Friday, September 4, 2009

Chinatown's Crown Royal Bakery to offer $10 round trip bus from Wollaston to South Quincy

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Crown Royal Bakery, a neighborhood favorite offering everything from coffee and breakfast to birthday cakes and squid lo mein, has announced plans to offer the people of Quincy a low cost round trip bus ride from Wollaston to South Quincy.

The Crown Royal's Chinatown location has run the Fung Wah Bus from Boston to New York City for a number of years now, and its expansion to the heavily commuted "Wolly – South Quincy" route was inevitable. With plans to run buses from the Crown Royal Bakery on Brook Street in Wollaston starting at 6:15AM, every fifteen minutes until 11:15PM, starting this Saturday, the newly named "Fung Yah Dood" will carry passengers to and fro with the brutal luxury and swift speed that only a color-blind bus driver with limited knowledge of Massachusetts state driving laws can deliver.

"This is unbelievable!" gasped Charles DuMar, a Newport Ave. resident currently facing charges of igniting half of California in flames in an attempt to impress a Labrador retriever. "I hate having to take a complicated series of walks, cab rides, and trains to get to South Quincy. I have to go down there for work every other Saturday, so this will make things so much easier. And it’s only $10! That’s unbeatable! I fucking love the Chinese."

Charles DuMar and his Labrador at Redwood Creek, just before setting a fiery blaze.

Harry Fong, a local jacket salesman who rocketed to fame in the mid-nineties by using his disgusting mouth-breathing techniques to provide the Grammy-nominated sound effects to the movie Twister, was equally impressed.

"This is great news. A wise philosopher once said that 'time is money up in this world,' and I could not agree more. I do not like to waste time, nor do I like to waste money. I often travel down to South Quincy for its assortment of fine dining and cheap fabrics. You wouldn't believe how much time and money I have wasted in the last twenty years going on these trips. I would be away from my wife for days on end. I once spent over $9,000 on a single cab ride. Well, in truth, there was no ATM machines working and we had to drive around for a while. Also, I dropped like $8,900 in cash down a sewer, and I spent at least $80 on scratch tickets, but you get the picture."

The Fung Yah Dood is also teaming up with Wendy’s to offer a mid-trip rest stop and meal. The bus will take a ten minute break at the Southern Artery location to let passengers stretch their legs and grab a quite bite to eat. Those who fail to get back on board in due time will be left to fend for themselves.

While the service is being received with overwhelmingly positive reviews, there are those who feel that there is more than meets the eye to the bus ride. Carlos DeJacquel, a shifty-eyed son-of-a-bitch who runs the Peter Pan Travel agency in North Quincy was shocked about the news.

"This is illegal. There are no two ways about it. The lowest you could possibly charge for this trip is $15 round trip. They are obviously not paying the $5 inter-borough tax to cross over into South Quincy. Where's the mayor’s office on this one? That’s politicians for you. Run an illegal bus all over the city, skirt past taxes, have drivers that don’t speak or read English flying through stop signs, endangering the lives of passengers and all those on the road, and what happens? You get front-page advertisements praising your company."

Carlos DeJacquel at age nine, staring into the camera with his shifty eyes.

DeJacquel, stopping briefly to relieve himself against the side of a Toyota Corolla, went on to ask, "And what do I get? A six-year jail sentence. All I did was sell a few measly pounds of heroin in a school zone. Those kids didn’t even know what it was, for Heaven's sake. I swear, there is just no justice in this town."

No comments: