Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Local gas station admits to having "questionable intentions," promises "intense orgasms"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Hess gas station in North Quincy closed its doors today, giving way to a the Kum & Go gas station, which markets itself as a "one-stop shop for all of your fueling and sexual needs."

Offering everything from gasoline, diesel fuel, blowjobs, dildo machines, threesomes, and semi-synthetic motor oil, Kum & Go has raised many questions from residents of the neighborhood, some of them even claiming that allowing such self-indulgent behavior to take place will leave little room for control.

"Crude and indecent acts like this should only be allowed in places where it can be contained," remarked Dr. Hendricks Mathers, author of Sex Before Mariage?! and Open Heart Surgery 101: The Unauthorized Autobiography of Dr. Hendricks Mathers. "Places like this should only exist in Amesterdam and Las Vegas. But if it has to be in Quincy, at least make it Germantown.

Following the ribbon cutting ceremony, Mayor Thomas Koch announced an 8.9% "sex tax" on all sexual acts obtained at the new establishment, including, but not limited to, use of industrial strength sex machines, lubricants, fingering, fisting, fucking, face fucking, and/or tweaking of the nipples.

While residents showed obvious signs of opposing the sex tax, Mayor Koch dismissively waved at the crowd and suggested that they "settle down and just be happy about the fair price of the gas." This, along with the fact that City Hall aide, Joe Schlopp, had already been in the Kum & Go for over an hour, caused much of the crowd to angrily pile into the establishment and relieve their tensions in a most unsavory manner.

"That was the single most satisfying gas station trip I have ever had," said Bonnie Gumdroppe, an aspiring school teacher and stripper from Adams Shore. "I like my guys a little rough around the edges, you know what I'm saying? I told the manager there that I wanted a real gritty dude, and he brings out this West Quincy kid. The kid looked like he was banged up on at least three "eighties." He was a total mess. But he sure knew how to light my ass on fire, I'll tell you that much. He took me out back and fuckin' nailed that shit. That was some 'smack it, flip it, rub it down' type shit. He was smackin' my titties around like they were fuckin' Milton kids. And I haven't had an orgasm like that in years. It was explosive. Literally. The last time I felt something that good, I was looking upward at the bottom side of bleachers. Good times."

Bonnie Gumdroppe, "shaved, enraged, and ready to go."

The Kum & Go gas station will remain open pending further review from multiple concerned parties in the South Shore, and is available for all of your fueling and sexual needs, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. They are currently offering unleaded gasoline at a record-breaking dollar and fifty-five cents per gallon, and are offering fair and reasonable rates to even the strangest of requests, no matter how disturbing they may be.

"We only ask one question here," explained Tommy McDoggett, franchise owner of the North Quincy Kum & Go branch. "We ask 'How can I make you blast one today?' But that's it. We offer a good service, and we ain't goin' nowhere. It's worth the price we charge, no matter how much your mayor is taxing you. The gas is just to get you here. It's just a fuckin' illusion. Once you get here and see the bitches and dudes we got up in here, you won't be goin' nowhere quick. 'Come for the gas...stay for the ass,' as we say it. This shit's outta fuckin' control, kid!"

1 comment:

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