Tuesday, August 18, 2009

City prepares for rebuilding process after 16th annual “Donnie’s Night” decimates over three hundred homes and businesses

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Over three hundred homes and businesses were burned to the ground last night in the 16h annual “Donnie’s Night,” the destructive night of intense rioting and celebration that occurs each year on August 17th.

Beginning in 1994, Donnie’s Night began as a way for city residents to celebrate the birthday of entertainment tycoon Donnie Wahlberg, and has since become known as one of the most notoriously violent and dangerous nights in the South Shore, often resulting in drunken fistfights, home invasions, looting, public fingering, and multiple cases of arson. Most notably was in the late-nineties, when Taso’s Pizza was burned to the ground by a gang of angry Wahlberg fans, causing many locals to be forced to find another favorite pizza place.

While City Hall claims the Quincy Police Department had been issued a warning about this early last week, giving them ample time to properly prepare for the impending chaos, many firsthand witnesses claim that authorities were overwhelmed by Wahlberg-crazed mobs rampaging through the streets.

Cops arriving on Beale Street were faced with the scene of a man known to locals only as “Joe Chaos,” repeatedly dousing himself with high-grade barbecue sauce and swinging a sand-filled wiffle ball bat at anyone crossing his path.

Reports of cars and trucks being driven into businesses with their stereos pumping New Kids on the Block tunes at full volume have been filtering into police headquarters from all corners of the city. And at least one instance of a full grown adult male being arrested for executing his neighbor with a pair of Reebok high-tops, using a devastating spinning dance move that was obviously learned from NKOTB music videos.

Quincy Police Department evidence photo of the immaculately clean Reebok high-top.

"My clients were merely expressing their complete dedication to one of the greatest musical performers of our time," claimed Sol Shrewdman, the attorney representing the entire city in the upcoming trial. "Donnie Wahlberg is an exciting young man, whose roots derive from an area not far from here. He was a trendsetter for those who reside in the South Shore. To deny my clients the right to celebrate his birthday---his 40th birthday, I might add---is to deny them their right to be treated as free men. These homes and business that were burned; they can be rebuilt. We, together as one, can make them better. But you cannot heal a wounded soul. I think I can safely say that I speak for the majority of this city when I say, 'Give me Donnie Wahlberg, or give me death.' And while the actions my clients may, or may not have, committed could be considered to be wrong---in certain circles, that is---their motivation was pure. I ask that you, the residents of Quincy, take a few moments to think about that, because that, ladies and gentlemen, is just the cold, hard facts."

Shrewdman himself was later asked to return to Quincy District Court to face charges of firing razor sharp copies of the vinyl soundtrack to The Sixth Sense out of his car window as he cruised down Hancock Street at speeds of up to 100 miles-per-hour. The box office smash hit starred Wahlberg as a mentally deranged former patient of the character played by co-star Bruce Willis. Audiences and critics alike were abuzz all summer long about his daring portrayal, mainly his shocking decision to kill himself in the very beginning of the film. The twist-beginning became the hallmark moment of the movie, with some sort of surprise ending also becoming somewhat memorable, but, as most Quincy residents left theatres after Donnie’s character died, they had not bothered to watch it.

Industrial strength fire hoses were used to clean off Wahlberg-related graffiti from local businesses in the Montclair area. Shamrocks with “08/17/2009 – NEVAH 4-GET” scrawled inside them were spotted on walls up and down West Squantum Street, and were later power-washed off by mildly competent city workers.

Two residents of Farrington Street in Wollaston were apprehended by the Quincy branch of the Federal Bureau of Investigation for allegedly running a sophisticated money laundering scam tied into the madness. Joseph Hip-Zepi and Bev “Marmaduke” Murphy duped tens of residents of their street into investing in birthday cards for Wahlberg from the local CVS. The money was then filtered into some sort of hair-brained combination of a pyramid scheme, a ponzi scheme, and a thus far unheard-of “dream scheme,” in which the cash was ripped up and duct-taped back together.

“It didn’t quite work out that well,” murmured Murphy, as he was led away in handcuffs. “Nobody on either end made any money, plus Zepi and I both lost at least thirty bucks at Copy Cop drafting up the blueprints to this scam. I think we also dropped at least fifty bill each, beforehand at the Irish Pub, back when we were coming up with the whole thing, which, in hindsight, is probably why it didn’t work.”

It wasn't until Donnie Wahlberg himself took it to the streets that locals began to settle the fuck down and go home, causing a much-needed sigh of relief to fill the city, coincidentally sounding almost like one of Donnie's sighs in "Step By Step," which, in turned, caused the entire city to begin rioting again.

"That's when things started to spice up a bit," remarked Jeff Archaic, a man who once carelessly spent his entire tax return before realizing what it was. "Donnie put on a police badge and whipped out a handgun. It was awesome. Nobody even did anything, not even the cops. It was like they just accepted what was happening, almost like they just knew that he was in charge now, and there was nothing anybody could ever do to stop it. Eve
rybody just watched him in awe. He was brilliant. He just moved from person to person, smashing people's teeth in with the butt of his gun. I would have given anything to watch something that funny, but, there it was, right there before me, and I didn't even have to pay shit. That side of it worked out really well for me, with the whole tax return fiasco, and whatnot."

Donnie Wahlberg, running rampant with his fake badge and real gun.

It is u
nknown at this time as to where Donnie Wahlberg has fled to, although it is speculated that he has returned to a secret area where legends are born, and, quite possibly, reborn. Authorities have asked all Quincy residents who may come into contact with Wahlberg to "please do whatever he says," as not only does he have a loyal legion of fans, but he, himself, was arrested and charged with first class arson back in 1991, when he was accused of starting a hotel fire with a Mototov cocktail. Look it up, douchebags. I'm just sayin'.

As the final total in damages and lost wages are added up, outside help was brought in to begin preparations for the rebuilding process. Mayor Koch’s office has again decided to team up with “Fat” Matt Amorello and his fly-by-night team of wacky sidekicks to get shit officially straightened out.

“It’s no secret that things got out of hand and we need a little extra help here,” announced former assistant to the mayor’s assistant Joe Schlopp, who woke up this morning hungover to a find his own back littered with New Kids on the Block tattoos. “We got a good price from Mr. Amorello’s company and we are very pleased with the work he has done in past---uhh---barring that one time when that tunnel collapsed and killed someone.”

Amorello did not answer calls to his office, as he was busy constructing a cheeseburger at Mr. Sub's, but his business accomplice, Phillip Seymour Mothman, agreed with statements from Schlopp and added, “All things must come to an end. Especially privately owned property. Quincy will rebuild itself, just like after last year’s Donnie’s Night, and this city will become a beacon of hope for the Western world….the saga continues.”


Anonymous said...

Donnie fuckin' RULES!!

Beak Wilder said...

I love how A&E had him narrate that Intervention special about heroin and OxyContin addiction in the South Shore.

Dan said...

I can't read those captions for the life of me.

sweden said...

I have to say,not a fan. I miss Tasos Pizza much more than Wahlberg.

Beak Wilder said...

Are you serious, Sweden. That NKOTB bad boy practically raised me!