Monday, August 31, 2009

Mayoral mishap turns into all-night bender behind City Hall, further proving mayor's ridiculousness

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Local area man Jeff Archaic spent the tail end of his weekend nursing a hangover after a controversial beer drinking session in the backyard of City Hall, which shares its space with “Heroin Alley,” the even more controversial alleyway, in which heroin addicts throughout the city are allowed to spike their veins all day long in public without any fucking consequences.

Jeff Archaic was last in the news after Officer Nico Haylen responded to a disturbance call and found Archaic attempting to break into a window of his North Quincy home.

Thinking Archaic was an intruder on the property, Haylen immediately drew his gun and placed him under arrest, charging him with trespassing and attempted burglary.

After revealing that he had merely locked himself out of his own home, Archaic then accused Haylen of being “racist,” even though their family roots can both be traced back to the very same triple-decker residence in Galway, Ireland.

Mayor Thomas Koch was later heard publicly panning Haylen’s actions on WJDA 1300 AM, where dozens of listeners immediately called in to speak out on behalf of the notorious diabetic cop, defending his honor in what was starting to become one of the most highly publicized fiascoes Quincy has seen since residents of the city burned down over three hundred homes and businesses on Donnie Wahlberg’s birthday just two weeks ago today.

Mayor Koch, taking it easy with his sleeves rolled up, as usual.

”As usual, I have spoken too soon,” remarked Mayor Koch, as he desperately picked at a wedgie during a small press conference on Friday evening. “I heard a part of the story and replied in haste. For that, I apologize. I would like to take this opportunity to invite both Officer Haylen and Mr. Archaic to sit down with me and settle this by drinking twelve beers of their choosing, paid for by the taxpayers, of course. I, unlike so many others, can admit when I’m wrong. I apologize for acting as I did, as I should not have spoken out until I had gotten the full story. But I will take this chance to make things right, and I look forward to meeting both Haylen and Archaic.”

The three men met together on Saturday afternoon at City Hall, wearing semi-formal clothing, as was previously discussed per phone conversations with mayoral aide Joe Schlopp. Media outlets were allowed to attend, although this was limited to the Scally’s own Brunk Edwards and Jennifer Mann of The Patriot Ledger, who both reportedly snuck in their own beers, causing them to be forcefully removed only minutes after their arrival.

”This whole thing is a crock of shit,” claimed Matty Hammers, a local scientist whose biggest claim to fame is that he once beat the shit out of Maura Tierney. “You got some trigger-happy cop drinking Guinness, a guy who’s supposed to be running the city drinking Bud Light Limes---which is bad enough in itself---and then this Archaic kid drinking an entire twelve-pack of King Cobra forties. I don’t know what they were attempting to achieve here, but it’s not working. Three people got drunk. And one of them got really drunk. That’s about all there really is to say about this.”

Jeff Archaic, drinking a 40oz King Cobra in his best "semi-formal" outfit.
Photograph taken by John Galluzzo during a thirty-minute walk behind City Hall.

Authorities were dispatched to the back of City Hall approximately three hours into the meeting after a homeless heroin addict claimed to have seen “three fools breaking into the mayor’s office.” A handful of Quincy’s highest ranking police officers were sent out, where they found both Haylen and Archaic giving the mayor “ten fingers” in an attempt to sneak in through a small bathroom window, as the mayor had somehow lost his keys, thus continuing the cycle and giving even more city employees an excuse to drink excessively.

There is no word yet on when the upcoming beer drinking session, or “Beer Plummet,” as media sources have begun to label it, will occur, although it is expected that it will most likely be the largest scale political drinking fest this area has seen since the time Ronald Reagan got a beer at Dorchester’s Eire Pub.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If people keep locking themself out of thier homes these beer drinkings are going to go on forever. people are going to start locking themself ut on purpose!!!!