Friday, September 4, 2009

John Stamos sighting at Hough's Neck beach causes citywide craze, inadvertantly stabilizes current economic crisis

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A John Stamos sighting off the coast of Hough's Neck has the city on red alert this afternoon as residents of the area are left to wonder what's next.

The media icon was spotted this morning approximately sixty feet from shore on Perry Beach by a resident of the small peninsula community as he breezed by in a kayak with what appeared to be a six-pack of Miller Lite.

"I caught something out of the corner of my eye, and there he was," explained John Galluzzo, who recalled coming face-to-face with the living legend. "I was taking a thirty-minute walk down Rock Island Road, just minding my business. I had no idea that an absolute American hero was so close to me. He was cutting through the water like the dorsal fin of a massive great white shark. He paddled with such grace, such perfection. He was like a machine. At first, I didn't think he noticed me, but then I remembered that John Stamos has amazing peripheral vision. I watched as he passed me, and then immediately went to the Hofbrau and bought everybody there three rounds of drinks."

Having had three rounds of drinks purchased for them, the patrons at the Hofbrau then found themselves with more money in their pockets than they had expected.

Patty Campbell, a freelance photographer from Adams Shore, used this extra money to purchase a motel room for the night, which ended up becoming one of the better parties of the summer.

Patty Campbell, bouncing around like a rabid AIDS victim at the Presidents' City Inn

"All these people started coming in and buying rooms," explained Ron Ketchup, the daytime manager of the less-than-wholesome establishment. "Everybody started buying chips and sodas, and some of them even tipped me for ice. It was great. I went right to Wal-Mart and bought an 80GB iPod Nano. I've wanted one of those things for so long. Next, I'm buying a computer. Those things are insane."

With the sudden rise in department store sales, many retail employees found themselves overwhelmed by the large, demanding crowds, resulting in many of them going out for a few cold beers, as well. As residents piled into bars, the buzz of Stamos' presence lingered, causing many people to hear downright lies about the television actor's reason for being here.

"I was told he was filming a movie about William Rosenberg, the founder of Dunkin' Donuts," said Chip Williams, a maintenance man at Ocean State Job Lot, who, after receiving word of Stamos' visit, spent the entire afternoon drinking at the Chantey. "I've been drinking Miller Lites all day long, it's great. That's what people are saying he was drinking. Who could blame him? Miller Lite makes an excellent product. It's a fine pilsner beer. I was so excited, I gave my bartender a twenty dollar tip."

Having been bombarded by excessive tips, Chantey owner John Turner called his financial advisor and invested over three thousand dollars in Ford Motor Company, just before market close.

"I had so much money on me," he recalled. "I couldn't even imagine ever spending that much. I just figured it would be best to invest it in an American car company. Ford makes a pretty decent product. It's not the best, but it's decent. Either way, there was so much money flying around in all the excitement today that over half of my friends have paid their mortgages off. It all happened so quick. We got word that Stamos was in the area, and then, before I knew it, this recession was over, and John Stamos was still fucking gorgeous. Everybody wins today, except the homeless, of course."

No matter what bar people went to throughout the day, lines stretched out the door and down the street. As far as the eye could see, Quincy residents tried to keep their cool, all of them secretly craving the delicious taste of premium draft beer. Many area natives took to drinking nips while waiting, some of them even passing out old before ever even reaching the bar.

John Stamos, making sure an intoxicated party animal makes it to bed for the night.

Theories as to why the beloved actor was in town for the day include a possible party at Labrecque Field, the Friday lunch special at the Boars Nest, and a secret meeting with mayor candidate Tom Turkolio.

"I couldn't believe he was in Quincy," said Matty Southside, the self-proclaimed "Donnie Wahlberg of South Quincy," last in the news yesterday after his wife gave birth to his new baby son and heir to the Bradford Park throne, Jonathan David Southside. "My wife and I went out and bought a flat screen to watch the news coverage of it, but there wasn't any. It's no problem, though. We needed a new TV anyway, and the guy I bought it from went out and bought a shitload of house supplies with the commission he made. Then, the lady he bought the house supplies off ended up tossing me and my wife a few bucks. As it turns out, she was friends with my wife back in the day, and had owed her a hundred bucks. What goes around, comes around, I guess. It's a wacky chain reaction, and it's all because of that hilarious dude. I fucking love John Stamos. Uncle Jesse gave up his entire youth to help his brother-in-law and nieces. If that's not dedication, I don't know what is. And the fact that I'm talking about his character on Full House like he was a real person just proves how good Stamos is. He's always so convincing, no matter what the role. Best actor in the world, hands fucking down."

But not all fared well in the ensuing chaos, as Rhonda Whittaker, a hideous, crack-addicted menace from Germantown, was found dead in a dumpster behind the DB Mart on Sea Street.

Whittaker's body was identified by a very specific tattoo on the "tramp stamp" area of her back, as all of her teeth had been removed. As with other murders in recent past, a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup was found in the general vicinity of the body, leading authorities to think about possibly taking a more proactive stance on catching this malicious killer who has evaded police for months.

Rhonda Whittaker, either just before, or just after, blowing a dude. Either way...ugh!!!

There is no word yet on what John Stamos' purpose was in Quincy, nor has there been any word on how long he will be staying. Authorities have urged all citizens to appreciate what little time they had with him, and to remain calm during his stay.

All residents who encounter John Stamos over the weekend have been asked to please call Joe Schlopp of City Hall at 617-376-1990, as Mr. Schlopp reportedly has a "bone to pick with Stamos over ending Full House with that stupid double-episode about Michelle getting amnesia."

"I hated Michelle," Schlopp said. "She was better than DJ, but Stephanie was the best. Jodie Sweetin had to be one of the funniest little girls around back then. What happened to her anyway? I heard she got fake breasts and it all just went downhill from there. Oh well. You win some, you lose some. And when John Stamos is a guest of your city for the weekend, you win. And that's good enough for me."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That crack head is HOTT!!!