Wednesday, July 29, 2009

E! Entertainment Television signs deal for new internet reality show about Quincy

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the City of Presidents

E! Entertainment Television, the direct broadcast satellite network known for it's imaginative, thought-provoking series, such as The Anna Nicole Show, Dr. 90210, and Living Lohan, has just signed a ten-episode deal for an all-new internet reality show, E! True Quincy Story.

The new show will revolve around Quincy and it's incredible ability to raise nothing but pure, concentrated groups of maggots and douchebags.

The season opener will begin Friday night at 8:00PM on the World Wide Web.

"This show is gonna be fuckin' nuts, kid," commented Matt Kayhawk, a real wild child from whatever street will have him. "It opens up with me and my boys trading our t-shirts for key bumps at some party. It's fuckin' hilarious. And there's this one dude in it, I fuckin' blast him so fuckin' hard, kid. It was fuckin' nuts! The dude was like, 'Are you lookin' at me, guy?' and I was like, 'Is this fuckin' guy bein' fuckin' dead fuckin' serious right now?' and everyone was like, 'Dude, he's bein' the most fuckin' dead serious right now,' and I just fuckin' blast the guy, right in the eye, and I'm like, 'Ding!!!' It's so fuckin' funny, kid, you gotta see it."

Other Quincy antics include late-night couch performances by Neal Diamondz, extremely profound, drunken speeches by Jeff Archaic, unnecessary coffee table destruction by Matty Hammers and Studly McJacobs, and awkwardly long scenes where objectionable creatures just eerily stare into the camera for time periods as long as seventeen minutes.

Paul McGranite and Dino Bland stare foolishly into the camera lens.

"Nobody is gonna watch this show," claimed Stina Bellcamp, a moderately respected veterinarian who grew up shockingly close to the Milton border. "Who would actually watch a show that was nothing but a bunch of scenes from random people's lives? It's not like these people were famous before the show came out. That I could understand. These people are nobody to the outside world. You'd have to be a pretty boring and miserable person to just sit around and actually get into the lives of these absolute randoms. Get a life."

Squantum's Elizabeth Longfur appears in the 2nd episode: Butterbump Biscuit Bitch

Several parents in Quincy have already filed complaints against E! Entertainment Television, claiming some scenes in the series are too dangerous for children to see.

"There would be no way to really prevent children from seeing this," said Joe Schlopp, the city hall employee who seems to be in charge of handling just about everything. "You can block the website itself, but you don't know what video streaming sites it's going to end up on after that. If it's out there, kids will find it. These children grew up around computers, where we, the adults of Quincy, still find them to be magical, confusing, and downright insane."

As of now, there is already one scene the network company has agreed not to air, as it allegedly contains footage of Don Brendanhue, a compression adjuster for local music producer, Jaime Curbkick, spiraling out of control and going on one of the biggest rampages ever seen since Bally Midway's Rampage. This segment reportedly contains footage of Brendanhue smashing a window at O'Brien's Pub in Allston, stealing a souped-up Ford Mustang, and facefucking every person on his ride back home to Quincy with his fist.

The only non-censored screenshot in the entire twenty-three minutes of footage.

Whether the ratings will allow for another season of the show, nobody knows, but the fact that Quincy is finally being recognized is more than enough for most residents, as it clearly shows that we have grown as a city. The times of being remembered for two presidents, a plethora of rich, valuable granite, the soothing surf rock sounds of Dick Dale, and the fresh brewed coffee of Dunkin' Donuts are now over. We are maggots in Quincy, and that is how we shall be remembered. So when you're thirty-seven years old and still drink Miller High Life, or when you're "accidentally" fucking your best friend's boyfriend for the third time, or if you just have a huge fucking case of "Quincy Face," you'll know that you are a giant part of what we have created here. We are future text books in the making, you fucking absolute pieces of shit. Take your pants off, throw them in somebody's face, and dance around like a fucking dick. I don't give a fuck what you do, but make it so fucking Quincy that it feels like the Freedom Park structure is crammed up your ass, but you love every minute of it, because you know that, later in the day, you're gonna be able to say that, when you shit, you shit Quincy. There's a weekend coming up, go make history. Make me proud.

Author's Note: As Brunk Edwards will be in Los Angeles for a few days, and I will be moving back to the 02169 zip code, the Quincy Scallion will be suffering a three, or four, day state of stagnancy. We hope that you do not forget about us, as we will never forget you. Seriously though, don't leave us, we're two wicked lonely dudes.


KennyQuinn does breakfast said...

"Quincy Face"? I thought there was only Weymouth Face!
Congrats on the apartment! (to the 2 people moving) KennyQuinn can't wait to visit!
And H.B. Beak Wilder!

sweden said...

Fun article! Makes me remember my fun young days in Quincy...Good luck at the new zip, make us proud.

sweden said...

P.S. I just figured out what H.B. was for so H.B from me too!!

Beak Wilder said...

Thanks Kenny, Quinn, and Sweden!

Anonymous said...

Roof top amalyist? More like basement analrapist!

sweden said...

f*** off anonymous---

Baloney No. 8 said...

Basement anal rapist, huh? Nice one Anonymous. Your genius has impressed me so much, I almost fell off my chair.

You are an imbecile and a malcontent. I don't doubt for a moment that you are sitting at home eating fruit roll-ups and watching re-runs of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' on a Saturday night. I don't even want to SEE what you're like on a Tuesday.

You should tell your therapist to up your medication, as it's entirely evident that your extreme social inadequacies and issues with self esteem have left you incapable of communicating effectively.

Furthermore, may I ask you what I would use to anally rape someone with? My invisible penis? And for the record, I am a rooftop crime ANALYST. I don't "amalyist roof tops".

JESUS CHRIST. Please go get some sort of education, and mental help.

Thanks Sweden - keep it real sweetheart...

- No.8

Baloney No. 8 said...

Dear wonderful readers,

As most of you have heard, I will be writing an advice column, beginning sometime this week.

If you are so inclined and need some advice on a certain issue, or just want to relay an interesting story, please send me an email!! (

Spread the word (and my email) to anyone and everyone.

I am so looking forward to giving my two cents!

Thank you so much!

Anonymous said...

Please write about your sure to be harrowing experiences in the 02169 zipcode (that part of the city is scary!).. Also, I'm about to type "titruff" into the word verification box below.. Just thought you should know that..

sweden said...

Seems to me things must be very quiet in 02169--

Anonymous said...

Seems to me sweden is an absolute douche

sweden said...

Sweden is not a douche-if you knew anything about her you wouldn't say that. Life is not easy and is goes by quickly- sometimes you can't help what you feel. Having a release like the scallion helps-I understand being anonymous- but don't criticize when you yourself obviously have some hidden agenda. Life and love are the hardest things to understand. So once again FUCK OFF or at least pick a name so I Know I'm getting picked on by the same person.

Beak Wilder said...

Give 'em hell, Sweden!
Baloney and I gotcha back!!!