Saturday, August 29, 2009

Mayor Koch devastates four large pizzas in unnecessary act of showmanship, officially declares himself "The Lion of City Hall"


Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch shocked a crowd of onlookers yesterday afternoon at a peaceful Grand Reopening party at the Marriott Hotel in Crown Colony Park, devouring four large pepperoni pizzas in under five minutes, followed by forcefully grabbing the microphone from local musician Jacia Hearn and declaring himself “The Lion of City Hall.”

The mayor, who had reportedly been “legless” after only a single white wine spritzer, was later carried out of the function hall by local paramedic Don Schwab.

”He just kept raising his pudgy, little hand in victory,” claimed Schwab, a thirteen-year veteran of Deals on Wheels, a discount paramedic service that was last in the news after a botched CPR attempt caved in the chest of Alf Nelson, an elderly man who once claimed to have once gone to “third base” with Ingrid Bergman. “He just kept ranting and raving about winning some pizza eating contest. Honestly, I don’t even think there was a pizza eating contest. It’s actually pretty sad. The only thing that guy really won was a fair price on a trip to the ER, but that’s about it.”

“Have you no mercy?” bellowed Timothy “Black Hole Son” Bananas, son of James Bananas, and future heir of The Bird’s Nest sports apparel shop. “My father’s going away party was shut down by the Quincy Police Department just for being overcrowded, but the mayor can get drunk and do whatever he wants? That just doesn’t sound fair. While my father is rotting away in Bridgewater for the next twenty years, the mayor of this city is piling pizza in his face and getting drunk off white wine spritzers. This city is seriously fucked up.”


The only three pizza boxes that could be salvaged, as the fourth had been devoured whole.

The younger Bananas then advanced on the mayor’s campaign staff in a spicy display of hysterical vengeance-seeking and ignorant karate chop exhibitionism. He was shot repeatedly on site by lone-wolf police officer Nico Haylen, a diabetic who once unconsciously recited the entire script to the movie Kickboxer after eating a single strawberry flavored Starburst candy.

As the crowd gasped in horror, silence filled the room. This stillness was then immediately shattered by the inhumane laughter of Mayor Koch, who fell out of the back of an ambulance after spontaneously remembering a Jerky Boys skit he heard fifteen years ago.

”I am the lion,” exclaimed Koch, as he stumbled to his feet, ripping off his shirt to expose a crudely drawn lion on his chest. “Hear me roar!”


Artist's depiction of the poorly drawn lion "tattoo," which appeared to be done in Sharpie.

The mayor then collapsed to the ground and began projectile-vomiting entire slices of pizza, only to be shoved back into the ambulance by the annoyed and irate crowd.

Schwab, who remained in the driver’s seat during this spectacle, kicked back and allowed the others to do his job for him. Trying his hardest not to laugh, he then peeled out at lightning speed in the direction of Crown Colony Drive, momentarily losing control of the vehicle and nearly colliding with an old Toyota Corolla with a smashed clock on it. All in all, it was a pretty normal day in Quincy.

4 comments:

Lil' Biscuit said...

Where can I buy that Lion picture? I dig it.

Beak Wilder said...

The Quincy Scallion will be selling the Lion picture at a silent auction in Squantum on Friday night.

Anonymous said...

Is this article true about MR.KOCH?

Beak Wilder said...

Nothing on this blog is true.