Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Local rap artist arrested after trying to prove you can spit on police station from McDonald's

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local rap artist was arrested earlier this evening after trying to prove that you can literally spit on the Quincy Police Department from across the street at McDonald's on 473 Southern Artery, Route 3A.

Neal Diamondz, the Hospital Hill resident known for the hit songs, "Sayin' She's My Lady" and "Fiyah Pon Di Blunt," was apprehended at approximately 4:30PM after making a bet with a "friend" that he could actually spit the entirety of the near-five-hundred-feet distance, hitting the police station in the process.

So far, no one interviewed has admitted to being friends with the notorious hip-hop legend, nor has anyone come forward stating that they had any involvement with the aforementioned bet.

"I don't even know that kid," said Donald Gibbs, a man who claims he was merely "eating a burger" at the fast food establishment. "All I know is that he saw a cop order some food, and then the guy radioed in to one of his friends at the station to pick him up---and he just lost it. He kept running around the restaurant and yelling, 'Who the fuck needs a ride from McDonald's to the police station?' Nobody was even paying attention to him. Everybody was just trying to relax and eat dinner. I'll admit, it's a pretty short walk to demand a ride, but it's no excuse to run outside and start spitting across a busy street. He didn't even make it anywhere near the police station, either. He just kept hitting people's windshields as they were driving by. That kid really caused a scene."

Diamondz, flaunting his carefree, "fuck the world" attitude on two separate occasions.

After six nearby collisions, and one ruthlessly insane car accident, police were dispatched to the local eatery, where they found an intoxicated Diamondz still attempting to reach the police station with his launching saliva.

"That kid was a fucking animal," remarked Jaime Curbkick, son of the famed move director, Stanley Curbkick, director of 2001: A Face Oddity, Liotta, and Full Members Only Jacket. "He just kept running up to the cops and yelling, 'Dude, you can fucking spit on that place from here. Are you fucking serious, dude?' I can honestly say that it was one of the most enjoyable dinners I have ever had at McDonald's, not that that's saying much. There was really no reason why that kid had to flip out to the extent that he did, but I guess that's just a part of what makes Quincy so hilarious."

Diamondz, performing an impressive diving trick while pool-hopping at a nearby neighbor's house.

No charges have been brought forth against the rap artist yet, as authorities are still in a heated debate with him over whether, or not, you can actually spit that far.

"Nobody can spit that far," claimed Officer Nico Haylen, Quincy's favorite, and only, diabetic cop, last in the news after accidentally firing his weapon six times at a North Quincy High School football game. "The farthest I've ever been able to spit is two hundred feet. And honestly, it took about a thousand tries. If this is the kind of behavior we can expect from hip-hop kids, we should just ban that entire musical genre right here and now. We don't need any of this Tupac-and-Biggie shit going down in Quincy, that's for sure. And we certainly don't need some little punk spitting across Southern Artery during rush hour traffic. I'm glad most of the cars were able to get out of the way---I honestly am---but whoever that poor guy in the Toyota Corolla was, my heart goes out to his family. Who would have thought that such a tiny car could make such a huge explosion? They'll never identify that body."

Neal Diamondz, circa 1985, working up a nice wad of spit for the unsuspecting cameraman.


The charred body of the driver of the early-nineties Toyota Corolla has been identified as Alf Nelson, a known "wrong place at the wrong time" type from Quincy. Alf is survived by his wife, Ida, as well as his four children, and nine grandchildren.

Arrangements for Mr. Nelson's service will be made at Lydon Funeral Home in Wollaston, although, as usual, it is expected that absolutely no one will attend.


3F1L4ZDN0M41D said...

can you come pick me up and drop me off 50ft away from where you picked me up at??

Baloney No. 8 said...

Where are you Sweden? WHERE ARE YOU?

Seriously, what the hell happened? Are you still reading the Scallion? Why do you no longer comment?

Everyone misses you!


Baloney No. 8 said...

Oh and I should also mention that I, Baloney, am a huge fan of Diamondz. His unique, suburban brand of vernacular has warmed my heart, and charmed the pants off me.

Of course, not literally. I use that adage loosely, however, his devil-may-care attitude, clever wit, mean rapping ability, and handsome face make him quite the commodity amongst the south shore female populace.

Diamondz are a girl's best friend indeed.

Good day to you!

sweden said...

I'm here Baloney, hit a little rough patch. If you've nothing good to say say nothing at all.

Beak Wilder said...

Good to see you're still here, Sweden.

If the Quincy Scallion can do anything to help you get over your rough patch, let us know.

~ Wilder-Edwards

3F1L4ZDN0M41D said...

Baloney offers advice, ya know

sweden said...

You guys are great. You do enough just writing. As we all know, it's all in our minds and it's just a matter of putting things in the right perspective. We are masters of our own destinies. Thanks for being there.Baloney--please let me know if my spelling is off-I'm o.k. with criticism.

george said...

I'm friends with diamondZ. And not afraid to admit it.

Anonymous said...

Beakey: Who is Sweden?


Beak Wilder said...

Sweden is our biggest fan. Sweden is a pillar of the community. Sweden is Quincy.