Monday, September 21, 2009

Quincy man wanted for questioning in suspicious death of beloved giraffe

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Boston Police, working with the Quincy Police Department, have released a statement today indicating a strong desire to speak with a local man over his possible connection to the death of a beloved giraffe.

Tweet, a Hollywood superstar famous for being the spokesman of the Toys ‘R’ Us corporation and most recently in Boston filming the Kevin James slopfest, The Zookeeper, was found devoid of life last Friday in his enclosure at the Franklin Park Zoo. His trainers were left in a state of shock with at least one of them, Morton "The Manimal" Kurbosh, resorting to a failed suicide attempt to cope with the void left by Tweet's untimely death.

Authorities originally ruled the death "hilarious," but where then forced to perform a more serious investigation into the actor’s demise. After three botched attempts to perform an autopsy using only plastic utensils from Wendy’s and flagged Wikipedia information, the discovery of twenty pounds of single-stuff Oreo® cookies was made. Working in conjunction with the Quincy Police Department, Boston animal control officers were dispatched to the house of a Len Nicodemo.

Nicodemo is well known as being the only person in modern history to buy single-stuff brand Oreo® cookies, even though double-stuff brand Oreo® cookies are readily available at all locations. Nicodermo, a 32-year-old pizza-kicker from Wollaston, was last in the news after dropping over $5,000 worth of Stella Artois bottles in the parking lot of Wollaston Wine & Liquor and blaming it on Michael Jackson, who unbeknownst to Nicodemo, had died a week earlier. Silent Mike K., a Charlestown street-tough who was at the scene during the epic bottle gaff, claimed that Nicodermo "definitely dropped those bottles when some hot chick walked by.”

When asked how hot the chick was, Mike K. simply refused to comment any further.

Nicodemo, nervously explaining a bag of
Oreo® cookies to a nearby dog.

Nicodemo, currently battling an addiction to Alzheimer’s Disease, has been placed under house arrest until further notice. His communication to the outside world has been limited by a court order to Papa Gino’s pizza deliveries and the defunct 1-800-I-FEEL-OK hotline.

Brendan "Stremmy" Strem, a known friend of Tweet, and a man who claimed to have invented the phrase “exact change needed,” was with the actor during his final hours. "Tweet was miserable. He fell into a deep depression when the bad economy forced Toys ‘R’ Us to fire him. He tried out for multiple major film roles but was repeatedly turned down."

Pausing briefly to puke into a nearby trash can, Strem continued, "His last offer was for the Cormac MacCarthy story The Road. The studio ended up going with Viggo Mortenson, though. That must have taken a real bite out of Tweetz there. He fell on hard times. Couldn’t even afford the bag of OCs I kept trying to sell him. You know it’s tough times when lower yourself to a zany animal comedy starring Kevin James and Adam Sandler."

Although it was later confirmed that Mr. Strem has never had contact with Tweet and is currently engaged in a lifetime ban from the Franklin Park Zoo, his final wish for Tweet[s remains will be honored.

Tweet will be laid to rest in the vacant overgrown lot on Hancock Street to the left of the now-defunct Flagship Cinemas.

Author's Note: My hard drive crashed, and we have found ourselves unable to deliver the newsworthy happenings of Quincy in the respectable fashion that we have become known for. Until further notice, The Quincy Scallion recommends you receive all news updates from the Quincy Animal Shelter newsletter. In the immortal words of Boston's 8th highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst, "Good day to you!"


sweden said...

Sorry for the bad news..let me know if there is somewhere to send a donation. I'd like to help. I was wondering what happened to you guys, thought maybe you were on vacation. Hope you get this-post an address and I bet money will come in..

Stephanie said...

just wanted to remind everyone to get that midget slob out of office go vote today in the quincy primaries.

death to swimming fountains and mayoral office upgrades!

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to VOTE! Otherwise you may end up devoid of life!