Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Passing of one-time New England Mafia underboss paves way for hilarious race for throne

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

With the passing of one-time New England Mafia underboss, Gennaro "Jerry" Angiulo, many gangs within the South Shore organized crime world have set forth in a race to take control of his criminal activities in Quincy, each of them claiming rightful occupancy to an empire that has been plagued with constant calamity and blundering mishaps since the early 1950s.

Angiulo died this past Saturday at Massachusetts General Hospital of renal failure due to a kidney disease. He was 90-years-old.

Part of the Providence-based Patriarca crime family, sometimes referred to as "The Office," the Boston faction of La Cosa Nostra has been overwhelmed with untimely deaths and lengthy prison sentences since the 1960s. Most notably, this is due to the fact that James "Whitey" Bulger, head of Boston’s Winter Hill Gang, had been a longtime FBI informant, using this power to manipulate scenarios in his favor, shifting the balance of power to the Irish gangs.

"You never rat to the feds---never---no matter what," said Silent Mike K., a man who once allegedly witnessed a Charlestown native beat another man over the head with a lead pipe for a record-breaking thirty-seven hours and refused to comment about it. "No further comments."

Silent Mike K. was later seen at Jenny’s Pizza in Charlestown, refusing to comment any further when asked if he would "like mayonnaise on his Italian sub."

An unhappy law enforcement official, holding up a shirt he confiscated from Silent Mike K.

One of the most prominent gangs in the area that has declared control of the South Shore’s underworld is the Spicy Boys, a gang of miscreants, led by Patrick "The Metronome" Crenshaw.

The Spicy Boys were last in the news after a failed attempt to use their influence in the Teamsters union to keep Dee Dee’s Lounge in Wollaston open for business.

The Spicy Boys, getting ready for an insane brawl on a Wollaston rooftop.

Clad in red sneakers and red t-shirts, the Spicy Boys have long been considered one of the most prominent gangs of Wollaston Center, basing their operations at Tony’s Pizza on Hancock Street.

"Any criminal activities in the South Shore should rightfully go to the Spicy Boys," claimed Crenshaw, who plays drums in his spare time with various rock acts throughout the area. "Everything south of Boston and north of Braintree is ours. Anybody who thinks otherwise is gonna get a fucking blast-beat to the head. I haven’t been eating shitty slices from Tony’s Pizza for the past ten years just so I could be told I can’t get what’s mine."

Patrick Crenshaw, plotting his next move while waiting for a slice at Tony's Pizza.

Another splinter group of the South Shore crime syndicate is the Super Happy Fun Gang, led by James "Jimmy the Destroyer" Flynn, who was last in the public eye after being indicted for running bootlegged Slapshot demos through abandoned MBTA subway tunnels in Boston.

Wearing out-of-fashion clothing with the logos of since-defunct brand names and sports teams, the Wollaston Beach-based Super Happy Fun Gang has always had a reputation for their love of irony. This can best be explained by the time when chief enforcer, R. Dick Bowski, tortured rival gang member, Joseph "The Minuteman" Grapucci, for exactly one minute.

"Patrick Crenshaw doesn’t know what he’s talking about," said Flynn. "All of Gennaro Angiulo’s interests south of Boston should go to us. The Super Happy Fun Gang has ties to Providence that the Spicy Boys could never even hope to achieve. My band used to play the Living Room in Providence Center all the time. We’re the ones who put the South Shore back on the map, and we’re the ones who are going to reap the benefits of that. Take my word for it. It’s happening today. You people always wanna run your mouth like it won’t come back to haunt you. Well, I’ll tell you this much: you give us lip, we give you pain. End of story."

Jimmy Flynn, proving his love for the Boston area by posing in front of a WBCN banner.

Last, but not least, on the list in the race for power in South Shore’s criminal underworld are the Roots Rock All-Stars, a group of Americana-style musicians and street thugs, led by the infamous "Gorgeous" George Camaro, a social misfit with nothing to lose.

Dressed in the drab clothing of a group of traveling troubadours, Camaro and his gang have been able to evade the attention of authorities for quite some time, making little attempt to be known in the public eye, often being confused for being normal, everyday people.

"Jimmy Flynn is a fucking dipshit," Camaro said. "If there’s any gang out there that deserves the right to run the South Shore, it’s the Roots Rock All-Stars. All these other gangs are just acting like they’re hard, but they don’t know what it’s like to run a criminal enterprise. The harder they come, the harder they fall. And anybody who opposes us can learn that the hard way."

George Camaro (far right), rocking people's socks off with the cold, hard blues.

"This is gonna be one of the bloodiest battles ever," predicted Mike Triangle, an all-around nice guy from the Mount Wollaston section of Quincy. "I've already seen three people get slapped over this. Right in the fucking face, too. I haven't seen anything this brutal since the time White Trash Rob from Blood for Blood hosted Wheel of Fortune for a week while Pat Sajak was recuperating from a vasectomy. I don't care how much a vowel costs, the shit that dude was saying to Vanna White was fucking priceless!"

There is still no confirmation as to which South Shore gang will prevail in this battle for power, nor is there any word on whether, or not, either of the three realize that Gennaro Angiulo had not actually been in control of the Boston area’s organized crime world since the late-1980s, as he was convicted of racketeering charges and had been sent to federal prison for over twenty years.

But no matter what the outcome, one thing can be sure: in the coming days, there will be blood. And those who are left standing will have to come to terms with the fact that there is no open seat for the taking. More on this developing story will be made available as it unfolds.


Baloney No. 8 said...

Those Spicy Boys love rooftops, but they can only run so far in those tight jeans...

Once I catch them, I'm going to give them a haircut they'll never forget!

Anonymous said...

Beak Wilder said...

That toilet-lurker article is madness!