Sunday, August 9, 2009

Mayor Koch's top secret headquarters discovered hidden between stores in Norfolk Downs


Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Koch's top secret headquarters were discovered yesterday by Tatty Anna Farter, a local office clerk from Squantum who had been looking for a bottle of Sutter Home Pinot Grigio she threw at someone the night before after he gave her what was described as "the crazy eyes."

"That dude was such a creep," Farter explained. "I was heading home from Murphy's, and decided to go up the Downs to avoid that stupid fucking traffic light on East Squantum. That's when I saw him. He was across the street from the Irish Pub, and he was carrying a Great One from Dunkies. I took one look at him and I could just tell he was insane. As soon as that fucker looked at me, I just tossed an entire bottle of Pinot Grigio at him and hit the gas. I wasn't about to stick around to see if it hit him. I was pretty much all set with that."

Farter claims to have found the mayor's secret hideout the following morning, as she scoured the area, searching for her bottle of deliciously aged wine.


"That's when I saw Koch's headquarters," she continued. "It was right there in the middle of a bunch of other stores, right where nobody would never look for it. He's a sneaky little bitch, that Mayor Koch, I'll give him that. But not quite as sneaky as me. I was peeking through the window for about ten minutes, just trying to get a sense of what goes on in that place. From what I could see, it was just a bunch of people eating pizza. There must have been twenty-five pizza boxes in there, it was crazy."

Mayor Koch denies all claims that his headquarters was being kept secret from the public, although suspicious minds tend to believe that he is downright lying.

"The mayor has nothing to hide," said Joe Schlopp, City Hall's top aid and three-time Presidential Pub "Most Chicken Wings in Ten Minutes" winner. "There is no facade here. So what if we were eating pizza? Everybody eats pizza. I don't even see what eating pizza has to do with anything. We're being accused of having a secret hideout, which was never actually kept hidden at all, and are being ridiculed for liking a delicious lunchtime meal. What you see is what you get with us. We don't carry on with any of that behind-the-scenes politcal garbage. If we want a headquarters, we just build one. And if we want pizza, the taxpayers buy it for us. We don't fake it, we just take it. I'm getting awfully tired of all these false accusations, and these overly-aggressive attacks the mayor has been having to deal with. He's just like everybody else. He's a good man. A decent man. A man who considers himself no better than his constituants."

This claim appears to be somewhat untrue, however, as it was recently disclosed that Mayor Koch used taxpayer funds to purchase a $50,000 pen, which reportedly plays an extremely low quality version Andrew W.K.'s "Party Hard," which was described by one City Hall employee as "weak, like clock radio speakers."


Former mayor Bill Phelan, telling somebody what time of day it is, proving he is just like everybody else by using a standard city-issued Paper Mate® pen.

There is no word yet on who the creepy man that Tatty Anna Farter threw the bottle of wine at was, although some have speculated that it may have been who authorities are now pegging as the "Great One Killer," the killer who is believed to have been involved in at least three recent murders in Quincy. This is so far the only lead police have obtained, as Officer Nico Haylen, the officer assigned to the case, was vacationing in Somerville for the past week and a half.

The suspect has been described as "regular size," "extremely creepy," and "definitely from Quincy." No further information is known at this time, but it is highly recommended to remain completely aware of your surroundings at all times, especially if you are an extremely smokin' Quincy chick.

7 comments:

george said...

Koke must have used those Chinese businessmen as a front for buying underground property for his lair. That's why the ramblin' souls were forced out of our moldy basement practice space a few years back. I don't like this one bit.

sweden said...

Farter should have known she'd never find that wine. There's people out there scouring the streets for such finds. I'm sure someone was very happy.Although I think I'd rather throw Pinot Grigio than drink it.

TomTurkolio said...

For awhile now I was considering setting up a meeting with Joe Shlopp to offer him employment, I liked the man, he had some fucking balls, talked big shit about me to the public. Anyone who pulls some shit like that I want on my team. But now he's quoting Madball?! There's only room for one asshole in this city to throw Madball quotes at the press! Now he just reminds me of some fucking faggot from Montclair or something.

Anonymous said...

Biig words from a small man, turkiolio. It's more like you're name shold be "assholio" you jerk. Suck a snow lepords ass!

TomTurkolio said...

Even bigger words from an anonymous "jerk" that is clearly from Montclair. Tell you what, if you present me a fucking snow leopard I will gladly suck it's ass!

sweden said...

At least anonymous is consistent with his ignorant writing and poor spelling, I can't even blame him for staying anonymous.

Baloney No. 8 said...

Dear Anonymous,

I really hope a crazed and beligerent gorilla escapes from the zoo and smashes your typing fingers with a meat mallet repeatedly.

I wish then for the gorilla to swing over to your mother's house and defile her lawn and front steps with his hot, steaming excrement.

Go back to losing at stick ball in Montclair, you repugnant, dim-witted sloth!

Good day to you!

-Baloney No.8