly cost the city over a thousand dollars in pizza delivery fees, most of which was devoured by Koch almost instantly.

Among those who attended the conference were mayoral candidate Tom Turkolio and Lynn Seagreen, the Murphy’s bartender who was hired by the city to train pit bulls to fight to the death in “blood sports” for the upcoming August Moon Festival.

It was at this press conference that Mayor Koch allegedly told Nicole Abruzappa, a self-proclaimed mother of ten, to “sit down and speak when spoken to,” causing a brief moment of laughter among spectators, followed by a delayed sense of disbelief and uncertainty that was so thick, you could cut it with a fucking knife.

In an exclusive one-on-one interview, Tom Turkolio told the Scallion his side of the events. “It’s time,” Turkolio said. “Time to set the record straight. Mayor Koch is a misogynistic, misanthropic, unintelligent bastard, and has no credibility as a mayor. He doesn’t even have a college degree. What other industry that you know of would allow a man with no college education to run an organization with a multimillion-dollar budget? Seriously, think about that. That dude is a disgusting maggot. He had an entire piece of pizza in his mouth throughout the whole press conference, and he actually thought he was pulling it off without anybody noticing. It was fucking gross. He just kept chewing on it in between sentences and lightly muttering shit like, "This is so good," and "God, I love pizza." Do you want somebody like that in office, or do you want somebody like me? I crawled up forty stories the other day just to get a bumblebee away from an American flag. That's where my priorities are---where are his? Mayor Koch is going down in this next election, you can count on that much. I’ve taken on losers like him in my past, and I can tell you right now that I walk the walk, and my path will be his last.”

Tom Turkolio, forty stories high, saving an American flag from a mischievous bumblebee.

A written apology was sent out shortly after the press conference by odd job extraordinaire, Joe Schlopp, in which the mayor blamed a “poor choice of words” for the confusion caused by his remarks to Abruzappa.

This apology was rendered somewhat meaningless only hours after it was released, however, as Mayor Koch emerged from the Presidential Pub, reeking of vodka and pineapple juice, and began running his mouth, yet again. “A lot of people say that women are catty,” the mayor commented. “Personally, I think they’re more like dogs. You tell a woman to do something, she does it. Cats almost never listen. But there are a lot of great things that women can do, too, as strange as that sounds. Most of them can type up to three times faster than the average man. That’s over thirty words per minute, for those of you who don’t know. And some of them are excellent at other things, like ironing, for example. Without the help of women, I wouldn’t be able to rock my khakis with a cuff and a crease. And don’t even get me started on blowjobs. Whatever woman invented those things clearly had no idea how often we were going to want them. And their work in hosting fetuses in the womb is unparalleled. Without women, the world as we know it would cease to exist. But that doesn’t necessarily make them equal, does it? The world would cease to exist without rain, but that doesn’t mean it’s as important as the sun, right? Let’s be realistic here. It's not that I hate women, I just dislike them.”

When asked what college Tom Turkolio graduated from, he merely stated “the school of hard knocks,” leading many to believe that he was evading the question altogether. There is still no word as to why he keeps strategically incorporating Madball lyrics into his quotes, nor has there been any confirmation as to whether, or not, he realizes he is doing it.


sweden said...

I really believe it was a man that invented the blow job, probably a gay man. On a different note, Brophy better step it up, Turkolio's sounding pretty good here.

Beak Wilder said...

Why is it that "Turkolio's sounding pretty good here" just seems to be flying out of the mouths of women all over this city? Seriously is it just me?

lizabeth said...

"I crawled up forty stories the other day just to get a bumblebee away from an American flag."

Holy Shit. amazing

Tacky said...

Turkolio's getting my vote.

dink said...

fuck bees, Turkolio's got my vote!

Tacky said...

You don't live in Quincy. Beat it.

dink said...

it's true, i'm not from quincy.

mr. beak wilder, can you chime in on this? can i vote or can i not vote? what are the rules and obligations to vote?

shut up tacky.

dink said...

I was just informed from Mr. Beak Wilder that I am allowed to vote because I'm an honorary Quincy. I, however, am not allowed to tell you, Tacky, to "shove it".

sweden said...

I think if someone from Abington can run there is a question of who can vote??

Beak Wilder said...

For the record, Tacky, I did also inform her that you were a made man.

Tacky said...

Good. Bitch better recognize.