Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Jeff Brophy demands VIP cards for high-ranking Quincy socialites, promises change is coming


Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of T.J. Westminster

Jeff Brophy, the local mayoral candidate known for his ability to always stay out later than the moon, demanded VIP passes for certain elite residents of Quincy during an impromptu press conference outside McKay's Breakfast and Lunch on Franklin Street in South Quincy.

Brophy, a known Wheelhouse lover, claims that he was unable to be seated at the Wheelhouse for approximately fifteen minutes this afternoon, causing him to fly into a rampage, demanding better treatment for those who deserve it.

"I've been in eating at the Wheelhouse for years," Brophy shouted. "I'm Jeff fuckin' Brophy, people better recognize that shit. I don't need to be told that I can't eat my meal because some Quincy b-side is eatin' his stupid breakfast. I don't care about that dude, so get him outta that seat, settle the fuck down, and act accordingly."

The press conference, which consisted of Jeff Brophy tossing a full cup of coffee at McKay's, storming outside, and giving a surprisingly memorable speech on top of an old, beat up Boston Herald box, was rumored to be one of the most monumental moments in this election year's campaign. Those who were there for the unofficial meeting of minds included Matty Southside, a "let's do this" type of a guy from South Quincy, and Joe Schlopp, former assistant to the mayor's assistant.

"I like what this Brophy guy is saying," said Matty Southside, as he flaunted the stub of his missing finger into the face of all who walked by. "If you're a good dude, you're gonna get benefits. If you're a dickhead, you're gonna get bottom-of-the-piled, so fucking hard. So hard."

Among the demands in Brophy's list, or "The Kid's Demands," as he refers to it, are one free pair of Adidas shell toes per year, 25% discounts at the Wheelhouse Diner, Murphy's Twin Shamrocks, The Fat Cat, Irish Pub, The Varsity Club, and Napoli's Pizza, as well as "free Chinese bitches for every wicked cool dude."

The impromptu street-side politics included subjecting passersby to Brophy’s famous rhetorical verbalisms. When a middle aged local man, clearly of voting age and thus a prime target for the would-be mayor’s campaign, approached McKay’s for breakfast, he was hit with an immediate dose of polished bullshit.

“What are you eating, a fuckin’ Skybar?” exclaimed Brophy. “Those things are fuckin’ naaaaasty (sic), kid. Nobody’s chomped on one of them things since fuckin' Reagan was in office. C’mon, bucktooth, vote for me and I’ll have some human candy bars dropped off at your door.”

The unidentified man, refraining from making any official comment, simply turned away and was heard to mutter “what a dick” under his breath.

After making his demands and mayoral intentions known, Brophy was then taken back to his attic apartment, where the Quincy Scallion took part in an exclusive photo session, which, as expected, went horribly awry.


Jeff Brophy, moments before he slapped the living shit out of our cameraman.

"I didn't even mean to slap the shit out of that kid," claimed Brophy. "He just kept lookin' at me all weird and shit. I'm just tryin' to get the better residents of this city treated better than the ones that suck, that's all. I don't need some fuckin' loser lookin' at me all weird. Everybody in this city needs to just take a fuckin' breather, kid, and just sit down for a minute. If anybody out there is getting all torqued up for some reason, or has any plans of not voting for me, I suggest you just settle yourself down and start acting in a Meadley fashion."

T.J. Westminster, the Scallion's favorite cameraman, put forth for his immediate resignation shortly after leaving the Quincy Medical Center emergency room. He was discharged almost immediately with a prescription for 600mg Ibuprofen, a cherry flavored lollipop, and a handful of moist towelettes.

"This is obviously not a sane man," remarked Joe Schlopp, an "odd job guy" for Mayor Koch who happened to be walking by during Brophy's speech. "You can't just go around slapping people you don't like, and then giving special favoritism to those you do like. It's just not fair. That's not how a city's run."

When asked as to why he drives a city funded BMW M5, when all other city employees drive their own vehicles, Schlopp merely winked and began performing one of the most intense yo-yo tricks South Quincy had ever seen. It was an excellent distraction, to say the least.

Later this afternoon, a Mass Lottery Daily Race ticket was found at the Alumni Pub with what appears to be anti-Koch propaganda drawn on the back, leading many drunk locals to come to the conclusion that this was part of Jeff Brophy's new, highly aggressive viral marketing campaign.


The Mayor Koch drawing, depicting Koch as a burly beast-of-sorts, listening to his kickass Bose stereo system and thinking of pepperoni pizza, all while Quincy has it's head plungered into the fucking shit. CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE

At this point, there is no confirmation on whether, or not, Jeff Brophy did, in fact, make this drawing, however, the general thought around town is that there could be no other, although others have speculated that there is no way Brophy could have displayed such a great eye for detail while coming down from being so furious only hours before. More information on this will be made public as it is available.

7 comments:

sweden said...

Brophy's lost my vote. I'm a huge SkyBar fan. Also, I can't stand McKays'. I can't be elbow to elbow with strangers first thing in the morning, maybe at 2:00 AM but certainly not at breakfast.

MOBmfA said...

Brophy's still getting my vote, he'll fuck Quincy up with some truth.

Beak Wilder said...

If you can't handle the elbow-to-elbow atmosphere of McKay's, you'd absolutely HATE the Wheelhouse.

Both have a great breakfast, but they're both pretty cluttered, as well.

TomTurkolio said...

I actually perfer the Wheelhouse for it's "not so shoulder to shoulder" atmosphere. I'm dead serious about that statement too. I used to be an avid visitor of McKennas in Dorchester, but I stopped going because at the Wheelhouse you can get a whole booth.

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