Thursday, August 20, 2009

Hideous picture of mayor surfaces on World Wide Web, causing brief terror, permanent disgust


Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Koch has yet again proven himself to be a mentally retarded apeman who has absolutely no idea how to convince the city of Quincy that he is anything even remotely close to being considered human.

A general feeling of disgust erupted in Quincy after a most unfortunate moment in the mayor's life was captured in the thumbnail link to a recent tax discussion he held. Footage of this tax discussion has since become available for streaming on YouTube, the popular video sharing website that rose to fame after the "beak wilder man points" search resulted in one of the most crippling discoveries a Quincy kid has ever had to deal with since the time over a thousand Queen Latifah photos were found on Officer Nico Haylen's personal laptop.

"Why would anybody ever post a thumbnail like that on their website?" commented Stefanie "Nails" Tinotaran, the self-proclaimed "Gloria Nathan of Quincy," last in the news for using her influences in the riot grrrl scene to commandeer Tully's Cafe one night for a raging bachelorette party. "I wouldn't even post a picture of myself like that if I was just some conceited idiot who wrote one of those internet blogs. He looks like a fucking primate in that picture. I've seen hardened prisoners that looked better than that, even after thirty days in the hole. His hair's messed up, his sleeves are rolled up, his tie is coming apart, and his face looks like he's sucking on a Sour Patch Kid with a broomstick up his ass. And what the fuck is a virtual coffee hour, anyway? Seriously! What a fucking dipshit."

Other residents in the area were just as displeased, some of them resorting to immediately cancelling their already shitty Comcast internet service, which only further angered them, as it reminded them of the fact that Mayor Koch is merely one of many obstacles this city faces in its attempts to have Verizon FiOS made available in our area. [ Sign the fucking petition, I guess. Rock the vote! ]


Mayor Koch, securing the Asian vote by posing with some type of geisha.

Upon hearing of the city's complaints, Mayor Koch's office immediately advised him to take a trip to North Quincy and spend some quality time with his Asian constituents, as they believed it was most likely that those who were internet savvy enough to find his website would more than likely be Chinese.

"The Asian people are rich in their culture," remarked political fall guy Joe Schlopp. "And they're very good with the internet. And they make these amazing little things with ground pork and vegetables, and they wrap it up with this ravioli, and they call them "Peking dumplings," it's hilarious. We had some of the brightest minds in the city looking into this, and we determined that the Asians were approximately 98% of our online readers. If the people of this city were online and had a problem of some sort with the mayor's snapshot, it was most likely them. That's when we knew we had to start showing face and securing some votes."

After offending, and sometimes permanently scarring, dozens of Korean, Thai, and Japanese residents by constantly referring to them as "Chinese," the mayor then ordered a large Asian style banquet to be held at the Irish Pub on Billings Road, payed for exclusively by the taxpayers. It was a banquet that ended almost immediately, however, as Mayor Koch was asked to leave shortly after standing on his chair while an uncooked duck was brought past him, as he began pointing and screaming, "Ugh!!! Ugh!!! Look at that thing!!!"

There is no word yet on if Mayor Koch will ever fucking "get it," although experts have speculated that this may never fucking happen. Until then, cross your fingers and just be thankful that he's not in charge of how fat your pockets get. Or is he?

See for Yourself: Koch for Quincy (Official Campaign Site)

4 comments:

sweden said...

Hey-Handsome and now famous. I voted that you would be in the Ledger, I believe you are destined for great things. Congratulations on being acknowledged. Sweden

Anonymous said...

Beakey-I saw you in the Ledger! I have to say I still miss you. Hope you're doing well and that I see you around. Linda D.

Baloney No. 8 said...

DEAR EVERYONE,

Please go to the nearest store that sells the Patriot Ledger and pick up this weekend's edition.

Beak Wilder is ALL up in the Ledger's world right now, and all up in Quincy.

CONGRATULATIONS to Beakey and Brunk!

Stay tuned people, this news source is about to blow up!

Love,
Baloney

Anonymous said...

It's about time! Beakey is destined for great success. Or infamy.