Sunday, July 19, 2009

Quincy residents learn there is more to local music than just bagpipes and bullshit


Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

Quincy residents were graced on Friday night with one of the most highly anticipated bands in recent past, the newly formed supergroup, Tik Tok, consisting of area natives, Lucretia Lutts, Jaime Curbkick, Puerto Thority, and Patrick Crenshaw.

The show, which took place Friday night at the Beachcomber on Quincy Shore Drive, was the band's first public appearance, and has critics from all parts of the city praising what ended up becoming one of the most highly acclaimed live sets since the time Jimmy Flynn and a group of mediocre session musicians played Biohazard's "State of the World Address" in its entirety.

"They definitely put on a great show," said Neal Diamondz, a music critic from Hospital Hill. "She has an incredible, beautiful voice, which she compliments by playing the piano like a late nineteenth century composer. Truly amazing."


Jaime "The Scallion Stallion" Curbkick, being a ham for the camera, as usual.

Authorities responded to the Beachcomber shortly after Tik Tok's set began, as reports of what sounded like Mike Patton having a vigorous, public threesome with Tori Amos and Beth Gibbons began coming on almost immediately after they started.

"This was not what we expected at all," commented Officer John Steele, a hard-as-nails police officer with something to prove. "My fellow officers and I responded to a disturbance call, but, when we arrived at the scene, nobody looked disturbed. Everybody seemed to be having a great time, actually. I fired a warning shot in the air, just to make it official. Nobody even turned around. They were mesmerized. There was something so catchy and seductive about that music, I just couldn't help but to start dancing. It was so exciting. I was literally pitching a tent by the third song. I had to slap that thing around like it a group of blacks in Squantum. It just wouldn't go away. The music was that good."


Puerto "Saucy Biscuits" Thority, playing bass and shaking his money maker.

As Tik Tok's set continued, more and more influences became known through their music, all without any one of them becoming too prominent or noticable, paving way for some of the greatest and most innovative music Quincy has seen since the early days of Age Rings.

From Portishead, Tori Amos, Tom Waits, Mike Patton, and Fiona Apple, Tik Tok displayed elements of many amazing artists, all of which broke new ground within their respective genres. Using these influences, as well as their ability to utilize the impressive talent and energy of each member of the band, Tik Tok created their own mixture of hypnotic rock, danceable melodies, and baroque pop.

"That band was fucking awesome," shouted Nina Teal, an aspiring kickboxer from Wollaston. "This is the best time my husband has ever showed me since we've met, and he's taken me to the Fat Cat. Five times, actually. Every tax season, he and I blow our entire tax returns on macaroni and cheese and Golden Monkey ales. Those things fuck you up, especially when you have a shitload of them. The owner of that place is the most Quincy dude ever. I fucking love this city."


Patrick Crenshaw, a mercenary among drummers, giving the skins a brutal pounding.

In a seemingly unrelated event, the body of a murdered Quincy woman was found just hours after Tik Tok's groundbreaking set in a small group of weeds at the far end of the Beachcomber's parking lot. The victim has not yet been identified, as authorities have stated that all of her teeth were removed, and her fingerprints had been soaked to a state of extreme prunage in what appeared to be Clubman brand after shave, making it virtually impossible to go near the body without starting to gag.

"We're currently asking anyone with information on this brutal attack to please step forward," commented notorious diabetic cop, Nico Haylen, who has been assigned to head the investigation. "As of now, the only thing found at the crime scene was a John Adams-style powdered wig and an empty Great One cup from Dunkin' Donuts. No other information is known at this time. The victim is approximately 5'8", female, and in her early-to-mid-twenties. We are asking anyone who knows of any missing persons, suspicious happenings, or anything even remotely shady, to be please come forward, as this information could lead to the speedy arrest of this vicious killer. I may not be the best cop on the force, but I think you all know what's gonna happen to this guy if I find him. Any information that anyone has, no matter how small it may seen, I have to know. This is a career maker I have on my hands. I'm gonna need some help with it. Throw me a frickin' bone, okay?"

Check out the band for yourself: Tik Tok (MySpace)

3 comments:

Tik said...

we fuckin love you beakey.

lizabeth said...

Officer John Steele arrested me once and my brother like 6 times. He's like that cop thats also a robot. hah

Baloney No. 8 said...

It begins...