Thursday, July 23, 2009

Recent study shows most Quincy residents are linked by late-night hookups

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study conducted by scientists shows that most Quincy residents can be linked by late-night hookups in only six moves, or less, using a formula similar to the "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" trivia game which became a pop culture phenomenon, in which players must link any actor, or actress, to Kevin Bacon.

The study, which was funded as part of Mayor Thomas Koch's all-new "Weird Science" program, was conducted in the basement level of the former Flagship Cinema, and featured live music by Dana & The Teen Sensations.

Residents from all areas of Quincy were invited to join the festivities and watch the scientists come to conclusions through the use of intense thinking, vigorous research, and ice cold beer.

"I had never really thought of this until now," claimed Binnie Badabooch, a fine young specimen from the Quincy Point area. "It really made me think. I remember I was hooking up with this piece of shit from Grafton Street a while back. She was a real weird chick, listened to a lot of that alternative music, shit like that. She was the kind of girl that used to cry after sex, but I'm the kind of guy that cries during, so it all worked out in the end, in a really awkward way, at least. Three weeks after I started banging that whore, I find her at some party hooking up with this Jimmy Gruppapo kid. That kid's face was all up in places I had literally just been---seriously---like three minutes before. Me and that kid are linked in only two moves. He might as well be my fucking cousin."

By using subjects from each area of the city, scientists were able to prove the long-running theory that all Quincy kids are “socially ridiculous.”

Bartender Bernie Allen, spending most of the evening pouring vicious shots of his signature drink, “The Granite City Nailbomb,” seemed unconcerned with the findings. “Look, I just get paid to pour drinks. Every now and then, Koch’s people show up here and start experimenting on people. Last week it was some shit about a complicated series of levers and pulleys, enabling a man to successfully drink beer before liquor, now it’s this shit. I don’t care if these idiots keep hooking up with each others' ex-girlfriends; all I know is that everyone in this place is getting unconstitutionally drunk.”

After a brief intermission, in which almost all attendees of the function were unable to locate their significant others, the festivities resumed with what was intended to be an epic speech by Cambridge native, Ben Affleck, who was immediately booed off stage on the grounds of being “more boring than fucking someone who hasn’t already fucked one of your friends.”

"That dude is the most boring guy in the world,” alleged Matt Turnpike, a rising superstar in the Adams Shore rollerblading scene. “What a fucking goon.”

Others who attended seemed unaffected by Affleck’s brief presence, deciding to reflect on the larger issue at hand. “It was just a really interesting evening, to be honest,” said “Crusty” Jim Farmington, a low-level box inspector from Hough’s Neck. “It’s just really fun to try to figure out who’s been where, and in how many moves you can connect each other. I remember this one girl I was seeing a ways back---this real frumpy bitch from G-Town---and that girl had some fucking mileage on her, to say the fucking least. You know what I'm sayin'. She was good sport though. I fucking loved that girl. All over her fucking face, that is. She ended up switching teams and started fucking some North Quincy kid, though, which was fine by me. You wanna go fuck a dude from the 02171, go ahead. How long can you seriously keep fucking the same person? Seriously, dude, not that long, you know? After that North Quincy kid, my boy, Droopa, started banging her. Me and that muthafucka are linked in three moves. What a fucking disgusting city this is.”

The event was then brought to an immediate, unforeseen conclusion, as both Mayor Koch and his mysterious sidekick, Joe Schlopp, were taken out by stretcher, reportedly consuming over ten "Granite City Nailbombs" each, and over thirty beers, all in a period of less than two hours.

"If it wasn't for those nine slices he had, the mayor would be dead," claimed Matty Hammers, an astute scientist from Allston Rock City. "What a gross looking guy he is. You really don't have to be a scientist to determine that one. Nope. You could pretty much be a pornstar fluffer and still figure that one out."

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