Sunday, August 23, 2009

Great One Killer strikes again, police sketch of suspect revealed to public to mixed reviews

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The body of another murdered female was found floating in Furnace Brook this morning by a well known and highly regarded homeless man behind the American Legion in Quincy Center.

The woman has yet to be identified, although shows definite signs of being related to at least three other murders that have taken place in this area since late July.

No names have been released as to the possible suspects of these crimes, however, a police sketch was made public earlier this afternoon, which was given by a near blind woman who claims she saw a man with “ridiculous intentions” walking by her Quincy Center apartment with a Great One cup in hand.

The vaguely familiar police sketch released earlier today.

“This bullshit has gone on too far,” said Officer Nico Haylen, the diabetic cop in charge of bringing the killer to justice. “I am going to smash this fucking guy’s teeth in, just like he’s done to these girls. I’m gonna find this guy, I’m gonna tie him to a radiator, and then I’m gonna shove my gun so far up his ass that it comes out his mouth. You can fucking quote me on that. This is bullshit!”

Officer Haylen then stormed away through the confused and alienated onlookers, stopping once to turn around and empty his clip in the air.

The city has been in a state of alert for weeks as authorities organize a plan to scour the streets and apprehend the killer. With the release of the sketch and additional police manpower being approved by City Hall, steps are being taken to ensure that the case is solved before any more ridiculous murders are perpetrated by the killer.

Bowing to pressure from residents of the city, Mayor Koch’s office has agreed to divert tax funds away from his plans to rent out an entire showing of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and into the search.

“Murders are terrible,” quipped Stacks Goodman, a mayoral aide whose duties include feeding Koch’s Chinese fighting fish, “taking the heat,” and speaking to reporters when Joe Schlopp is eating lunch. “A bunch of women get mangled and the whole gosh darn city is turned upside down. But I ask you this: is putting the Mayor’s hard-earned tax money towards this problem going to make it go away? No. And when the temperature reaches ninety degrees with seventy-to-eighty percent humidity, where is the mayor going to go to concentrate on real problems? His office? Sure, there are three industrial strength air conditioners in there, but it doesn’t have the relaxing feel of having an entire movie theatre all to yourself. Working in conjunction with AMC Theatres in Braintree, the mayor has secured at least one showing of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra all to himself for every single day that the weather is predicted to be over seventy-two degrees. Believe me, he’ll get shit done after watching that flick. I should know, my cousin is John Goodman. That’s right, the John Goodman. I spent the entire summer of 1991 watching him up on the big screen in King Ralph. After soaking in his gripping, lion-hearted performance as Ralph Hampton Gainesworth Jones, an everyday 'Joe Sixpack' who inherits the goddamn throne of England, I got right up and applied to my job here at the mayor of Quincy’s office. I didn’t even bother putting anything on my application, other than ‘John Goodman’s cousin.' And you know what happened? That’s right---eightteen years later I got that job.”

A citizen-filed complaint was issued against Mr. Goodman after he allegedly ended his statement by launching a cup of his own boiling hot urine all over the crowd.

Stacks Goodman, just after delivering the "Boiling Hot Urine Speech."

Andy Nonimous, age and address unknown, became irate by the lack of urine on female members in the audience.

With continuing efforts to locate the Great One Killer, all citizens of Quincy are being asked to phone in tips to police headquarters. This has become somewhat of an issue itself, as the officers in charge of handling the calls have been rated as having a “luke-warm” reception at best.

“I merely stated that perhaps they should try scanning security footage at local Dunkin' Donuts for suspicious persons,” remarked local old timer Alf Nelson. “They told me that was ‘too obvious’ and that I should 'fuck off' and die.”

Mr. Nelson later fulfilled the wishes of the Quincy Police Department by dropping dead of a heart attack in his home in West Quincy. The cause of death was most likely related to gruesome footage of the carcasses of the victims being shown inappropriately on Quincy’s cable access television. As such, Mr. Nelson’s death has officially been chalked up as another score for the Great One Killer.

Mr. Nelson’s funeral arrangements will be held at Lydon Funeral Home in Wollaston. It is expected that no one, as usual, will attend it.

As the body count rises and tensions flare, many are left to wonder what will happen next. Confusion, the dreaded side effect of a city in chaos, once again has reared it’s ugly head.

“This is no laughing matter!” hissed Count Vlad McDrackerson, a Transylvanian prince who rose to power over the centuries to become the chief financial officer and window display expert of Hobbytown on Hancock Street. “Hobbytown is having a sale this weekend! If you thought those prostitutes had it bad, wait till you see what we do to our prices! We are going to slash the shit out of them! At least forty percent off everything in the store! More hobbies means less time to murder. It’s a fact that will be learned the hard way.”

“Times are changing, for the worse,” added Doug Phree, the owner of the nearby Dollar Store. “You gotta keep a positive outlook, but growing up in such violent times, you need some faith if you are to get by. That’s why I’m selling these wooden crosses for only one dollar. I guarantee you will not get killed if you have one of these. I’ve had one for weeks and I’m still alive.”

It was unclear whether Mr. Phree’s claims will prove true, or if he was aware that he was blatantly paraphrasing lyrics from seminal New York hardcore band Madball.

Attempts to interview other business owners in the area were cut short by the police who wished to keep things under wraps until further leads come to light. Responding to questions being raised by concerned family members of the victims, Mr. Goodman simply put on a pair of hologram “googly eyes” glasses, cracked open a case of Miller High Life, and proceeded to get ridiculously fucking drunk.

1 comment:

slim said...

BW- Outrageous! Clever! Congrats to you too for making it into the Ledger. A little more blog traffic isn't a bad thing.