Monday, August 10, 2009

Are people in this city being fucking serious?


Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

Bearde's Mobil Station on Route 3A, known mainly for being run by an overbearingly grumpy guy who charges way more than any other gas station in the city, took the English language head-on today with it's daring new take on spelling very basic words, as each used vehicle on the lot was painted with poorly spelled warning signs to the homeless.

The handwritten signs, one of which reads, "No Trespass Will Be Arested," have city residents laughing their asses off, wondering just how many days of school you have to miss in order to actually spell a word like "arrested" wrong multiple times.

The gas station, which is also known for it's long list of shady and aesthetically displeasing employees, such as Stevie "Crazy Bones" McKenzie, Carlton Duquette, and Robert "Work Release Bob" Repuccio, had no comment on the situation, and has yet to make any attempt at correcting the mistakes.



Yet another car at the gas station with the very same spelling error on it.

"I didn't know what to say," claimed Henry Pleski, a twelve-year veteran of the business. "Everybody was just looking at me this morning like somebody had died. That's when I saw that the boss had written all these angry warnings all over the used cars. And he wasn't all that great at spelling, either, that's for sure. What could I say, though? I didn't write it, it wasn't my fault. That's when Ray Finlick tossed a clock at my workstation. I had to shut the door real quick, and it just kinda bounced off the door and crashed into the front windshield of some lady's Toyota Corolla."

It was at this point that those who had congregated around the gas station began to riot, each of them determined to get to the bottom of the situation.

"Shit got pretty heavy, pretty quick," said Don Dalton, an Adams Shore resident known for constantly being in the most insane place at the most insane time. "Ray Finlick took a diesel fuel pump nozzle to the right eye. Jennifer Drumples, who works at the first Dunkies, just kinda jammed that thing in there, it was nasty. What a horrible way to go."

There have been no reports back on why the handwritten signs were spelled incorrectly, nor does anyone know how a gas station that is literally next to the police station could possibly misspell "arrested."



Another vehicle that was fucking misspelled on, this time with what appears to be a second party pointing out the hilarious error.

"It's a shame about Ray," said Jimmy Flynn, a straight up hardcore motherfucker from Wollaston Beach. "That chick who got him didn't last too long, either. Jennifer Drumples was a tough chick, but she really wasn't that tough. Nothing proved that more than when Chambers McGrath stuck a window squeegee half way down her throat and just started tearing her apart from the inside out. That was about all she wrote for that bitch."

"They found pieces of Jennifer's body," added Silent Mike K., who absolutely fucking refused to comment any further on any subject at all, including the fact that he had an American Hairless Terrier with him, who was dressed in the exact same outfit.

No further information is known about this story, as authorities were able to quickly subdue the melee with the promise of "free apple pie" to anyone who went immediately home, causing spectators and rioters to dart aimlessly into the streets, each of them secretly hoping they were heading in the right direction.

1 comment:

3F1L4ZDN0M41D said...

This is awesome. I hate that guy and his gas stations..I saw Slim working there one time, you know the pirate guy from the train station known for rocking an eye patch.