Thursday, August 6, 2009

Mayor Koch admits to participating in "funny games" to block Quincy Scallion

Article by Beak Wilder (Brunk Edwards coming soon!) / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch, the overgrown freak-child in charge of caring for our city, made a press release today in regards to the growing concern over his connection to the lack of Quincy Scallion articles in the past few days.

The press conference, which took place on the roof of the formerly abandoned Brewer's Corner Pharmacy, was attended to by distinguished guests from all over the city, and was rumored to be one of the most annoyingly anticipated events since the time Mayor James Sheets admitted to running over a raccoon back in 1971, and then wearing it as a wig for the remainder of his life in an awkward attempt at pretending that nobody noticed.

"I'll admit," the mayor admitted. "I do not like the way that the Quincy Scallion portrays me. They have portrayed me as a man who has nothing more than a high school diploma. They have made me seem like I am overweight, and in some circles, considered to be morbidly obese. They have made me out to be a fool, and one who only came into power because of the fact that a large portion of this city is filled with sheep, and they would follow almost anyone into the horizon, as long as they are promised something completely ridiculous. They have looked me directly in the eyes, and they have challenged my leadership."

The mayor then took a short break, in which he was overheard screaming to himself, followed by smashing hard, but not necessarily very heavy, objects together.

"Did I play funny games?" the mayor continued. "Of course I did. What else was I supposed to do, sit around and let these two punks tell the truth?"

The mayor was then asked an assortment of questions, all of which were easily understood by residents, however, insanely frightening to the mayor, causing him to black out begin convulsing violently.

"That man doesn't handle pressure too well," said Audrey Baloney, Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst. "I was watching him from a rooftop, it was glorious. He has these pudgy, little cheeks that you just wanna grab and start squeezing. I could have squeezed those things for days. They don't stay too cute for too long, though. Those big, bulging cheeks just start to fill up with red, and that's when you know that his entire mouth is filled with six, possibly seven, slices of pizza, and you just start getting grossed out. It's just nasty, and it happens all the time, and I don't even understand why I'm supposed to pretend it's normal. I can't believe that guy is our mayor. Seriously!"

Mayor Koch has yet to make any comment on how exactly he was able to block the Quincy Scallion from posting for the past few days, nor would he admit to any knowledge of why a rooftop criminal analyst would be watching him.

"Mayor Koch, he up to no good," claimed Pedro Maintencino, a sly motherfucker from the slick side of town. "All he do is play the funny games, it's not fair. He up to no good. All he do, he eat the pizza, all day long. He's a bad man. A crazy man."

There is no word yet on exactly where Pedro Maintencino was going with that, nor has there been any confirmation on what exactly it is that makes Mr. Maintencino so slippery smooth, although it is rumored to be a creative blend of physical strength, charisma, and foreign mystique.

Author's Note: Thank you all for being patient during our lapse of updating. I hope you all understand, and we look forward to you sticking around. Without readers like you, we'd just be a couple of dickheads. Please feel free to email Audrey Baloney at for any advice needs, as her abilities to problem solve and instruct will be readily available to all those who require her services.


sweden said...

Damn that Mayor, my mornings weren't the same without the Scallion. Welcome back.

andrea said...

at last! i've missed you.

dink lightning said...

welcome back!

Anonymous said...

Thank the good Lord up in Heaven on High for not leaving me in my time of need. I almost started to read the Ledger again with my morning coffee. Glad you haven't abandoned us!!!!