Friday, August 7, 2009

Resident claims six-car hit-and-run was personal protest to return original font street sign

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

Wonkers Villanova, 43, of Lunt Street, has denied claims that excess amounts of drugs and alcohol contributed to his six-car hit-and-run accident Thursday night, instead choosing to tell arresting officers that the chaos was the result of his “one man campaign to bring back the original font of the Lunt Street sign.”

Villanova, who has thirty-two prior DUI offenses, as well as a slew of other convictions, claims that living on the only Quincy street to use cursive letters in its sign has driven him to the brink of insanity.

“I just wanna be treated like everyone else,” claimed Villanova, as he washed away the terrors of a night in jail with a frosty pint of Guinness. “I’m sick and tired of people making fun of me because of my cursive street sign. I just want a normal street again, like it was back in the day. Who cares if kids kept changing the ‘L’ to a ‘C,’ it was hilarious!”

Charges being brought forth against Mr. Villanova include operating under the influence, reckless endangerment, leaving the scene of an accident, property damage in excess of $5,000, and gunning empties all over his neighbors’ lawns.

The cursive lettered street sign has long been a point of confusion for commuters, with GPS systems and most area residents simply being unable to comprehend letters that swoop and connect to each other.

“Friggin’ retarded,” remarked Nerf O’Doul, 38, a long time Lunt Street apartment renter and the only Quincy resident to be injured in the Falkland Island’s war. “Why don’t they just write that shit in Microsoft Wing-Dings while they’re at it? You can’t read that. Nobody can. It’s ridiculous. Cursive is a dead language, buddy. A dead serious dead fucking language.”

When asked about the possible plans to change the sign back, Mayor Thomas Koch simply ignored the question as he helped himself to a heaping portion of Vermont cheddar cheese, followed by doing that weird thing where you kinda half-puke and swallow in the same disgusting movement.

A small group of drunken protestors then gathered together at the corner of Lunt Street and Billings Road, where they were soon subdued through the use of an experimental new Super Soaker™ that heats up water to a boiling two hundred degrees before firing.

Mr. Villanova then expressed a desire to hold some sort of neighborhood meeting this weekend with the intent to bombard City Hall with requests for a new street sign.

“This Saturday, starting 2:00PM in my backyard, we are going to get shit taken care of," voiced Villanova as Boston’s “More Than a Feeling” could be heard at ear splitting volumes from his car stereo. “Come one, come all. It’s going to be a political, grassroots kinda thing. BYOB though, cause I’m not legally allowed to buy beers after I rocked my pickup truck through the front of the Supreme Pantry last year. Make sure to bring your intense desire to see a real change in this city. Also, try and round up a few Newcastle kegs. They don’t even want us to rise up, but we’ll do it---you see me wreck all those cars? That’s cause I want to make a difference in this world. Oh, and bust out some of those red cups so we can drink in the street on the sly. And somebody start making some calls. I wanna do some fucking coke!”

Ironically, the subject of a change to the street sign’s original font was brought up multiple times during city hall meetings over the years, but as alcoholic beverages were not allowed, attendance was sparse.

Tarbox Jones, a welfare recipient who lives in Mr. Villanova’s tool shed then closed the discussion by repeatedly screaming “crazy, killah kegga ked!” into a bullhorn. This hilarious act was put to an end, however, when the body of a young girl was found by several neighborhood stoners on the roof of Sam's Variety

The body has yet to be identified, and like at least two other unsolved murders, had been removed of all teeth. Like before, the scattered remnants of a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup was also found in the general vicinity of the body. There was no powdered wig found this time, although police were only legally able to look at areas where the sun shines. Attentions were then immediately taken off the case, as residents began to notice a late-model Toyota Corolla with a smashed clock on its hood, causing authorities and residents to just stare and wonder why.


Hammers said...

Remember the Falklands, don't forget our dead.

sweden said...

What a logical reason to use cursive..