Thursday, August 27, 2009

Quincy Marriot Hotel closes indefinitely after bizzare triple-overbooking fiasco

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Quincy Marriott Hotel was shut down by officials indefinitely last night for exceeding its guest capacity due to a wild party in the function room resulting from a bizarre overbooking by management.

The Marriott, long known as the premier accommodation for guests of the city, was warned repeatedly by fire safety officers to shut down the activities taking place in its Grand Ballroom on the fifth floor.

Distinguished guests attending a party at the Quincy Marriott's Grand Ballroom.

Speaking with staff at the front desk, it was revealed that the cause of the overbooking was due to a glitch in the Microsoft Works Calendar program, which the Marriott is legally bound to use after the Quincy Marriott v. Microsoft Works Calendar court case of 1995.

Three separate parties had placed reservations for the hotel's facilities on the night of August 26th. These include a farewell party for James Bananas, the owner and sole proprietor of The Bird’s Nest sports apparel shop on Hancock Street. Bananas was sentenced to twenty years in prison after a patron in his store reported that he was selling actual, licensed Starter® jackets, instead of the stolen knock-offs this city has come to love.

Also booked was a reunion for workers of the original Howard Johnson’s restaurant, which was located on Beale Street, in the area of the current Wollaston MBTA station’s south parking lot exit. It is not yet clear how the workers of the turn-of-the-century establishment remain alive, although it is assumed that a steady diet of diner food has preserved their bodies in a state somewhat resembling wax sculptures.

And finally, the wrap-up party for the cast and crew of Hollywood’s live-action movie version of Castlevania was to be held in the function room. The film, which is based partly on the beloved 1980s Nintendo game, which pitted players against Dracula and his batshit crazy antics, and partly based on the life of Jim Davis, creator of the Garfield comics, was filmed in Quincy Center over the last two months. The film's set explained to many confused residents why the Quincy Center church and Quincy Center graveyard were reconstructed to look like 17th century Translyvania, but does not explain why horrifying screams and spooky sound effects have been blaring through the downtown area’s public address speakers for the past two years.

Wang Wheelbarrow, a North Quincy local and crew member for the film expressed his frustration of the event. "This movie was a long shoot. We were all looking forward to a relaxing wrap-up party where we could blow off some steam. I mean, it took us four weeks to film a twenty-minute scene where Jim Davis confronts Dracula outside the graveyard. We would spend hours setting up the scene, only to have a train pull up to Quincy Center and a bunch of asshole kids run off and skateboard right through the shot. And there was at least three occasions where cracked-out homeless people would eat the bats we trained to rest on the tombstones. We had those things on loan from Fin, Fur & Feather, and they cost us a fortune. Eventually we just had to spray-paint a bunch of pigeons black. Man, this movie is going to be awful. Anyways, when we get to the hotel, there were literally hundreds upon hundreds of the weirdest looking bastards I’ve ever seen running around. What a mess."

Zach Brown, a man who has seen the movie National Treasure: Book of Secrets twice before he saw the first National Treasure, described his take on things. "I was there to wish James Bananas the best of luck in jail. He sold me a San Jose Sharks Starter jacket back in the day that had an ounce of pure, uncut moondust in the front pocket. The best part was, I didn’t even go to this store, and I didn’t even know the guy. He just showed up to my house at 3:00AM and sold me the jacket for twenty dollars. It’s too bad about the party, though, I’m really sick and tired of the Quincy Marriott’s shenanigans."

Zach Brown, telling a passerby to "go suck it" for no apparent reason.

Although the unplanned mix of three separate parties started off pleasantly, things took an awkward turn after mere moments. Unable to agree on background music, DJ Fork was forced to play an almost unlistenable mash-up of Schoolly D’s "Dedication to all B-Boys" and the Cockney Rejects' "East End Skins."

A podium set up for speeches was then drunkenly ransacked by twenty different members of the audience simultaneously. The result was a Phil Spector-esque wall of sound that at once thanked the cast of a vampire movie, condemned the Quincy Police Department, and praised sausage-delivering waitresses from the 1900’s.

Jeffrey Tambor, star of television’s Arrested Development and the actor cast as “Young Jim Davis,” was arrested following allegations that he smashed a soap dispenser in the men’s room. This was chalked up to rage resulting from either a zipper being stuck on a Notre Dame jacket he had purchased sixteen years ago from The Bird’s Nest or bad service he received at Howard Johnson’s over a century ago.

Quincy Police officer Nico Haylen, a diabetic who puts his pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us, was wanted for questioning after the bullet-riddled bodies of four midgets were discovered in a coat-check outside the function room. The pint sized corpses were later revealed to be a short order cook from Howard Johnson’s, a living mannequin for children’s jackets from The Bird’s Nest, and two actors from the Castlevania movie who played the role of Garfield before and after he ate a plate of lasagna covered in the disemboweled entrails of his owner Jim.

Officer Haylen's official 2009 Quincy Police Department photo.

While patrons of the hotel were escorted out of the building, many remained optimistic that the party would continue elsewhere. Rutger Hauer, the only person at the party with ties to all three separate groups, invited the remaining partygoers to his Quincy Shore Drive home. “Everyone except for that Kenny Powers looking weirdo who works at the gas station next to the Alumni is invited. That guy just creeps me the hell out.”

1 comment:

Baloney No. 8 said...

Oh that Officer Nico Haylen... He's the hottest diabetic I've ever seen.