Thursday, August 13, 2009

Search party for missing prostitute turns into great day for wiffle ball game

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A search party for missing hooker Wanda De La Santos unexpectedly turned into an all-day affair today, as residents of Quincy celebrated the acceptable-to-mediocre weather with a series of competitive wiffle ball games, grilled hot dogs, cold beer, and live musical performances.

De La Santos, who has been missing for nearly a month, and is expected to be in no less than eight pieces by now, was well-known by area locals, and had dreams of one day becoming a highly regarded rooftop criminal analyst.

"She was definitely unique," claimed Sandy Pants, a Quincy Point resident and founder of Cool Connection, Inc., an online service that rents out popular people, socialites, and "life of the party" types. "There must be about four divorces going on right now because of Wanda. She wasn't the best looking lady, but, from what I hear, she knew how to treat a man. I really hope she's okay, though. Chances are she's probably burned to a crisp at this point, but who knows. Her hamstrings were really defined. She might have been a fighter, it's hard to tell. I didn't really know her that well. Either way, I hope she's just on some crazy heroin binge, or something."

Nearly a half-hour into the search, authorities and locals had still found no clues as to De La Santos' whereabouts, causing many people to wonder if anything would be found at all.

Taking a quick break at Merrymount Field, members of the search party then organized a heated game of wiffle ball, in which all who tried their hardest were the winners, regardless of the score.

The intense wiffle ball game, which was followed by the even more intense party.

"I sprained my finger in the bottom of the third," said Elizabeth Longfur, a Squantum resident known for greeting politicians with knives. "That's when I knew we'd have to crack a few beers. It's not really a wiffle ball game until you get a few cold ones in ya. They just kinda go hand-in-hand."

As the wiffle ball game grew closer to an end, residents began wheeling other people's grills and coolers over, preparing for what ended up being one of the better outdoor parties of the summer.

From foot-long hot dogs, to handmade burger patties, to barbecued chicken wings, spectators prepared some of the finest summer dishes around, while those who lack culinary knowledge picked up cold, refreshing beers.

"It was a good day," remarked Neal Diamondz, a local rap legend from Hospital Hill. "I got a few foot-longs up in me and just kicked back and watched the game, it was great. I got some beers up in me, found a few fine-ass girlies, and went swimming in that new fountain they have here. There's nothing quite like kicking it in a fountain on a nice summer day, with a Red Stripe in one hand, a blunt in the other, and a girl on each side. And the cops were mad cool about it, too. Usually, those dudes all up in my shit---just because I have a little bit of gold and a pager---but they just kinda let everybody kick back and enjoy the day. They knew it was for a good cause, and they just sorta backed off because of that. Even if it was just this once, I really appreciate it. It was really cool of them."

Live music was then performed, as city residents were graced with the melodic barroom sounds of Bryan McPherson, the angst-ridden folk punk artist known for local hits, such as "100 Cigarettes," "Poor Boy," and "Bang."

Bryan McPherson, playing for the crowd of fearless searchers.

"That mothefucker can sing," said Donnie Wahlberg, the former New Kids on the Block member who is currently playing second fiddle to his younger brother. "He's got the right stuff, that much is for sure. I just found it weird that all the leaves fell off the trees as soon as he started singing. Those leaves were hangin' tough before that guy showed up, I don't know what happened. That was some really weird shit."

Six hours into what was starting to look like a very poorly arranged search, De La Santos' whereabouts was still unknown, as attentions in the crowd seemed to become fixated on dancing, dining, and general tomfoolery. There is no word yet on whether De La Santos is still alive, although it is expected that she has either been hacked into pieces, turned into firewood, or is floating around somewhere in the bottom of Wollaston Beach. Citizens are encouraged to contact authorities if there has been any known sightings of this beloved neighborhood prostitute, although they are even more encouraged to take a dip in the brand new water fountain at Merrymount Park, which has been chemically treated in a valiant effort to make swimming around in it seem slightly less disgusting.

No link between De La Santos' disappearance and the Great One Killer has been established at this time, however, experts insist that the likelyhood is there. Authorities have asked anyone with information on her disappearance, or, more importantly, the murder of those who were not call girls, to please contact them as soon as possible. This, of course, does not apply on weekdays between the hours of 6:00PM and 8:00PM, as police will most likely be engrossed in the Hallmark Channel's mini-marathon of The Golden Girls, the hilarious sitcom about America's favorite post-menopausal whores, and the men who fuck them. More on this developing story will be made available as it becomes known.

Listen: Bryan McPherson (Official Website)


Anonymous said...

I was wondering why there were no hookers out last night.

sweden said...

I think Wanda wrote that question to Audrey then went in search of someone to fulfill her dream and he got carried away and did her in.

Matty Hammers said...

I was under the impression that Bryan McPherson was best known for banging his friends' ex-girlfriends.

Anonymous said...

WOAH WOAH WOAH, Back the f*** up. Why wasnt I informed of this wiffle ball game??? Music. Furlong. A missing prostitute, and not to mention wiffle ball!!! Man I would of been all over that! Next time hit a brah up duuude.

Baloney No. 8 said...

Dear Anonymous poster #2:

Are you serious? How the hell is anyone supposed to "hit you up" if they don't know who you are?

The only thing anyone can deduce from your message is that you enjoy wiffle ball and music (who doesn't?), and you are close with Liz Furlong. It's also possible that you enjoy surfing/skating based on your 'California-esque' vernacular, and your use of a long, drawn out, "duuude".

ANYWAY, please email if you'd enjoy reading my two cents on any subject. If, by chance you are nervous about revealing who you really are and prefer not to send me a message from your personal email account, please know that I will never, ever reveal your true identity. I realize that while I insist on anonymous posters identifying themselves in the comment section, I can assure you that I would never reveal your true identity in the advice column. And you have my solemn word on that.

If you don't trust my word, try creating a free email account through yahoo, hotmail, gmail, etc.

Thanks to all, and keep reading!

From the rooftops,
Baloney No. 8

Anonymous said...

Im glad people get my humour! Now as for your advice column, which I do applaud. ( clap, clap )I don't know if I really feel like going through the hassle of creating an anonymous email just for advice. Why not just go to a doctor?? Or a shrink? Also do you swear that YOU indeed are the only one who reads these emails? Or are we to assume that this Beakwilder kid is also reading the emails that are being written to your advice column? Also, are you in a relationship? If so are we to believe that you would not giggle about said emails with a loved one? One long night when you two are pondering of what became of your day. So, there we have hypothetically three people that could be in on the origin of these emails. Knowing who wrote what and what they wrote. Also, I would like to note I don't actually know Liz Furlong but do know the name. Peace out braaaaaaah!


Baloney No. 8 said...

Attention readers: you might want to grab a beverage and/or a snack - this is going to be long one.

(That's what HE said... Haha!!)

Dear Anonymous (or "anonymoous" as you like to sign),

Thank you for your compliment on the advice column. I'm grateful for your clapping as well.

With regards to your comment about it being preferable to visit a doctor as opposed to going through the "hassle" of creating an email account, I really don't understand what kind of a point you are trying to make. It takes all of 3 to 5 minutes to sign up for an email account and you barely have to move the entire time. Going to the doctor requires at least 50 times the effort. First, you must make an appointment, then wait. Not to mention, you must (most of the time) take time off of work. Unless of course, you are unemployed, but either way, one still must make considerable time out of their day to visit the doctor. This includes the time it takes to bathe, dress, commute, check in, sit in the waiting room, etc. I should hope you get the idea by now. Furthermore, I might add that all of this costs money. My advice is free of charge, and I don't discriminate against those who don't have health insurance.

So, let's not even discuss this issue any further, because it's abundantly clear at this point that my retort blows yours right out of the water.

I would like to ask you, did you perhaps attend school in the British Isles? Or Australia? You spelled the word 'humor' with a 'u', which is correct, but not generally recognized as US English, but rather British English.

But I digress...

With regard to my word, yes, I do swear that I will not reveal your name to anyone, and that includes Mr. Beak Wilder, the staff and interns at the Scallion, and also our stakeholders and investors.

If you must know, I am indeed in a relationship, but he's a big time politician who really can't be bothered with such trivial things such as 'who wants to pee on who'. The stories I reveal, names I do not.

Anonymoous, you are free to do as you please, so don't set up an email account if you don't want to. Visit the doctor every week if need be. Continue to make strange, easily-proven-wrong arguments on the internet... I don't care.

I did, however, enjoy responding to your ridiculousness. And based on the tone of your comment, I suspect I know you. Is this so?

Oh, the internet, what a wonderful, wild, web of mystery for all!

Happy blogging to all, and to all a good weekend.

Still on the rooftops,

lizabeth said...

Who is this anonymous? And why doesnt he know me?

Baloney No. 8 said...

Hey Liz,

I believe there are a number of Anonymous characters on here.

What's good to hear, is that this particular Anonymous knows of you, which means you are a popular lady. You have friends you don't even know! Although I use the term "friend" loosely here. This guy seems to be pretty ridiculous, and actually thinks Beak Wilder should call him up to invite him to wild events. What a presumptuous little fellow! In my experience, "friends" such as these can become very bothersome with all of their inane demands on your time.

Regardless, being famous in Quincy is the first step on the path to greatness. Just look at the US! This is where it all began.

Quincy Massachusetts: Where Legends are Born!

- Baloney

Beak Wilder said...

You guys really got something going on in this little comments section here, don'tcha?

sweden said...

I love what I can learn from you guys. Never knew the british humour thing. Guess it might be considered a little sad that when you come home on a Friday night you get all excited because there are 10 comments on a Scallion article. Maybe I need to talk to Audrey. I am very impressed.

Anonymous said... rock!!!!! Never reveal your true identity......this not knowing who you are is almost like not knowing who I am and it really makes one think......just how many anonymouses are there anyway. It will keep Baloney on her toes. I was a little miffed that I wasn't invited to the whiffle ball game too. Cheer up, you;re not alone and please what ever you do people.........have yourself a nice weekend.
Peace Out!

Anonymous said...

Some guy just peed on me.

slow pussy said...

"there's nothing quite like kicking it in a fountain on a hot summer day." I blew snot all over my face when I read that.

Anonymous said...

oh i have heard that about bryan too...