Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Ink Spot gets alcohol license approved

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Ink Spot, a major player in the city of Quincy’s cutthroat world of stationary suppliers, had its alcohol license fully approved by a unanimous vote last night.

The Council of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms & Wing Dings, which needs a majority vote to approve any city business’ right to serve alcohol, tobacco, firearms or chicken "wing ding" dinners, voted in favor of the Ink Spot’s proposal to serve highly intoxicating drinks to the public.

This was the first attempt by the Ink Spot to obtain such a license and was met by intense celebrations at the Wollaston-based warehouse headquarters, which included launching empty beer bottles at the passing MBTA Red Line trains, as well as burning 25-foot-tall effigies of sports legend Bo Jackson.

Head CEO Peter “Paper” Kutz was so pleased with the board’s decision, he responded by executing an impressive reenactment of the "van surf" scene from the popular Teen Wolf movie. Unfortunately, he was instantly injured and diagnosed as "paralyzed for life" while performing his third backflip when the driverless van crashed into the nearby St. Ann’s Catholic School.

Not all were pleased with the city's decision, though. Rival companies Kopy Kop and Turner McWeirdo's House of Pencils & Shit® had both previously applied for the same license, but were promptly denied. This has led some to accuse the Ink Spot’s upper management of illegal campaign donations and gift-giving to members of the Council. An accusation the Ink Spot firmly denies.

A satisfied Ink Spot customer, inspecting his new business card.

Competition between the three businesses has risen over time to a level which was recently described by an industry insider as “absolute madness.” With each coming year, the companies’ Machiavellian tactics and risky, untested strategies bring them all closer to outright war. In 2007 alone, there were thirty thousand business complaints filed in City Hall, by and against each of the businesses. Lesser supply chains that attempted to dabble in the realm of paper were quickly snuffed out by “The Big Three,” using miles of legal red tape, vicious libel attacks in the local news, and at least one confirmed case of a crucifixion.


Anonymous said...

Brunk, You, Write, Good!

Baloney No. 8 said...

Oh Anonymous! You're up to your old grammatical tricks again, aren't you?

Due to the ever-increasing insane level of ignorance of the reading public, I think I will retire from the position of 'rage against grammatical insolence'.

With the Great One Killer on the loose, I need to focus mostly all of my attention on the rooftops. And then of course the remainder of focus will be on the advice column.

Speaking of the advice column, a new one will be posted soon! I've gotten some interesting debacles posed to me by several Quincy residents. How I love them so.

Stay tuned, Scallies!

From the rooftops,
No. 8