Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Eastern Nazarene College faces intense scrutiny in wake of aggressive marketing campaign and allegations of suspicious activities

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Eastern Nazarene College is under investigation today after multiple complaints of nepotism, discrimination, and faulty business practices have been made by both concerned citizens of the neighborhood and Quincy College.

Opening its doors in 1900, using the former summer home of Josiah Quincy Jr. as its main residential campus, the liberal arts college has long since been the subject of outside critique and suspicion.

Complaints were filed with the Better Business Bureau of Quincy yesterday morning by lawyers representing dozens of residents of the city. Charges against the college thus far include mass harassment, blackmail, racketeering, intimidation, tax evasion, illegal usurping of property, and one count of “loitering” filed by a man who claimed the college itself has not moved from its ominous place of rest in years. That charge was subsequently thrown out by a judge only moments after it was presented.

The names of those filing against the college have been withheld at the request of their legal counsel, as the school is currently facing one thousand counts of alleged witness intimidation.

The bright facade of Eastern Nazarene, long held as a beacon of learned Christian scholars dabbling freely in the world of reason, has seen cracks emerge in recent times. The aggressive marketing campaign for the fall 2009 classes, which has included door-to-door pamphletting at gunpoint, flaming Bunsen burners tied to crosses and placed on lawns to advertise the science department, and dropping upcoming class schedules from zeppelins circumnavigating the city, has raised concern and led some to refer to the college as the “Nazzi Regime."

The school’s headquarters, located in the depths of Wollaston, has also often been referred to as the “Eastern Front.”

"People need to realize that Eastern Nazarene College is the way to go," casually remarked Dr. Collosus Von Wolfenstein 3D, the college’s self-proclaimed "Minister of Propaganda."

Sipping blood-colored liquor wistfully from a human skull, Von Wolfenstein 3D went on. “All this talk of harassment and violence towards our opposition is really just idle chatter from those who probably scored too low on their MCAS tests, or whose facial features, which we measured, did not add up to an ideal student’s dimensions, leaving them unable to qualify for the supreme learning experience that our school offers. It’s all just jealously, and those who look past the smoke and mirrors of these outrageous lies will see that our fall 2009 schedule is absolutely our best yet.”

"Our science department is working towards a new energy source that will make the hydrogen bomb look like a child’s toy,” Von Wolfenstein 3D added. “Our culinary arts department is constructing a barbecue sauce more bowel-shaking than the highest caliber anthrax available in West Quincy. And, I might add, our ‘Germ Warfare and Go-Green!’ recycling program is coming along very nicely. Very nicely indeed.”

The minister then ended his rebuttal to the allegations by fiendishly cackling for ten solid minutes before adding that “further questions will be answered later. A new episode of Two and a Half Men is on, and I must retreat to my underground lair, where a fifty-inch, high-definition, 1080p flat-screen television is awaiting me.”

One of the most awkward accusations against the school is their alleged ban on all beverages containing juice.

Students protesting juice in the lesser-known financial district of the ENC campus.

"We don’t see the need to allow juice on the premises," remarked Ada F. Hilter. Eastern Nazarene’s Führer of Decision-Making and author of The Life and Times of an S.S. Leader: An In-Depth Look at Being Employed in the South Shore. “We are a private school, therefore all those who are under our control are subject to our final judgment. It is the strong opinion of the leadership and alumni of this school that we must prohibit all juice from entering the building. The Nazzis have fought too hard, and have gone too far, to allow the juice to infect the minds of the superior and the elite. The inferior makings of today’s juice is not something our students need to be bothered with, as our students are designed to be the purest of the pure."

Protests against the school’s policies have begun to erupt at all times while classes are being held, most frequently in the vicinity of the Concentration Campus, an area where students and faculty are allowed to relax and study in total fucking silence.

While the college remains privately owned, and thus retains its ability to govern itself, Quincy’s educational guidelines must still be met.

Chief Constable Marlboro Churchslope, a thirty-year veteran of the city’s Board of Education, recently crippled by a self-induced “ninety-day bar-hopping bender,” has repeatedly asked that sterner action be taken against Eastern Nazarene.

"By God, they are at it again," grumbled Churchslope. “I have reason to believe that Eastern Nazarene College is about to renege on their signed promise from 1997 to not invade Quincy College’s campus and put up flyers for their upcoming fall courses. They have rented out thousands of square feet of space from Granite Self-Storage in Wollaston, which was revealed to contain sixty armored golf carts packed to the brim with promotional posters for the MBTA. By land, air, sea, and train station, they have plans to ‘blitz-werbung,’ or ‘lightning-advertise’ all over Quincy College’s domain. They have little-to-no intent of avoiding using the most obnoxious looking people on their posters, either. I mean, seriously, there is no way in hell those clowns on the ads are actually from Quincy. No way, buddy.”

Churchslope, between inhuman gulps of bathtub gin and long bouts of creepily leering at women on the street, went on to suspect the school of other immoral behavior. “They say there is an unmarked grave behind the gymnasium. There they say rests at least six million charred remains of Quincy College pamphlets that were stolen out of the people of this city’s mailboxes. These people will stop at nothing. These goddamn Nazzi bastards just won't quit.”

“They killed my family!” screamed Radish Weirdbusky, who later went on to clarify that his family had been sent a “pre-rejection” letter from the school for not being able to trace their bloodlines back at least five generations to Quincy residents. “Without a higher education like the one Eastern Nazarene offers, my children will be forced to attend classes at Quincy College, and there is a very dangerous intersection at Newport Avenue there that will most likely kill them---uhhh---eventually. I probably should have made that clearer when I yelled out at you.”

Using a megaphone to address a crowd of perfectly aligned freshman standing in the formation of a majestic eagle on the front campus lawn, Maximillian “2 Kool 4 Skool” Thule, the recently appointed head of the Third Psych department, which the college is hoping will last for at least “a thousand semesters,” directed a speech intended to calm any nerves rattled by recent events.

“Eastern Nazarene College, like Lucifer himself, is simply the victim of a heartless smear campaign,” Thule said. “We both want to shed light and knowledge, and we both suffer from our desire to branch out on our own. Is it our fault we offer biology classes where the students are allowed to dissect animals without the restrictions of anesthesia? Is it our fault that we show repeated viewings of the movie Highlander to teach the proper way to behead immortals? And I ask you this, kind people: is it our fault that we have made a pact with the Japanese and Italian restaurants of North Quincy in order to secure fine dining for our cafeteria? No, it is not our fault. It is all because of the J.E.W. That’s right, the jealous, envious workers of Quincy College, who will stop at nothing to ensure that we do not succeed. But we shall succeed. Eastern Nazarene will dominate the world…of higher education.”

Eastern Nazarene student, Karl Blondenblüe, preparing himself for his morning classes.

No further information could be obtained on the subject, as three students were removed from the speech, as they were caught singing “Der Neue Kampf,” the popular German version of the little-known KILL$QUAD song. As per policy, the students were immediately taken out into the hall and verbally reprimanded for approximately one hour, making it one of the largest scale “hall accosts” the college has dished out since the time Eva Bronsky fell asleep on her nightly watch, allowing several Quincy College students to storm the beaches of Wollaston and claim Caddy Park as their own.


Matty Hammers said...

Is it just me or does that Karl Blondenblüe kid look like Gouthro?

Matty Hammers said...

Also... suspcious as hell:


Matty Hammers said...

or rather... suspicious.

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